Education or free time for the young: IELTS Task 2 essay #5, band 7.0

Education has always been a top priority for nearly everybody and hence governments usually allocate a great amount of funds to higher educations like colleges and universities. It is claimed that more should be given to improve pastime facilities. I completely agree with this notion because leisure time activities like sports or other outdoor hobbies give people the opportunity to not only have some fun but also to maintain and increase their physical strengths and energy levels.

1. Grammar & accuracy

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   RevisedEducation has always been a top priority for nearly everyone, and as a result, governments usually allocate a significant amount of funds to higher education, such as colleges and universities.

   The revised sentence corrects the grammatical error and is more natural and formal in tone.

Being a student is an inevitable stage of humans since to continue their lives better and gain employment young people need to study at universities and colleges, gaining necessary knowledge and skills. The majority of people need financial assistance at this point because higher education requires more amount money to pay, so governments help capable and skillful students in need to pursue their majors by paying their tuition fees. This does not only help the students to get qualifications but it also helps the society and the country itself since people need more educated people to maintain financial status and reputation of the country. For instance, developed countries like the USA or Germany have invested a colossal amount of money in education system and, in turn, they have gotten many people with decent literacy levels and, in addition, it helped them to promote their universities without too much advertisement.

1. Coherence & cohesion

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   RevisedStudying at universities and colleges is an inevitable stage for young people who need to gain the necessary knowledge and skills to succeed in life and in the workforce.

   The revised sentence is more concise and the ideas are connected more effectively.

2. Grammar & accuracy

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   RevisedThis not only helps students obtain qualifications, but also benefits society and the country as a whole, as a more educated population is needed to maintain the financial status and reputation of the country.

   The revised sentence corrects the grammatical error and is more natural and formal in tone.

Nevertheless, governments should consider improving social lives of people as well. Allocating more money on free time activities for youth is the best way, as they need more time to unwind and rest. Outdoor activities like walking or playing some sports can help young people spend their time meaningfully. People should not only think about studying or making money because the body also needs some treat and rest; excessive amount of work can lead to burnout consequently making people mentally tired. Governments should encourage people to take a break from their studies and workplaces by investing more money in the advertisement of outdoor sports like tennis, football or other amenities to help people stay physically active. For example, as a teacher, I need some days off to recover from long hours of work to maintain my energy and excellence in my workplace, and I need closer sports zones or gyms to both have fun and become physically stronger.

1. Coherence & cohesion

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   RevisedNevertheless, it is important for governments to consider improving the social lives of people as well.

   The revised sentence provides a clearer transition to the following idea.

2. Grammar & accuracy

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   RevisedEngaging in outdoor activities such as walking or playing sports can help young people spend their time in a meaningful way.

   The revised sentence corrects the grammatical error and is more natural and formal in tone.

3. Lexical resource

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   RevisedGovernments should encourage people to prioritize their well-being by investing in the promotion of outdoor sports and recreational facilities, such as tennis courts, football fields, and gyms, thus helping people stay physically active.

   The revised sentence provides a more clear and concise expression of the idea.

4. Lexical resource

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   RevisedFor example, as a teacher, I require time off to recuperate from my long work hours to maintain my energy and effectiveness, and I would benefit from having closer access to sports facilities or gyms to stay physically active.

   The revised sentence uses more formal and precise language.

In conclusion, people in higher ranks in most countries mainly think about the betterment of people’s education and the country’s reputation, that is why they spend a lot of money on education of young individuals. However, people need to stop their works and studies to keep the balance between work or study and life; hence, governments should start to focus on improving pastime facilities for people.

1. Coherence & cohesion

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   RevisedIn conclusion, while people in higher ranks in most countries prioritize education and the country’s reputation, it is also crucial to consider the well-being of the entire population.

   The revised sentence provides a more concise and clear summary of the main points discussed in the essay.