Employment in five types of work: IELTS Task 1 answer #25, band 5.0
A student’s answer to this repeated IELTS question, shared without their name and marked by Axiom on the four criteria. Select a highlighted passage to see how it could be revised, and why.
129 words. Marked by Axiom on 30 November 2024. Estimated by AI. It isn’t an official IELTS score.
The bar chart this answer describes
Show the data
| 2001 | 2008 | |
|---|---|---|
| Sales | 155,000 | 165,000 |
| Accounting | 66,000 | 58,000 |
| Computing | 59,000 | 79,000 |
| Nursing | 56,000 | 60,000 |
| Farming | 29,000 | 19,000 |
Academic Task 1129 words
The chart below shows the number of people employed in five types of work in one region of Australia in 2001 and 2008.
The bar graph provides information about how many people employed in five types of work--- Sales, Accounting, Nursing, Farming--- between 2001 and 2008 in Australia.
Noteworthy is the fact that the highest figures in each year employed and Farming the lowest.
Lexical resource
RevisedOverall, there was an increase in employment for nursing, computing, and especially sales, while a decrease was seen in farming and accounting.
The revised sentence is more precise and uses the appropriate verbs for describing changes in employment.
Coherence & cohesion
RevisedFirstly, focusing on the increases, the figures for both years show a rise.
The revised sentence is more coherent and uses the appropriate preposition.
Lexical resource
RevisedIn addition, farming employed 30,000 people in 2001, but this number dramatically decreased to 19,000 by 2008.
The revised sentence uses the correct form of the word 'decrease' and makes the meaning clear.
Grammar & accuracy
RevisedThe number of people employed in computing stood at 59,000 in 2001, but this increased to 79,000 by 2008.
The revised sentence is more grammatically accurate and makes the meaning clear.
Noteworthy is the fact that the lowest figures in each year employed and Sales the highest.
Coherence & cohesion
RevisedIn contrast, nursing saw similar figures in both years.
The revised sentence is more coherent and uses the appropriate verb tense.
Select a highlighted passage to see its suggested revision.
What Axiom wrote for each criterion: why the answer earned its band, and what to work on next.
Coherence & cohesion
Band 5.0/ 9
The essay is logically organized and presents a clear overview. However, there are some issues with the flow of information and the use of cohesive devices.
Suggestions
- Use a variety of cohesive devices to improve the flow of information.
- Ensure that each paragraph has a clear central topic and that all sentences in the paragraph relate to this topic.
Sentence revisions 3
RevisedFirstly, focusing on the increases, the figures for both years show a rise.
The revised sentence is more coherent and uses the appropriate preposition.
RevisedIt is noteworthy that the lowest figures for employment in each year were for farming, while the highest were for sales.
The revised sentence is more coherent and makes the contrast clear.
RevisedIn contrast, nursing saw similar figures in both years.
The revised sentence is more coherent and uses the appropriate verb tense.
Grammar & accuracy
Band 5.0/ 9
The essay uses a mix of simple and complex sentence forms, and the majority of sentences are free from grammatical errors. However, there are a few instances of awkward or incorrect sentence construction.
Sentence revisions 3
RevisedThe bar graph provides information about the number of people employed in five different types of work - Sales, Accounting, Nursing, and Farming - between 2001 and 2008 in Australia.
The revised sentence is more grammatically accurate and is easier to read.
RevisedThe number of people employed in computing stood at 59,000 in 2001, but this increased to 79,000 by 2008.
The revised sentence is more grammatically accurate and makes the meaning clear.
RevisedBy contrast, nursing saw similar figures in both years.
The revised sentence uses the correct verb tense and makes the meaning clear.
Lexical resource
Band 5.0/ 9
The essay uses a range of vocabulary and there is some evidence of less common and idiomatic language. However, there are a few instances of awkward or incorrect word choice.
Sentence revisions 3
RevisedIt is a fact worth noting that the lowest figures for employment in each year were for farming, which was the lowest occupation on the list.
The revised sentence avoids repetition and makes the meaning clear.
RevisedOverall, there was an increase in employment for nursing, computing, and especially sales, while a decrease was seen in farming and accounting.
The revised sentence is more precise and uses the appropriate verbs for describing changes in employment.
RevisedIn addition, farming employed 30,000 people in 2001, but this number dramatically decreased to 19,000 by 2008.
The revised sentence uses the correct form of the word 'decrease' and makes the meaning clear.
Task achievement
Band 5.0/ 9
The essay provides an overview of the information presented in the bar graph and makes some comparisons where relevant. However, the essay could be improved by providing more detailed explanations of the trends and by making more specific comparisons.
Suggestions
- Provide a more detailed explanation of the trends shown in the bar graph.
- Make more specific comparisons between the data to provide a deeper analysis.
Check your own answer on this question
Write your answer and Axiom marks it the same way: a band for each criterion, and revisions for your own sentences. How the Task 1 checker works.
Check an essay free