Declining animals and plants: IELTS Task 2 essay #7, band 6.5

Nowadays, varity of countries are losing their bio-richness as some sort of plants and animals are becoming rare, and rare ones are going vanished. In most cases humankind is behind that, either it is direct impact, hunting animals, or indirect one, toxic wastes. Probably there are few solutions left for that, one of them is to stop financing poachers.

1. Coherence & cohesion

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   RevisedThere are few solutions to this problem, one of which is to stop financing poachers.

   The sentence is a bit awkward and unclear. By rephrasing it, the meaning becomes more coherent.

Despite having one of the richest biodiversity and having huge amount of fossils, Africa is still poor. People do not have jobs, as the government can not provide them that, no water to be busy with agriculture. Therefore, people from cities, villages close to savanna go hunting, as there is a demand on the market. Wealthy people offer huge amount of money for special body parts of animals such as elephant's tusks. While, poor people in Africa will kill any animal in order to earn money, they can not be bothered with biodiversity of the world when they have to nourish their children.

1. Lexical resource

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   RevisedPeople do not have jobs, as the government is unable to provide them, and there is a lack of water for agriculture.

   The original sentence is grammatically incorrect and unclear. By revising it, the meaning becomes more accurate and the language more formal.

2. Coherence & cohesion

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   RevisedWhile poor people in Africa may prioritize feeding their children over preserving biodiversity, it is important to consider the long-term effects of animal extinction.

   The original sentence is a bit confusing. By rephrasing it, the idea becomes more coherent and the connection to the main topic is clear.

Instead of paying poachers to get rare body parts, people could be purchasing those from governments, which would not be killing animals but rather getting those from already dead ones. This could lead to decline in demand for dead animals and it would become meaningless for local people to kill animals. In twentieth century it was popular to have hyppopotamus's horn, but by the end of the century the government witnessed decline in the population of these species, they collected all these animals in one place and cut down their hornes, so that no one could take it from them. As a result, none of them were harmed by the end of their lives.

1. Lexical resource

   Close revision note

   RevisedInstead of buying from poachers, people could purchase the rare body parts from the government, which would ensure that the animals are not killed for their parts.

   The original sentence is a bit confusing. By revising it, the meaning becomes more clear and the language more precise.

2. Grammar & accuracy

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   RevisedIn the twentieth century, it was popular to have a hippopotamus's horn, but by the end of the century, the government saw a decline in the population of these species and collected them in one place, cutting off their horns to protect them from poachers.

   The original sentence is grammatically incorrect and unclear. By revising it, the meaning becomes more accurate and the grammar more precise.

Overall, most of the deaths of animals are caused by the demand in special body parts of animals, because many people in Africa are jobless they do this dirty job to feed their families. One of the solutions would be stopping buying anything from poachers instead purchasing them from the local government which could minimize the cruelty of hunting.