Declining animals and plants: IELTS Task 2 essay #1, band 7.0
A student’s answer to this repeated IELTS question, shared without their name and marked by Axiom on the four criteria. Select a highlighted passage to see how it could be revised, and why.
387 words. Marked by Axiom on 8 July 2024. Estimated by AI. It isn’t an official IELTS score.
Task 2387 words
In many countries, the number of animals and plants is declining. Why do you think this is happening? How can this issue be solved?
Why do you think this is happening? How can this issue be solved?
There is pressing issue regarding the diminishing numbers of plants and animals in many countries that may be attributed to habitat loss and pollution. In my opinion, governments should impose restrictions on energy companies and deforestation activities to deal with this issue.
One of the primary reasons for the loss of biodiversity seems to be habitat loss. When many trees are cut down, certain species that fed on themselves using those trees, might be forced to move to different locations since the likelihood of them surviving in the landscape that can no longer provide the same of living standards will be very low. Furthermore, obvious yet significant factor that contributed to the loss of biodiversity is pollution. Added to this,
Grammar & accuracy
RevisedHumans have long been using forests to trade wood and bolster their countries' economies, without taking into account the potential issues that may arise from this activity.
The original sentence is grammatically incorrect. The revision corrects these errors and is more natural and fluent.
Grammar & accuracy
RevisedThe release of carbon dioxide into the air makes it difficult for animals to breathe, just as it can hinder any human being's breathing.
The original sentence is awkward and unidiomatic. The revision provides the same information in a more natural and fluent manner.
Grammar & accuracy
RevisedWaste that is deliberately dumped at sea leads to potential soil degradation, which in turn can cause infertility and hinder plant growth.
The original sentence contains several grammatical errors and is unclear. The revision corrects these errors and is more natural and fluent.
Countries should be held accountable for this matter because they are the only ones who can impose legal restrictions on companies who practice deforestation. Setting a limit to the number of trees cut down may appear to be a great legislation. With that said, solutions for eco-friendly practices should be initiated with the governments’’ action.
Coherence & cohesion
RevisedEven though the aforementioned problems have a dire consequence on our environmental value, it can be restored if proper steps towards resolution are taken.
The use of 'even if' suggests a condition that may or may not be met, while the sentence is discussing a situation that is assumed to be met. 'Is taken' is more appropriate as it conveys the idea of necessary action more clearly.
Lexical resource
RevisedRussia, known for its vast forests, practices a form of sustainable deforestation where trees are replanted as soon as they are cut down.
The original sentence is grammatically incorrect and unclear. The revision provides the same information in a more concise and grammatically correct manner.
Coherence & cohesion
RevisedAdditionally, restrictions should be put on energy companies that dump excessive waste into the sea or release harmful pollutants into the air.
The phrase 'on top of that' is informal and may not be suitable for an academic essay. 'Additionally' is a more appropriate choice here.
In summary, while the reason for the dwindling number of animals and plants can be because of deforestation and climate change, there are possible solutions that could alleviate this problem that can be done through imposing restrictions by governments
Select a highlighted passage to see its suggested revision.
What Axiom wrote for each criterion: why the answer earned its band, and what to work on next.
Coherence & cohesion
Band 7.0/ 9
The essay is logically organized and ideas are connected well. The introduction and conclusion are clear and relevant. However, there are a few instances where the flow of ideas could be improved. The essay is well-organized, with a clear introduction, body paragraphs that each discuss a different aspect of the issue, and a conclusion that summarizes your main points. You use a range of cohesive devices effectively to guide the reader through your argument. However, the transition between the discussion of the causes of biodiversity loss and its solutions could be smoother to enhance the overall cohesion of the essay.
Suggestions
- Try to use a wider range of linking words to connect your ideas more effectively.
- Consider reordering some of your points to improve the logical flow of your argument.
Sentence revisions 2
RevisedEven though the aforementioned problems have a dire consequence on our environmental value, it can be restored if proper steps towards resolution are taken.
The use of 'even if' suggests a condition that may or may not be met, while the sentence is discussing a situation that is assumed to be met. 'Is taken' is more appropriate as it conveys the idea of necessary action more clearly.
RevisedAdditionally, restrictions should be put on energy companies that dump excessive waste into the sea or release harmful pollutants into the air.
The phrase 'on top of that' is informal and may not be suitable for an academic essay. 'Additionally' is a more appropriate choice here.
Grammar & accuracy
Band 7.0/ 9
The essay uses a variety of complex structures. There are some grammatical errors and awkward constructions, but these do not impede overall understanding. You demonstrate a good command of complex sentence structures and a variety of grammatical forms. However, there are a few minor errors and awkward phrasings that could be refined for clarity and precision.
Sentence revisions 3
RevisedHumans have long been using forests to trade wood and bolster their countries' economies, without taking into account the potential issues that may arise from this activity.
The original sentence is grammatically incorrect. The revision corrects these errors and is more natural and fluent.
RevisedThe release of carbon dioxide into the air makes it difficult for animals to breathe, just as it can hinder any human being's breathing.
The original sentence is awkward and unidiomatic. The revision provides the same information in a more natural and fluent manner.
RevisedWaste that is deliberately dumped at sea leads to potential soil degradation, which in turn can cause infertility and hinder plant growth.
The original sentence contains several grammatical errors and is unclear. The revision corrects these errors and is more natural and fluent.
Lexical resource
Band 7.0/ 9
The essay uses a wide range of vocabulary and there is evidence of less common and idiomatic language. However, there are a few instances of awkward or incorrect word choice. You demonstrate a good command of academic language, with appropriate use of terminology related to the environment and government policy. However, be cautious with word choice to ensure clarity and precision.
Sentence revisions 2
RevisedWhen many trees are cut down, species that depend on those trees may be forced to relocate.
The original sentence is awkward and unclear. The revision provides the same information in a more concise and precise manner.
RevisedRussia, known for its vast forests, practices a form of sustainable deforestation where trees are replanted as soon as they are cut down.
The original sentence is grammatically incorrect and unclear. The revision provides the same information in a more concise and grammatically correct manner.
Task response
Band 7.0/ 9
The essay addresses the task effectively, providing a clear position throughout. Both parts of the question are fully addressed with relevant, well-supported ideas. However, the essay could be improved by providing more specific examples to support the arguments. You effectively address the topic, providing a clear explanation of the factors contributing to the decline in biodiversity and offering a well-developed argument for how governments can help mitigate this issue. Your position is supported with relevant examples and explanations. However, you could further strengthen your response by discussing potential challenges or counterarguments to your proposed solutions.
Suggestions
- Consider providing more specific examples to support your arguments.
- Discuss potential challenges or counterarguments to your proposed solutions to provide a more balanced view.
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