Employment in five types of work: IELTS Task 1 answer #15, band 5.0
A student’s answer to this repeated IELTS question, shared without their name and marked by Axiom on the four criteria. Select a highlighted passage to see how it could be revised, and why.
211 words. Marked by Axiom on 30 November 2024. Estimated by AI. It isn’t an official IELTS score.
The bar chart this answer describes
Show the data
| 2001 | 2008 | |
|---|---|---|
| Sales | 155,000 | 165,000 |
| Accounting | 66,000 | 58,000 |
| Computing | 59,000 | 79,000 |
| Nursing | 56,000 | 60,000 |
| Farming | 29,000 | 19,000 |
Academic Task 1211 words
The chart below shows the number of people employed in five types of work in one region of Australia in 2001 and 2008.
The bar graph provides information about the number of people employed in 5 types of work-sales, accounting, computing, nursing and farming- from 2001 to 2008 In Australia.
Overall, while the figures for the number of people in sales , computing and nursing increased , the reverse was true for accounting and farming from 2001 to 2008. Noteworthy is the fact that in both years the figures for the number of people who were employed in sales exhibited the highest figures.
Focusing on decreases first, the figures for the number of people who were employed in accounting stood at about 65000 in 2001 and this was followed by just above 60000 in 2008. Additionally, The number of people who were employed in farming registered a remarkable decrease from 30000 in 2001 to just under 20000 in 2008.
However, the number of people employed in sales registered the highest figures in both years from just under 160000 in 2001 to 165000 in 2008 . Figures for the number of people who were employed computing also saw a slight increase from just under 60000 to about 80000.lastly the figures for the number of people who were employed in nursing stood at just under 60000 in 2001 and this was followed by 60000 in 2008
No passages are highlighted in this essay.
What Axiom wrote for each criterion: why the answer earned its band, and what to work on next.
Coherence & cohesion
Band 5.0/ 9
The essay is logically organized and presents a clear overview. However, there are some issues with the flow of information and the use of cohesive devices.
Suggestions
- Use a variety of cohesive devices to improve the flow of information.
- Ensure that each paragraph has a clear central topic and that all sentences in the paragraph relate to this topic.
Sentence revisions 2
RevisedThe bar graph provides information about the number of people employed in five different sectors in Australia in 2001 and 2008.
The revision simplifies the sentence and improves the flow of information.
Revised$However, the sales sector employed the highest number of people in both years, with figures slightly increasing from just under 160,000 in 2001 to 165,000 in 2008.
The revision provides the same information but improves the flow and clarity of the sentence.
Grammar & accuracy
Band 5.0/ 9
The essay uses a mix of simple and complex sentence forms and there are only minor errors. However, there is room for improvement in terms of grammatical accuracy and the use of punctuation.
Sentence revisions 2
RevisedThe bar graph provides information about the number of people employed in five different fields: sales, accounting, computing, nursing, and farming, in Australia from 2001 to 2008.
The revision corrects the misuse of the dollar sign and the hyphen, and provides a more accurate and formal expression.
RevisedHowever, the sales sector had the highest employment figures in both years, with numbers slightly increasing from just under 160,000 in 2001 to 165,000 in 2008.
The revision provides the same information but corrects the use of the term 'registered the highest figures' which is awkward in this context.
Lexical resource
Band 5.0/ 9
The essay uses a range of vocabulary and there is some evidence of an attempt to use less common and more complex language. However, there are a few instances of awkward or incorrect word choice.
Sentence revisions 2
RevisedStarting with the sectors that experienced a decrease, the number of people employed in accounting was around 65,000 in 2001, decreasing to just above 60,000 in 2008.
The revision provides the same information but uses more precise language and improves the flow of the sentence.
RevisedAdditionally, there was a significant decrease in the number of people employed in farming, from 30,000 in 2001 to just under 20,000 in 2008.
The revision provides the same information but uses more precise language and improves the flow of the sentence.
Task achievement
Band 5.0/ 9
The essay provides a clear overview of the information presented in the graph and makes specific comparisons where relevant. However, the essay could be improved by providing more detailed analysis and by making more specific comparisons between the different sectors.
Suggestions
- Provide a more detailed analysis of the information presented in the graph.
- Make more specific comparisons between the different sectors.
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