Declining animals and plants: IELTS Task 2 essay #3, band 7.0
A student’s answer to this repeated IELTS question, shared without their name and marked by Axiom on the four criteria. Select a highlighted passage to see how it could be revised, and why.
252 words. Marked by Axiom on 2 August 2024. Estimated by AI. It isn’t an official IELTS score.
Task 2252 words
In many countries, the number of animals and plants is declining. Why do you think this is happening? How can this issue be solved?
Nowadays, in some nations the number of natural habitats and plants are declining. I believe that it cause as a result of habitat destruction and pollution, and there are certain ways to solve this problems.
According to recent survey on expansion of agriculture, by 1980 in Russia 60 per cent of the land is belonged to the natural habitat, but by 2010 it decreased as much as to 30 per cent. This lead to disrupting the ecosystem and reducing biodiversity.
Grammar & accuracy
RevisedThere are a number of factors that threaten animals and plants.
The correct form is 'there are a number of' and the word 'factors' is more appropriate in this context.
Lexical resource
RevisedHabitat destruction, such as deforestation, urbanization, and agricultural expansion, is a major contributor to the loss of natural habitats and the subsequent displacement or extinction of many species.
The revised sentence is more concise and uses more specific language to clearly communicate the idea.
Lexical resource
RevisedPollution, including air, water, and soil pollution from industrial and agricultural activities, can also have a detrimental impact on wildlife.
The revised sentence is more concise and uses more specific language to clearly communicate the idea.
Firstly, government should apply some laws for pollution control and switch to eco-friendly technologies. So people will be educated and more aware about importance of biodiversity and how they can contribute to conservation efforts.
Coherence & cohesion
RevisedHowever, I believe that there are several ways to tackle these issues.
The word 'several' is more appropriate in this context as it implies a variety of ways, while 'number of' is more specific.
Grammar & accuracy
RevisedBy implementing strict regulations on pollution and investing in cleaner technologies, the government can reduce carbon emissions.
The correct form is 'strict regulations' and the phrase 'the government' is more formal and precise.
Coherence & cohesion
RevisedFurthermore, the government should introduce educational programs on preserving natural habitats and make attendance mandatory for the public.
The revised sentence is more formal and precise. It also correctly uses 'the government' instead of 'government'.
In conclusion, while I recognize the causes of destruction of natural habitat, I believe that we can preserve it by a number of ways.
Select a highlighted passage to see its suggested revision.
What Axiom wrote for each criterion: why the answer earned its band, and what to work on next.
Coherence & cohesion
Band 7.0/ 9
The essay is logically organized and ideas are connected well. However, there are a few instances where the flow of ideas could be improved. The essay follows a logical structure, but transitions between paragraphs and within paragraphs could be smoother. The introduction clearly states the causes of the problem and the proposed solutions, but the connection between different ideas could be enhanced with more explicit linking phrases. The body paragraphs each discuss a single cause or solution, but the development of these ideas could be more detailed and specific. The conclusion effectively summarizes the main points but could be more comprehensive.
Suggestions
- Try to use a wider range of linking words to connect your ideas more effectively.
- Ensure that your conclusion is comprehensive and effectively summarizes the main points of your essay.
Sentence revisions 2
RevisedHowever, I believe that there are several ways to tackle these issues.
The word 'several' is more appropriate in this context as it implies a variety of ways, while 'number of' is more specific.
RevisedFurthermore, the government should introduce educational programs on preserving natural habitats and make attendance mandatory for the public.
The revised sentence is more formal and precise. It also correctly uses 'the government' instead of 'government'.
Grammar & accuracy
Band 7.0/ 9
The essay uses a mix of simple and complex sentence forms and there are only minor errors. However, there are a few instances of awkward or incorrect sentence construction. The essay demonstrates a good command of grammar and sentence structure, with only minor errors. However, there are a few instances of awkward or incorrect sentence construction that could be revised for clarity and precision. Additionally, the use of more varied sentence structures could enhance the overall quality of the essay.
Sentence revisions 2
RevisedThere are a number of factors that threaten animals and plants.
The correct form is 'there are a number of' and the word 'factors' is more appropriate in this context.
RevisedBy implementing strict regulations on pollution and investing in cleaner technologies, the government can reduce carbon emissions.
The correct form is 'strict regulations' and the phrase 'the government' is more formal and precise.
Lexical resource
Band 7.0/ 9
The essay uses a good range of vocabulary and there is evidence of some less common and idiomatic language. However, there are a few instances of awkward or incorrect word choice. The essay demonstrates a good command of a range of vocabulary, especially terms related to the environment and government policies. However, there are a few instances of awkward or incorrect word choice that could be revised for clarity and precision. Additionally, the use of more varied and sophisticated language could enhance the overall quality of the essay.
Sentence revisions 3
RevisedThis is caused by habitat destruction and pollution, and there are specific ways to solve these problems.
The correct form is 'it is caused by' and the plural form 'these problems' is more appropriate in this context.
RevisedHabitat destruction, such as deforestation, urbanization, and agricultural expansion, is a major contributor to the loss of natural habitats and the subsequent displacement or extinction of many species.
The revised sentence is more concise and uses more specific language to clearly communicate the idea.
RevisedPollution, including air, water, and soil pollution from industrial and agricultural activities, can also have a detrimental impact on wildlife.
The revised sentence is more concise and uses more specific language to clearly communicate the idea.
Task response
Band 7.0/ 9
The essay addresses the task effectively, providing a clear position throughout the response. The essay effectively addresses the prompt by discussing the reasons for the decline in natural habitats and plants in some countries and suggesting ways to solve this problem. The writer presents a clear explanation of the causes, including habitat destruction and pollution, and proposes practical solutions, such as implementing laws for pollution control and creating educational programs. The ideas are relevant and well-developed, but the essay could benefit from more specific examples to support the arguments.
Suggestions
- Ensure that you provide specific examples to support your arguments.
- Consider addressing potential counterarguments to make your position more persuasive.
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