Employment in five types of work: IELTS Task 1 answer #29, band 5.0
A student’s answer to this repeated IELTS question, shared without their name and marked by Axiom on the four criteria. Select a highlighted passage to see how it could be revised, and why.
149 words. Marked by Axiom on 30 November 2024. Estimated by AI. It isn’t an official IELTS score.
The bar chart this answer describes
Show the data
| 2001 | 2008 | |
|---|---|---|
| Sales | 155,000 | 165,000 |
| Accounting | 66,000 | 58,000 |
| Computing | 59,000 | 79,000 |
| Nursing | 56,000 | 60,000 |
| Farming | 29,000 | 19,000 |
Academic Task 1149 words
The chart below shows the number of people employed in five types of work in one region of Australia in 2001 and 2008.
Bar graph gives information about the people joined in 5 different works
The figure for Computing are increased about 60 to 75 from 2001 to 2008. The last one the figure for Nursing slow increase from 55 to 60 between 2001 to 2008 in Australia
Coherence & cohesion
RevisedOn the one hand, the number of people employed in sales, computing, and nursing increased from 2001 to 2008 in Australia.
The revision provides a more accurate and formal sentence structure.
Coherence & cohesion
RevisedThe number of people employed in sales increased from 150 to 165 between 2001 and 2008.
The revision provides a more accurate and formal sentence structure.
And people who have employed in Farming highly decreased from 30 to 17 in Australia between 2001to 2008.
Lexical resource
RevisedOn the other hand, there was a decrease in the number of people employed in accounting and farming in Australia between 2001 and 2008.
The revision provides a more accurate and formal expression.
Lexical resource
RevisedOverall, there was a significant increase in the number of people employed in sales, computing, and nursing, while the number of people employed in farming and accounting slightly decreased in Australia between 2001 and 2008.
The revision provides a more accurate and formal expression and uses more varied and sophisticated language.
Select a highlighted passage to see its suggested revision.
What Axiom wrote for each criterion: why the answer earned its band, and what to work on next.
Coherence & cohesion
Band 5.0/ 9
The essay is logically organized and presents a clear overview of the main trends. However, there are some issues with the flow of information and the use of cohesive devices.
Suggestions
- Use a variety of cohesive devices to improve the flow of information.
- Consider using more complex sentence structures to provide a more detailed analysis of the data.
Sentence revisions 3
RevisedThe bar graph provides information about the number of people employed in five different sectors in Australia in 2001 and 2008.
The revision provides a more accurate and formal introduction to the topic.
RevisedOn the one hand, the number of people employed in sales, computing, and nursing increased from 2001 to 2008 in Australia.
The revision provides a more accurate and formal sentence structure.
RevisedThe number of people employed in sales increased from 150 to 165 between 2001 and 2008.
The revision provides a more accurate and formal sentence structure.
Grammar & accuracy
Band 5.0/ 9
The essay uses a mix of simple and complex sentence forms and there is some attempt to use a range of grammatical structures. However, there are several grammatical errors and some of the sentences are unclear or awkward.
Sentence revisions 3
RevisedThe bar graph gives information about the number of people employed in five different fields.
The revision corrects the grammatical error and provides a more accurate expression.
RevisedOn the one hand, the number of people working in sales, computing, and nursing increased from 2001 to 2008 in Australia.
The revision corrects the grammatical error and provides a more accurate expression.
RevisedThe number of people employed in sales increased from 150 to 165 between 2001 and 2008.
The revision corrects the grammatical error and provides a more accurate expression.
Lexical resource
Band 5.0/ 9
The essay uses a range of vocabulary and there is some evidence of an attempt to use collocations and idiomatic language. However, there are some inaccuracies and the language could be more varied and sophisticated.
Sentence revisions 3
RevisedThe bar graph provides information about the number of people employed in five different professions.
The revision provides a more accurate and formal expression.
RevisedOn the other hand, there was a decrease in the number of people employed in accounting and farming in Australia between 2001 and 2008.
The revision provides a more accurate and formal expression.
RevisedOverall, there was a significant increase in the number of people employed in sales, computing, and nursing, while the number of people employed in farming and accounting slightly decreased in Australia between 2001 and 2008.
The revision provides a more accurate and formal expression and uses more varied and sophisticated language.
Task achievement
Band 5.0/ 9
The essay provides an overview of the main trends and presents some specific details. However, the essay does not fully address the task and the analysis of the data is somewhat superficial.
Suggestions
- Provide a more detailed analysis of the data and include more specific details.
- Make sure that all parts of the task are fully addressed.
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