Employment in five types of work: IELTS Task 1 answer #24, band 6.0
A student’s answer to this repeated IELTS question, shared without their name and marked by Axiom on the four criteria. Select a highlighted passage to see how it could be revised, and why.
173 words. Marked by Axiom on 30 November 2024. Estimated by AI. It isn’t an official IELTS score.
The bar chart this answer describes
Show the data
| 2001 | 2008 | |
|---|---|---|
| Sales | 155,000 | 165,000 |
| Accounting | 66,000 | 58,000 |
| Computing | 59,000 | 79,000 |
| Nursing | 56,000 | 60,000 |
| Farming | 29,000 | 19,000 |
Academic Task 1173 words
The chart below shows the number of people employed in five types of work in one region of Australia in 2001 and 2008.
The bar graph provides information about how many people were employed in five types of work-sales, accounting, computing, nursing, farming- between 2001 and 2008 in Australia.
Coherence & cohesion
RevisedOverall, while the figures for sales, computing, and nursing increased slightly, accounting and farming decreased significantly from 2001 to 2008.
Avoid starting sentences with 'But'; use a comma to connect ideas.
Coherence & cohesion
RevisedNoteworthy is the fact that sales consistently showed the highest figures each year, while farming had the lowest.
Ensure clarity and fluidity in comparative statements.
Focusing on decreases first, accounting showed slight decrease of about 60 thousand and reached just under 60 thousand in between 2001 and 2008. Farming stood at about 40 thousand and decreased to about 20 thousand from 2001 to 2008.
Coherence & cohesion
RevisedHowever, sales, computing, and nursing bucked the trend, showing slight increases. For instance, sales figures rose from about 160 thousand in 2001 to about 170 thousand in 2008.
Split complex sentences for clarity and use consistent verb forms.
Grammar & accuracy
RevisedThe number of employees in computing increased from about 60 thousand to about 80 thousand from 2001 to 2008.
Use 'in' instead of 'of' for correct preposition usage.
Lexical resource
RevisedThe number of people working in nursing increased from about 58 thousand to about 60 thousand between 2001 and 2008 in Australia.
Correct the phrase 'worked as nursing' to 'working in nursing.'
Select a highlighted passage to see its suggested revision.
What Axiom wrote for each criterion: why the answer earned its band, and what to work on next.
Coherence & cohesion
Band 6.0/ 9
The essay is logically organized with an introduction, overview, and detailed paragraphs. However, there are some issues with sentence structure and transitions that affect the flow.
Suggestions
- Use more varied linking words.
- Avoid starting a sentence with 'But'.
- Ensure each paragraph has a clear main idea.
Sentence revisions 3
RevisedOverall, while the figures for sales, computing, and nursing increased slightly, accounting and farming decreased significantly from 2001 to 2008.
Avoid starting sentences with 'But'; use a comma to connect ideas.
RevisedNoteworthy is the fact that sales consistently showed the highest figures each year, while farming had the lowest.
Ensure clarity and fluidity in comparative statements.
RevisedHowever, sales, computing, and nursing bucked the trend, showing slight increases. For instance, sales figures rose from about 160 thousand in 2001 to about 170 thousand in 2008.
Split complex sentences for clarity and use consistent verb forms.
Grammar & accuracy
Band 5.0/ 9
The essay contains several grammatical errors, including incorrect verb forms and prepositions.
Sentence revisions 3
RevisedThe number of employees in computing increased from about 60 thousand to about 80 thousand from 2001 to 2008.
Use 'in' instead of 'of' for correct preposition usage.
RevisedThe number of people working in nursing increased from about 58 thousand to about 60 thousand between 2001 and 2008 in Australia.
Use 'and' instead of 'to' for correct range expression.
RevisedFarming stood at about 40 thousand and decreased to about 20 thousand between 2001 and 2008.
Use 'between' and 'and' for correct time range expression.
Lexical resource
Band 6.0/ 9
The essay uses a limited range of vocabulary, with some repetition and incorrect word choices.
Sentence revisions 3
RevisedOverall, while the numbers for sales, computing, and nursing increased slightly.
Use 'numbers' instead of 'figures' for clarity.
RevisedFarming employment was approximately 40 thousand and decreased to about 20 thousand from 2001 to 2008.
Use 'employment' to specify the context.
RevisedThe number of people working in nursing increased from about 58 thousand to about 60 thousand between 2001 and 2008 in Australia.
Correct the phrase 'worked as nursing' to 'working in nursing.'
Task achievement
Band 7.0/ 9
The essay addresses the task and provides a clear overview and details, but there are inaccuracies in data interpretation.
Suggestions
- Ensure data accuracy when describing trends.
- Provide more specific data points for clarity.
Check your own answer on this question
Write your answer and Axiom marks it the same way: a band for each criterion, and revisions for your own sentences. How the Task 1 checker works.
Check an essay free