Age and job applicants: IELTS Task 2 essay #2, band 6.5
A student’s answer to this repeated IELTS question, shared without their name and marked by Axiom on the four criteria. Select a highlighted passage to see how it could be revised, and why.
481 words. Marked by Axiom on 14 February 2025. Estimated by AI. It isn’t an official IELTS score.
Task 2481 words
In some countries, it is illegal for companies to reject job applicants for their age. Is this a positive or negative development？
There is a growing trend where rejecting a job application of one`s is considered illegal for employers in some parts of the world .While this policy can bring some benefits , particularly low rate of unemployment and economic stability , I personally view it as mostly negative , offering a noticeable decrease in the rate of literacy among the young and productivity in workplaces.
One of which is that it plays a significantly great role to eliminate the issue of joblessness in society , not least because most people in some countries are not accepted for a certain job as they cannot meet age requirements . For example , a new graduate students may not be chosen to be appointed for leadership as they are considered too young for this position despite being highly intelligent .As a result , he has no choice but to look for another job This is simply because everyone working in a partial place has to pay income tax to their country out of their salary which is a great step to make the economy stable .To be more prices ,the more workers , the better the economy is . Therefore ,it leads to believe that encouraging companies not to reject job applications owing to age – related factors by governing bodies can be positive in some cases .
Coherence & cohesion
RevisedOn the one hand, there are some advantages to not having age restrictions when it comes to job applications.
The revised sentence is more concise and clear.
Lexical resource
RevisedAdditionally, the country can benefit financially from this policy.
The revised sentence is more concise and uses a more appropriate term.
Firstly , the young will be impacted negatively . To be exact , the nation may experience a significant decline in the rate of literacy among young generation. It is mainly because if children start working at early age to make money , they may have one idea that it is possible to live well without being educated thereby being reluctant to study at school . as the elderly are more accustomed to being tired and bored , which make them prevent from completing their tasks on time at work . Consequently, the stability of workplace because of them begins getting slow . Thus ,
Coherence & cohesion
RevisedNonetheless, I believe that this trend may have more unintended consequences.
The revised sentence is more concise and uses a more appropriate term to convey the meaning.
Grammar & accuracy
RevisedFurthermore, accepting anyone, especially the elderly, regardless of their age, may lead to decreased productivity in the workplace.
The revised sentence corrects the improper use of the comma and provides a more accurate description of the potential effects of the policy.
Lexical resource
RevisedI believe the negatives outweigh the possible benefits of such a law.
The revised sentence is more natural and idiomatic.
since not only does it affect on the education system of the country but it is disadvantageous for work productivity .
Coherence & cohesion
RevisedIn conclusion, the policy that discourages employers from considering age when hiring may have more negative than positive effects, despite the controversy surrounding the issue.
The revised sentence is more concise and clear.
Select a highlighted passage to see its suggested revision.
What Axiom wrote for each criterion: why the answer earned its band, and what to work on next.
Coherence & cohesion
Band 6.0/ 9
The essay is logically organized and the progression of ideas is clear. However, there are some issues with the use of cohesive devices and the overall cohesion of the essay. The essay follows a standard structure, but transitions between paragraphs and within paragraphs could be smoother. The introduction sets up the topic well, but the connection between different points could be enhanced with more explicit linking phrases. The conclusion effectively summarizes the main points but could be more comprehensive.
Suggestions
- Use a variety of cohesive devices to ensure smooth transition between ideas.
- Ensure that each paragraph has a clear central topic and that all sentences in the paragraph relate to this topic.
Sentence revisions 3
RevisedOn the one hand, there are some advantages to not having age restrictions when it comes to job applications.
The revised sentence is more concise and clear.
RevisedNonetheless, I believe that this trend may have more unintended consequences.
The revised sentence is more concise and uses a more appropriate term to convey the meaning.
RevisedIn conclusion, the policy that discourages employers from considering age when hiring may have more negative than positive effects, despite the controversy surrounding the issue.
The revised sentence is more concise and clear.
Grammar & accuracy
Band 7.0/ 9
The essay uses a variety of complex structures. However, there are a few grammatical errors and awkward constructions. The essay contains a few grammatical errors that affect clarity and readability. For example, "the nation may experience a significant decline in the rate of literacy among young generation" should be "the nation may experience a significant decline in the literacy rate among the younger generation," and "the elderly are more accustomed to being tired and bored" should be "the elderly are more accustomed to being tired and bored." Improving grammatical accuracy, including the use of articles and prepositions, will enhance the overall quality of the essay.
Sentence revisions 3
RevisedThere is a growing trend where it is considered illegal to reject job applications based on age in some parts of the world.
The revised sentence corrects the awkward construction of the original.
RevisedWhile this policy can bring some benefits, such as a low rate of unemployment and economic stability, I personally view it as mostly negative, as it may lead to a noticeable decrease in the rate of literacy among the young and productivity in workplaces.
The revised sentence corrects the improper use of the comma and provides a more accurate description of the potential effects of the policy.
RevisedFurthermore, accepting anyone, especially the elderly, regardless of their age, may lead to decreased productivity in the workplace.
The revised sentence corrects the improper use of the comma and provides a more accurate description of the potential effects of the policy.
Lexical resource
Band 7.0/ 9
The essay demonstrates a good command of a broad lexical repertoire. However, there are a few instances of awkward or incorrect word choice. The essay demonstrates a good range of vocabulary, but there are some instances of awkward or incorrect word choice. For example, "it leads to believe" should be "this leads to the belief," and "the more prices" should be "the more prices are set." Ensuring accurate and appropriate word choice will improve the overall clarity and effectiveness of the essay.
Sentence revisions 3
RevisedOn the one hand, there are some advantages to not having age restrictions when it comes to job applications.
The revised sentence corrects the awkward phrasing of the original.
RevisedAdditionally, the country can benefit financially from this policy.
The revised sentence is more concise and uses a more appropriate term.
RevisedI believe the negatives outweigh the possible benefits of such a law.
The revised sentence is more natural and idiomatic.
Task response
Band 7.0/ 9
The essay addresses the task effectively and provides a well-developed response to the question. However, the argument could be more fully developed and supported. The essay effectively addresses the prompt by discussing the implications of a policy that prohibits employers from rejecting job applicants based on age. The writer presents a clear opinion that the policy is mostly negative, and provides well-developed arguments to support this view. However, the essay could benefit from a more detailed exploration of potential counterarguments to provide a more balanced perspective.
Suggestions
- Consider addressing potential counterarguments to provide a more balanced perspective.
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