Employment in five types of work: IELTS Task 1 answer #16, band 5.0
A student’s answer to this repeated IELTS question, shared without their name and marked by Axiom on the four criteria. Select a highlighted passage to see how it could be revised, and why.
128 words. Marked by Axiom on 30 November 2024. Estimated by AI. It isn’t an official IELTS score.
The bar chart this answer describes
Show the data
| 2001 | 2008 | |
|---|---|---|
| Sales | 155,000 | 165,000 |
| Accounting | 66,000 | 58,000 |
| Computing | 59,000 | 79,000 |
| Nursing | 56,000 | 60,000 |
| Farming | 29,000 | 19,000 |
Academic Task 1128 words
The chart below shows the number of people employed in five types of work in one region of Australia in 2001 and 2008.
The bar graph provides information about number of people employed in five types of work between 2001 and 2008.
Overall, while the figures for Accounting and Farming registered a downward trend,
Grammar & accuracy
Revisedthe reverse was true for Computing, Nursing, and especially Sales.
The comma before 'and especially Sales' is unnecessary as it does not separate two independent clauses.
Coherence & cohesion
RevisedIt is noteworthy that Sales showed the highest figures in each year, while Farming had the lowest.
The revised sentence is more concise and uses the comma correctly.
Coherence & cohesion
RevisedStarting with the increases, the number of people employed in Computing showed a dramatic rise, increasing by about 10,000 to reach almost 80,000 in 2008.
The revised sentence provides the same information but is more formal and precise.
Lexical resource
RevisedThe figures for Nursing and Sales showed a slight increase of about 2,000, reaching 60,000 in the same year, followed by an increase to 7,000 and reaching about 163,000 in 2008.
The revised sentence is more clear and concise, and the use of commas improves the flow of the sentence.
Grammar & accuracy
RevisedHowever, Accounting and Farming bucked the trend, showing a decrease
The revised sentence is more clear and grammatically accurate.
Select a highlighted passage to see its suggested revision.
What Axiom wrote for each criterion: why the answer earned its band, and what to work on next.
Coherence & cohesion
Band 5.0/ 9
The essay is logically organized and presents a clear overview. However, there are some issues with the flow of information and the use of cohesive devices.
Suggestions
- Use a variety of cohesive devices to improve the flow of information.
- Ensure that each paragraph has a clear central topic and that all sentences in the paragraph relate to this topic.
Sentence revisions 3
RevisedThe bar graph provides information about the number of people employed in five different types of work between 2001 and 2008.
Adding the word 'different' improves the clarity and flow of the sentence.
RevisedIt is noteworthy that Sales showed the highest figures in each year, while Farming had the lowest.
The revised sentence is more concise and uses the comma correctly.
RevisedStarting with the increases, the number of people employed in Computing showed a dramatic rise, increasing by about 10,000 to reach almost 80,000 in 2008.
The revised sentence provides the same information but is more formal and precise.
Grammar & accuracy
Band 5.0/ 9
The essay uses a mix of simple and complex sentence forms, and the majority of sentences are error-free. However, there are a few minor errors that do not impede communication.
Sentence revisions 3
Revisedthe reverse was true for Computing, Nursing, and especially Sales.
The comma before 'and especially Sales' is unnecessary as it does not separate two independent clauses.
RevisedHowever, Accounting and Farming bucked the trend, showing a decrease
The revised sentence is more clear and grammatically accurate.
RevisedIt is a fact worth noting that Sales showed the highest figures each year, while Farming had the lowest.
The revised sentence is more natural and grammatically accurate.
Lexical resource
Band 5.0/ 9
The essay uses a range of vocabulary and there is some evidence of less common and idiomatic language. However, there are a few instances of awkward or incorrect word choice.
Sentence revisions 3
Revisedthe number of people employed in Computing
The word 'who' is unnecessary in this context and the verb 'works' should agree with 'number', which is singular.
Revisedand reached almost 80,000 in 2008.
In English, the dot is not used in the thousands place.
RevisedThe figures for Nursing and Sales showed a slight increase of about 2,000, reaching 60,000 in the same year, followed by an increase to 7,000 and reaching about 163,000 in 2008.
The revised sentence is more clear and concise, and the use of commas improves the flow of the sentence.
Task achievement
Band 5.0/ 9
The essay provides a clear overview of the information presented in the graph and makes some relevant comparisons. However, the essay could be improved by providing more detailed analysis and by avoiding the use of symbols such as $ and .
Suggestions
- Provide a more detailed analysis of the data, including reasons for the trends and comparisons between the different types of work.
- Avoid the use of symbols such as $ and . in the text.
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