Declining animals and plants: IELTS Task 2 essay #23, band 6.5
A student’s answer to this repeated IELTS question, shared without their name and marked by Axiom on the four criteria. Select a highlighted passage to see how it could be revised, and why.
314 words. Marked by Axiom on 17 March 2025. Estimated by AI. It isn’t an official IELTS score.
Task 2314 words
In many countries, the number of animals and plants is declining. Why do you think this is happening? How can this issue be solved?
Nowadays, in many countries there's a reduction of animals and plants species. I believe that to prevent this, there have to laws minimizing human influence on the environment
Lexical resource
RevisedI am of the opinion that the root cause is overall climate change.
The term 'climate change' is typically used in the singular form to refer to the overall phenomenon, rather than individual changes.
These elements play a major role in extinctions of many species and have effects on various components of the environment. However, according to recent researches, the concentration of these elements continiue to grow, threatening to biodiversity
Coherence & cohesion
RevisedThe decline of biodiversity can be significantly attributed to mankind's contributions to climate change.
The revised sentence provides a more direct and clear connection between the cause (mankind's contributions to climate change) and the effect (biodiversity decline).
Grammar & accuracy
RevisedMostly, the machines and factories that contribute to technological development are not eco-friendly; on the contrary, they emit tremendous amounts of CO2 or methane.
The revised sentence corrects the awkward construction and the misuse of 'by which'.
Lexical resource
RevisedThese chemicals not only pollute the reservoirs that are essential for survival, but also contribute to global warming through reactions with other atmospheric elements.
The revised sentence corrects the typo ('warminig' to 'warming') and provides a more clear and concise explanation of the relationship between emissions, pollution, and global warming.
These laws can cover many fields such as car industry or manufactoring, imposing different restrictions with aim to decrease the amount of emissions. This idea has proven its effectiveness in many countries such as Japan or Singapore where were observed the lowest level of concentation of CO2 on the air after introducing laws about protection of environment
Coherence & cohesion
RevisedThe most effective solution could be the introduction of a set of rules to control emissions.
The revised sentence provides a more concise and direct statement of the proposed solution, improving the overall cohesion of the essay.
Grammar & accuracy
RevisedCompared to the past, the overall emissions have increased tremendously, indicating that previous regulations are no longer sufficiently effective and reforms are needed to ensure ecological safety.
The revised sentence corrects the comparison structure and provides a more clear and concise statement of the need for reform.
In conclusion, the major reason for decline of the number of animals and plants is the humanity, which's vehicles and construction release tremendous amounts of emissions that spoil the water and causes a global warming. By setting new rules that guarantee environmental protection, this trend can be stopped
Select a highlighted passage to see its suggested revision.
What Axiom wrote for each criterion: why the answer earned its band, and what to work on next.
Coherence & cohesion
Band 6.0/ 9
The essay is logically organized and the progression of ideas is clear. However, there are some issues with the use of cohesive devices and the overall cohesion of the essay. The essay follows a logical structure, but the use of cohesive devices is sometimes inaccurate or missing, making the connection between ideas less smooth. Additionally, the conclusion could be more effective in summarizing the main points and reiterating the proposed solutions.
Suggestions
- Use a variety of cohesive devices to ensure smooth transition between ideas.
- Make sure to link all the ideas in a paragraph coherently.
Sentence revisions 2
RevisedThe decline of biodiversity can be significantly attributed to mankind's contributions to climate change.
The revised sentence provides a more direct and clear connection between the cause (mankind's contributions to climate change) and the effect (biodiversity decline).
RevisedThe most effective solution could be the introduction of a set of rules to control emissions.
The revised sentence provides a more concise and direct statement of the proposed solution, improving the overall cohesion of the essay.
Grammar & accuracy
Band 6.0/ 9
The essay uses a mix of simple and complex sentence forms and a variety of grammatical structures. However, there are a few grammatical errors and awkward constructions that hinder overall clarity. The essay uses a variety of sentence structures effectively, with a good balance of simple and complex sentences. However, there are a few grammatical errors and awkward constructions that could be revised for clarity and accuracy.
Sentence revisions 2
RevisedMostly, the machines and factories that contribute to technological development are not eco-friendly; on the contrary, they emit tremendous amounts of CO2 or methane.
The revised sentence corrects the awkward construction and the misuse of 'by which'.
RevisedCompared to the past, the overall emissions have increased tremendously, indicating that previous regulations are no longer sufficiently effective and reforms are needed to ensure ecological safety.
The revised sentence corrects the comparison structure and provides a more clear and concise statement of the need for reform.
Lexical resource
Band 7.0/ 9
The essay demonstrates a good command of a broad lexical repertoire. However, there are a few instances of awkward or incorrect word choice. The essay demonstrates a good range of vocabulary, with appropriate use of academic language. However, there are a few instances of awkward or incorrect word choice that could be revised for clarity and precision.
Sentence revisions 2
RevisedI am of the opinion that the root cause is overall climate change.
The term 'climate change' is typically used in the singular form to refer to the overall phenomenon, rather than individual changes.
RevisedThese chemicals not only pollute the reservoirs that are essential for survival, but also contribute to global warming through reactions with other atmospheric elements.
The revised sentence corrects the typo ('warminig' to 'warming') and provides a more clear and concise explanation of the relationship between emissions, pollution, and global warming.
Task response
Band 7.0/ 9
The essay addresses the task effectively, providing a clear position throughout the response. The essay effectively addresses the prompt by discussing the reasons for the decline of animal and plant species in many countries and proposing solutions to address this issue. The essay provides a clear introduction and conclusion, and the body paragraphs are well-organized and focused on the topic. However, the essay could benefit from a more detailed exploration of the proposed solutions and their potential effectiveness.
Suggestions
- Provide more specific examples to support your arguments.
- Ensure that each paragraph focuses on a single main idea and is well-supported by relevant details.
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