Education or free time for the young: IELTS Task 2 essay #10, band 5.5
A student’s answer to this repeated IELTS question, shared without their name and marked by Axiom on the four criteria. Select a highlighted passage to see how it could be revised, and why.
222 words. Marked by Axiom on 2 May 2025. Estimated by AI. It isn’t an official IELTS score.
Task 2222 words
Too much emphasis is given for education for the young More government money should be spent on free time activities of young people.
Nowadays, most of the focus is presented to education for the youngesters, Additionaly, the majority of governmentʼs money should be spent on leisure activities of young individuals, and i completely agree with this statement As investing in leisure time activities can encourage enthusiasm and positive impact young peopleʼs performence in work or education.
Because some of the significant reasons. One of them is that is mentioned above. As an individual, i have my own perspective. If the authorities pay for education, the pupils and students are try to study hard for belief of the authorities. For example, there is a variation type of households, some of them poor or wealthy, government pay for especially poor families children. Because they couldnʼt cover or pay for their courses and educations. Therefore, i believe authorities ought to help with money to families whose are poor.
Coherence & cohesion
RevisedOn the one hand, the government should provide funding for education.
The revision provides a more clear and concise statement.
Teenegers enthusiasm and performence to education also work could be improve and develop.
Coherence & cohesion
RevisedOn the other hand, if the authorities spend their budget on education for teenagers, this could improve their enthusiasm and performance.
The revision provides a more coherent and logical statement.
Coherence & cohesion
RevisedIn conclusion, if the authorities continue to invest more in education, it could significantly improve the future careers of young people, as they work or study for their self-improvement.
The revised sentence is more coherent and the idea is expressed more clearly.
Select a highlighted passage to see its suggested revision.
What Axiom wrote for each criterion: why the answer earned its band, and what to work on next.
Coherence & cohesion
Band 5.0/ 9
The essay is logically organized and the progression of ideas is clear. However, there are some issues with the use of cohesive devices and the overall cohesion of the essay. The essay follows a logical structure, but the use of cohesive devices is sometimes inaccurate or missing, making the connection between ideas less smooth. Additionally, the conclusion could be more effective in summarizing the main points and reinforcing the author's stance.
Suggestions
- Use a variety of cohesive devices to ensure smooth transition between ideas.
- Make sure to link all the ideas in a paragraph to the main point of the paragraph.
Sentence revisions 3
RevisedOn the one hand, the government should provide funding for education.
The revision provides a more clear and concise statement.
RevisedOn the other hand, if the authorities spend their budget on education for teenagers, this could improve their enthusiasm and performance.
The revision provides a more coherent and logical statement.
RevisedIn conclusion, if the authorities continue to invest more in education, it could significantly improve the future careers of young people, as they work or study for their self-improvement.
The revised sentence is more coherent and the idea is expressed more clearly.
Grammar & accuracy
Band 5.0/ 9
The essay uses a mix of simple and complex sentence forms, and there are some errors in grammar and punctuation. However, these errors do not generally impede communication. The essay uses a variety of sentence structures, which adds some variety and interest to the writing. However, there are several grammatical errors that can hinder the reader's understanding and disrupt the flow of the essay. Punctuation is also often misused, further affecting the clarity and accuracy of the writing. Proofreading is recommended to correct these errors and improve the overall quality of the writing.
Sentence revisions 3
RevisedNowadays, a significant amount of focus is directed towards education for the youth, and I completely agree with this statement.
The revision corrects the misuse of 'presented to' and 'of'.
RevisedOn the one hand, the government should cover the costs of education.
The revision corrects the incomplete sentence and the incorrect use of 'be cover for'.
RevisedOn the other hand, authorities should allocate funds for the education of young people as they typically spend their budget on teenagers' courses.
The revision corrects the awkward and unclear phrasing of the original sentence.
Lexical resource
Band 6.0/ 9
The essay uses a sufficient range of vocabulary and there is evidence of some less common and idiomatic language. However, there are some inaccuracies in word choice and collocation. The essay demonstrates a good command of a range of vocabulary related to the topic, with some less common and idiomatic language. However, there are a few instances of awkward or incorrect word choices that could be revised for clarity and accuracy. Additionally, the use of synonyms could be increased to avoid repetition and enhance the lexical resource.
Sentence revisions 3
RevisedNowadays, a significant amount of focus is directed towards education for the youth, and I firmly agree that the majority of government funding should be allocated to the leisure activities of young individuals.
The revision provides a more accurate and natural collocation of words.
RevisedOn the one hand, the government should fund education.
The revision provides a more accurate and natural collocation of words.
RevisedOn the other hand, if the authorities invest in the education of young people, it could yield positive results.
The revision provides a more accurate and natural collocation of words.
Task response
Band 6.0/ 9
The essay addresses the task and presents a clear position throughout the response. However, the argument could be more fully developed and supported with specific examples. The essay addresses the topic by discussing the importance of investing in the leisure activities of young individuals and the potential positive impact on their performance in work or education. The writer presents a clear stance and provides some supporting arguments. However, the essay could be further developed with more specific examples and a deeper analysis of the potential benefits and drawbacks of such an approach. The conclusion is somewhat repetitive and could be more concise and impactful.
Suggestions
- Include more specific examples to support your arguments.
- Provide a deeper analysis of the potential benefits and drawbacks of the proposed approach.
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