Australian exports to four countries: IELTS Task 1 answer #3, band 7.0
A student’s answer to this repeated IELTS question, shared without their name and marked by Axiom on the four criteria. Select a highlighted passage to see how it could be revised, and why.
152 words. Marked by Axiom on 22 August 2024. Estimated by AI. It isn’t an official IELTS score.
The line graph this answer describes
Show the data
| Japan | US | China | India | |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1990 | 26 | 11 | 2 | 1 |
| 1995 | 20 | 8 | 3 | 1 |
| 2000 | 18 | 11 | 5 | 1 |
| 2005 | 18 | 8 | 11 | 5 |
| 2010 | 17 | 5 | 25 | 7 |
| 2012 | 17 | 7 | 28 | 5 |
Academic Task 1152 words
The graph below shows that percentage of Australian export to 4 countries from 1990 to 2012
The line graph illustrates the percentage of exports from Australia to Japan, the US, China, and India between 1990 and 2012. While Japan and US purchases had experienced gradual drops.
Lexical resource
RevisedOverall, China was the only country with a rapidly increasing import rate.
The term 'rocketing' is more colloquial and less appropriate for an academic essay. 'Rapidly increasing' is a more formal and suitable alternative.
Lexical resource
RevisedIndia reached its peak in 2010, with export figures almost equalling those of the US at its lowest point.
The term 'equaling' is less appropriate in this context. 'Equalling those of the US at its lowest point' is a more precise and formal expression.
Despite the same trend,
Coherence & cohesion
RevisedExamining the trends, China's imports from Australia nearly tripled over the course of the study period.
This revision provides a more precise and academic way of introducing the data point, which enhances the coherence and professionalism of the writing.
Grammar & accuracy
RevisedChina experienced consistent economic growth until the 21st century, after which there was a dramatic rise to export figures of roughly 28% in 2012.
The revised sentence provides a more logical and accurate presentation of the data, improving the overall quality of the writing.
Grammar & accuracy
RevisedIndia underwent noticeable fluctuation in the second half of the period, ultimately stabilising at 5% in 2012.
The term 'ending with' is less appropriate in this context. 'Ultimately stabilising at' provides a more accurate and final outcome of the trend.
Unlike the previous two countries, the gap between Japanese imports and US imports remained almost the same.
Lexical resource
RevisedThere was a marked, gradual decreasing trend from 25% to 15% over 20 years, with no discernible fluctuations for the Japanese market.
The term 'marked' should be used with 'gradual' to indicate a clear or significant trend. 'No discernible fluctuations' is a more precise and formal expression.
Select a highlighted passage to see its suggested revision.
What Axiom wrote for each criterion: why the answer earned its band, and what to work on next.
Coherence & cohesion
Band 7.0/ 9
The essay is logically organized and the information is clearly and coherently presented. The introduction and overview are well-written, and the essay uses a range of cohesive devices effectively. However, there are a few places where the flow of information could be improved.
Suggestions
- Make sure that each paragraph has a clear central topic and that all the information in the paragraph is relevant to that topic.
- Use a wider range of linking words to help the reader follow your argument more easily.
- Consider using more complex sentence structures to show a higher level of English proficiency.
Sentence revisions 3
RevisedThe line graph illustrates the percentage of exports from Australia to four major trading partners - Japan, the US, China, and India - between 1990 and 2012.
This revision provides more specific information about the countries being discussed, which helps to set the context for the rest of the essay.
RevisedOverall, the data reveals that China was the only country with a consistently increasing import rate, while Japan and the US saw a gradual decline in imports from Australia. India's import rate fluctuated, reaching a peak in 2010 and then falling to a level nearly equivalent to that of the US.
This revision clarifies the contrast between China and the other countries, making the information more coherent and easy to follow.
RevisedExamining the trends, China's imports from Australia nearly tripled over the course of the study period.
This revision provides a more precise and academic way of introducing the data point, which enhances the coherence and professionalism of the writing.
Grammar & accuracy
Band 7.0/ 9
The essay uses a mix of simple and complex sentence forms and there are only minor errors. However, there is room to incorporate a wider range of grammatical structures for a higher score.
Sentence revisions 2
RevisedChina experienced consistent economic growth until the 21st century, after which there was a dramatic rise to export figures of roughly 28% in 2012.
The revised sentence provides a more logical and accurate presentation of the data, improving the overall quality of the writing.
RevisedIndia underwent noticeable fluctuation in the second half of the period, ultimately stabilising at 5% in 2012.
The term 'ending with' is less appropriate in this context. 'Ultimately stabilising at' provides a more accurate and final outcome of the trend.
Lexical resource
Band 7.0/ 9
The essay uses a good range of vocabulary and there is evidence of some less common and idiomatic language. However, there are a few instances of awkward or incorrect word choice.
Sentence revisions 3
RevisedOverall, China was the only country with a rapidly increasing import rate.
The term 'rocketing' is more colloquial and less appropriate for an academic essay. 'Rapidly increasing' is a more formal and suitable alternative.
RevisedIndia reached its peak in 2010, with export figures almost equalling those of the US at its lowest point.
The term 'equaling' is less appropriate in this context. 'Equalling those of the US at its lowest point' is a more precise and formal expression.
RevisedThere was a marked, gradual decreasing trend from 25% to 15% over 20 years, with no discernible fluctuations for the Japanese market.
The term 'marked' should be used with 'gradual' to indicate a clear or significant trend. 'No discernible fluctuations' is a more precise and formal expression.
Task achievement
Band 7.0/ 9
The essay provides a clear overview of the information presented in the graph and makes specific comparisons between the data for the different countries. The task is mostly well covered, but there are a few details that could be further developed or clarified.
Suggestions
- Make sure to fully support all points with specific data from the graph.
- Consider including more detailed analysis or commentary on the reasons for the trends or the potential impact.
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