Declining animals and plants: IELTS Task 2 essay #2, band 8.0
A student’s answer to this repeated IELTS question, shared without their name and marked by Axiom on the four criteria. Select a highlighted passage to see how it could be revised, and why.
288 words. Marked by Axiom on 19 July 2024. Estimated by AI. It isn’t an official IELTS score.
Task 2288 words
In many countries, the number of animals and plants is declining. Why do you think this is happening? How can this issue be solved?
The decline in the number of animal and plant species is a pressing issue facing many countries worldwide. In my opinion, this is a result of human activity and can be countered by adopting sustainable policy initiatives.
Firstly, there is now rampant deforestation for agricultural expansion, logging, and infrastructure development. In the Amazon rainforest, pristine habitats are being cleared for cattle ranching, depriving countless species of their natural homes. Relatedly, pollution, including industrial discharge and agricultural runoff, poses a significant threat. The global release of toxic chemicals into rivers and oceans leads to the death of marine life and disrupts delicate aquatic ecosystems. This practice is driven by high demand for exotic pets, traditional medicine, and animal parts, pushing many species towards endangerment and potential extinction.
Coherence & cohesion
RevisedThe decline in animal and plant species is primarily attributed to human activities.
The revised sentence is more formal and precise.
Coherence & cohesion
RevisedAnother critical factor is the illegal wildlife trade, which decimates many species populations.
The revision provides a more detailed explanation, which is preferable in academic writing.
For instance, reforestation initiatives can aim to replant native tree species in deforested areas, providing crucial habitats for various wildlife species. Marine protected areas can be established to safeguard vulnerable marine ecosystems and promote sustainable fishing practices. Captive breeding and reintroduction programs can help revive endangered species. Evidence for this approach comes from initiatives to breed and release critically endangered species like the black rhinoceros. Complementary sustainable practices in agriculture, forestry, and fishing can also be promoted to minimize human impact on ecosystems.
Lexical resource
RevisedThe solutions to mitigating natural degradation lie in conservation and restoration strategies.
The revision uses more formal and academic language.
Grammar & accuracy
RevisedThe focus of biodiversity conservation programs should be the preservation and restoration of specific habitats.
The revision provides a more formal and academic sentence structure.
Decreasing population figures for animal and plant species is a critical issue that demands immediate attention and action. It is humanity's collective responsibility to protect and restore the natural world given the origin of these issues.
Select a highlighted passage to see its suggested revision.
What Axiom wrote for each criterion: why the answer earned its band, and what to work on next.
Coherence & cohesion
Band 8.0/ 9
The essay is logically organized and well-structured. The introduction and conclusion are clear and relevant. The body paragraphs each focus on a single main idea and are well linked. The essay is well-organized, with each paragraph focusing on a single main idea. Transitions between ideas are clear, contributing to good cohesion. However, there is some repetition in discussing the causes of declining biodiversity, which could be streamlined for better coherence.
Suggestions
- Try to avoid repetition of ideas to enhance coherence
Sentence revisions 2
RevisedThe decline in animal and plant species is primarily attributed to human activities.
The revised sentence is more formal and precise.
RevisedAnother critical factor is the illegal wildlife trade, which decimates many species populations.
The revision provides a more detailed explanation, which is preferable in academic writing.
Grammar & accuracy
Band 8.0/ 9
The essay is largely free of grammatical errors. Complex structures are used effectively. The essay demonstrates a good range of grammatical structures with high accuracy. However, there are a few minor errors and awkward phrasings that could be refined (e.g., "Captive breeding and reintroduction programs can help revive endangered species" could be more precise).
Sentence revisions 2
RevisedThe dwindling numbers of animal and plant species are mainly a result of human activities.
The revised sentence corrects the subject-verb agreement error.
RevisedThe focus of biodiversity conservation programs should be the preservation and restoration of specific habitats.
The revision provides a more formal and academic sentence structure.
Lexical resource
Band 8.0/ 9
The essay uses a wide range of vocabulary and there is evidence of less common and idiomatic language. The writer demonstrates a good range of vocabulary related to the environment and conservation (e.g., "reforestation," "marine protected areas," "captive breeding"). However, some terms are repeated frequently (e.g., "species"), and greater lexical variety could strengthen the argument.
Sentence revisions 2
RevisedThe dwindling numbers of flora and fauna are primarily caused by human activities.
The revision uses a wider range of vocabulary to express the same idea.
RevisedThe solutions to mitigating natural degradation lie in conservation and restoration strategies.
The revision uses more formal and academic language.
Task response
Band 8.0/ 9
The essay fully addresses the task. The writer presents a clear position throughout the response. The essay addresses the prompt by discussing the reasons behind the decline in animal and plant species and suggesting ways to combat this trend. The argument is well-developed and supported by specific examples, such as the impact of deforestation on the Amazon rainforest and the success of conservation programs. However, the essay could be more concise and direct in linking human activities to biodiversity loss.
Suggestions
- Be more direct in linking human activities to biodiversity loss. For example, instead of saying "Fewer animal and plant species is mainly a human problem," say "The decline in animal and plant species is primarily attributed to human activities." This revision is more direct and clear.
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