Age and job applicants: IELTS Task 2 essay #7, band 6.0

Rejecting job applicants due to their age is banned in several countries. To begin with, there are some positive sides of banning very old or quite little individuals to accept any jobs position. Some people cite that this development is harmful, because if you have old people worked, you have to be aware of their essential needs such as their health and several diseases. Many jobs demand strong people who are able to work daily, at a certain age, for example, a position such as firefighters, policemen, doctors and others are in need of pretty healthy and resistant citizens. If surgeons were very old, they did not bear operations which are last-longing, about 4 or 8 hours. Additionally, young people have not got enough endurance like these positions, demanding a lot of energy for children growing. On the other hand, there are lots of advantages to accept young generation or older people to apply many jobs such as teachers, designers, jobs are based on advanced technology and very much experience relatively. In my opinion, young people are very genius to understand modern technology , so that government need to give chance them to work. Additionally old people own a lot of job experience to work as a teacher, lawyer. For instance, when I was young, I were taught by old chemistry teacher having a lot of knowledge. And then I was accepted to medical university. I learned his mistakes he made his whole life and then I tried to repeat them in my future. In conclusion, I hold the view that members of society who are at broad range of age to work is positive development because of increasing the number of workers. Likewise old and young individuals need to work special job which is fit them, Although several job positions is great demand of middle age people.

1. Lexical resource

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   RevisedSome people argue that this trend is harmful because it requires considering the elderly's unique needs, such as health issues.

   The revision improves the word choice and clarity of the sentence.

2. Grammar & accuracy

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   RevisedIf surgeons were very old, they may not be able to perform lengthy surgeries, which usually last between 4 to 8 hours.

   The revised sentence corrects the grammatical errors and improves the clarity of the idea.

3. Coherence & cohesion

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   RevisedOn the other hand, there are many advantages to hiring people of all age groups for various jobs, such as teachers and designers, regardless of their age. This is especially beneficial for jobs that require advanced technology and extensive experience.

   The sentence is long and confusing. Breaking it up and rephrasing the ideas can improve clarity and cohesion.

4. Lexical resource

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   RevisedIn my opinion, young people are quite astute in understanding modern technology, and thus, the government should provide them with job opportunities.

   The revised sentence uses more appropriate vocabulary and is clearer in meaning.

5. Grammar & accuracy

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   RevisedI hold the view that the inclusion of workers from a broad range of age groups is a positive development as it increases the number of available workers.

   The revised sentence corrects the grammatical errors and improves the clarity of the idea.