Declining animals and plants: IELTS Task 2 essay #47, band 7.0

A decline in the number of both animals and plants is being concerning problem these days. While the problem is mainly caused by mass deforestation and illegal trade, there are several effective solutions we can take.

1. Grammar & accuracy

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   RevisedWhile this problem is primarily caused by mass deforestation and illegal trade, there are several effective solutions we can implement.

   The revised sentence corrects the use of the singular article 'a' before 'solutions' and provides a more accurate verb choice.

One main factor for the problem is that people heavily rely on wood- production for housing, resulting many trees to be cut down. Also, cities around the world are experiencing an increase in their sizes, so people cut trees to create enough space to accommodate those cities. These deforestation leads not only to the loss of some plants, but also animals too, which may face extinction after losing their habitats during deforestation. One of the best solution is that people should focus on enlarging cities inside, by building multi-story buildings, which may help to reduce the demand for wood-productions. In addition, we should more green spaces for the animals those are at the risk of extinction.

1. Coherence & cohesion

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   RevisedA significant factor contributing to this problem is the reliance on wood production for housing, which has led to the cutting down of many trees.

   The revised sentence provides a clearer connection between the cause and effect.

2. Grammar & accuracy

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   RevisedAdditionally, as cities around the world continue to expand, this often leads to an increased need for space, resulting in further tree cutting.

   The revised sentence provides a more accurate and clear description of the relationship between city expansion and tree cutting.

3. Lexical resource

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   RevisedThis deforestation leads to the loss of both plants and animals, which may face extinction due to habitat loss.

   The revised sentence provides a more clear and concise description of the impact of deforestation.

4. Coherence & cohesion

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   RevisedA potential solution is to focus on urban expansion through the construction of multi-story buildings, which can help reduce the demand for wood products.

   The revised sentence provides a clearer connection between the solution and the intended outcome.

Another reason for the problem is illegal trade of things from animals. For example, there is the illegal trade of horns of rhinos and tusks of elephants. This means, they are killed by poachers for that reason and their number decreases rapidly. To address this problem effectively, there should be strong legal consequences. If poachers know the mortality of the punishment they get, they do not kill such kind of animals, helping them to live freely.

1. Lexical resource

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   RevisedIf poachers are aware of the severe consequences they will face if caught, they are less likely to kill endangered animals, allowing them to live freely.

   The revised sentence provides a more accurate and clear description of the deterrent effect of the punishment on poachers.

In conclusion, the number of animals and plants are decreasing in many countries and this is mainly caused by poaching and human activities such as deforestation. However, by taking important steps, including implementing strict rules against poaching, introducing more green spaces, and enlarging cities inside, we can tackle the problem.

1. Coherence & cohesion

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   RevisedHowever, by taking important steps such as implementing strict rules against poaching, introducing more green spaces, and expanding urban areas, we can effectively address the problem.

   The revised sentence provides a clearer connection between the actions taken and the intended outcome.