Australian exports to four countries: IELTS Task 1 answer #2, band 6.0
A student’s answer to this repeated IELTS question, shared without their name and marked by Axiom on the four criteria. Select a highlighted passage to see how it could be revised, and why.
159 words. Marked by Axiom on 22 August 2024. Estimated by AI. It isn’t an official IELTS score.
The line graph this answer describes
Show the data
| Japan | US | China | India | |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1990 | 26 | 11 | 2 | 1 |
| 1995 | 20 | 8 | 3 | 1 |
| 2000 | 18 | 11 | 5 | 1 |
| 2005 | 18 | 8 | 11 | 5 |
| 2010 | 17 | 5 | 25 | 7 |
| 2012 | 17 | 7 | 28 | 5 |
Academic Task 1159 words
The graph below shows that percentage of Australian export to 4 countries from 1990 to 2012
The line graph illustrates import of Japan, United States, China and India from Australia in 22 years, from 1990 till 2012 year. Overall, However, export to India had marginally increased.
Lexical resource
RevisedChina's import demands grew significantly over the whole period.
The original sentence is awkward and unidiomatic. The suggested revision provides a more natural way to express the same idea.
Coherence & cohesion
RevisedAlthough the export to Japan and U.S. decreased.
Avoid using a comma after 'Although'. Also, use 'the' before export to make it more specific.
Coherence & cohesion
RevisedFocusing on the increment first at the beginning of the period, China was at the bottom, consuming Australia's products at almost 0%, but from the year 2000, the percentage rocketed up and finished at approximately 30%.
The sentence is a bit unclear. The suggested revision provides more clarity and improves the flow of information.
Lexical resource
RevisedBesides, there were no changes in India's import from Australia for 10 years, after which it began to fluctuate. So, by the end of the period, the export to this country was nearly 5%.
The sentence is a bit unclear. The suggested revision provides more clarity and improves the choice of words.
Unlike till the beginning of 21st century export to Japan steadily went down from first place (above 25%) to roughly below 20% and remained steadily till to 2012 year.
Grammar & accuracy
RevisedIn addition, the import from Australia to the U.S. fluctuated around 10%, and from its peak in the year 2000, started a downward trend to close to 5%.
The sentence is a bit unclear. The suggested revision provides more clarity and corrects the grammatical errors.
Select a highlighted passage to see its suggested revision.
What Axiom wrote for each criterion: why the answer earned its band, and what to work on next.
Coherence & cohesion
Band 6.0/ 9
The essay is logically organized and there is a clear overall progression. The use of cohesive devices is effective, and paragraphs are well-structured. However, there are a few instances where the flow of information could be improved.
Suggestions
- Make sure that each paragraph has a clear central topic.
- Consider using more varied linking words to improve the flow of information.
Sentence revisions 2
RevisedAlthough the export to Japan and U.S. decreased.
Avoid using a comma after 'Although'. Also, use 'the' before export to make it more specific.
RevisedFocusing on the increment first at the beginning of the period, China was at the bottom, consuming Australia's products at almost 0%, but from the year 2000, the percentage rocketed up and finished at approximately 30%.
The sentence is a bit unclear. The suggested revision provides more clarity and improves the flow of information.
Grammar & accuracy
Band 6.0/ 9
The essay uses a mix of simple and complex sentence forms, and the majority of sentences are error-free. However, there are a few grammatical errors that need to be addressed.
Sentence revisions 2
RevisedFrom the year 2000, the percentage rocketed up and finished at approximately 30%.
Always use 'the' before year, and make sure to include a space between '2000' and 'year'.
RevisedIn addition, the import from Australia to the U.S. fluctuated around 10%, and from its peak in the year 2000, started a downward trend to close to 5%.
The sentence is a bit unclear. The suggested revision provides more clarity and corrects the grammatical errors.
Lexical resource
Band 6.0/ 9
The range of vocabulary is wide enough to allow for some flexibility and precision, and there is evidence of less common and idiomatic usage. However, there are a few awkward phrases that could be improved.
Sentence revisions 2
RevisedChina's import demands grew significantly over the whole period.
The original sentence is awkward and unidiomatic. The suggested revision provides a more natural way to express the same idea.
RevisedBesides, there were no changes in India's import from Australia for 10 years, after which it began to fluctuate. So, by the end of the period, the export to this country was nearly 5%.
The sentence is a bit unclear. The suggested revision provides more clarity and improves the choice of words.
Task achievement
Band 7.0/ 9
The essay addresses all parts of the task and presents a clear overview of the data. The essay also makes appropriate comparisons where relevant. However, the essay could be improved by providing more specific data and by avoiding some of the more general statements.
Suggestions
- Provide more specific data to support your points.
- Avoid making general statements that are not supported by the data.
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