Employment in five types of work: IELTS Task 1 answer #28, band 5.5
A student’s answer to this repeated IELTS question, shared without their name and marked by Axiom on the four criteria. Select a highlighted passage to see how it could be revised, and why.
169 words. Marked by Axiom on 30 November 2024. Estimated by AI. It isn’t an official IELTS score.
The bar chart this answer describes
Show the data
| 2001 | 2008 | |
|---|---|---|
| Sales | 155,000 | 165,000 |
| Accounting | 66,000 | 58,000 |
| Computing | 59,000 | 79,000 |
| Nursing | 56,000 | 60,000 |
| Farming | 29,000 | 19,000 |
Academic Task 1169 words
The chart below shows the number of people employed in five types of work in one region of Australia in 2001 and 2008.
The bar graph provides information about amount people worked in five different types of work in Australia from 2001 to 2008
Overall while the figures for a type of work such as sales , computing, and nursing experienced an upward trend the reverse was true true for accounting and farming .
Grammar & accuracy
RevisedNotably, farming showed the lowest figure in each year, while sales showed the highest.
The sentence is not grammatically correct and the ideas are not clearly expressed. The revised sentence provides a more accurate and clear expression of the idea.
The figures for number of people worked as a seller in Australia showed the increase about 4000 people in 2001 and reached to 162000 people in 2008 .
Lexical resource
RevisedFocusing on the increases first, despite the fact that there were also decreases.
The original sentence is awkward and not grammatically correct. The revised sentence provides a clearer and more accurate expression of the idea.
Coherence & cohesion
RevisedAlso, the number of workers in the field of computing experienced an increase of about 7000 people in 2001, reaching 79000 in 2008. Similarly, the number of nursing professionals increased by about 1000 people in 2008 compared to 2001.
The sentence is confusing and not well-organized. It should be revised for clarity and to ensure that all information is presented in a logical order.
Lexical resource
RevisedIf we focus on the decreases, we see that the number of employees in the field of accounting experienced a decline of about 4000 people, and the field of farming also showed a decline, with about 6000 fewer people in 2008 compared to 2001.
The original sentence is unclear and uses incorrect terminology. The revised sentence provides a more accurate and clear expression of the idea.
Select a highlighted passage to see its suggested revision.
What Axiom wrote for each criterion: why the answer earned its band, and what to work on next.
Coherence & cohesion
Band 5.0/ 9
The essay is logically organized and presents a clear overview. However, there are some issues with the flow of information and the use of cohesive devices.
Suggestions
- Use a variety of cohesive devices to improve the flow of information.
- Ensure that each paragraph has a clear central topic and that all sentences in the paragraph relate to this topic.
Sentence revisions 2
RevisedThe bar graph provides information about the number of people employed in five different types of work in Australia from 2001 to 2008.
The word 'amount' is not appropriate in this context. It should be replaced with 'number'.
RevisedAlso, the number of workers in the field of computing experienced an increase of about 7000 people in 2001, reaching 79000 in 2008. Similarly, the number of nursing professionals increased by about 1000 people in 2008 compared to 2001.
The sentence is confusing and not well-organized. It should be revised for clarity and to ensure that all information is presented in a logical order.
Grammar & accuracy
Band 6.0/ 9
The essay uses a mix of simple and complex sentence forms, and the majority of sentences are free from grammatical errors. However, there are a few grammatical errors and some sentences are unclear or awkward.
Sentence revisions 2
RevisedThe bar graph provides information about the number of people working in five different types of jobs in Australia from 2001 to 2008.
The phrase 'amount people worked' is not grammatically correct. It should be 'the number of people working'.
RevisedNotably, farming showed the lowest figure in each year, while sales showed the highest.
The sentence is not grammatically correct and the ideas are not clearly expressed. The revised sentence provides a more accurate and clear expression of the idea.
Lexical resource
Band 6.0/ 9
The essay uses a range of vocabulary and there is some evidence of an attempt to use less common and idiomatic language. However, there are a few awkward or incorrect word choices.
Sentence revisions 2
RevisedFocusing on the increases first, despite the fact that there were also decreases.
The original sentence is awkward and not grammatically correct. The revised sentence provides a clearer and more accurate expression of the idea.
RevisedIf we focus on the decreases, we see that the number of employees in the field of accounting experienced a decline of about 4000 people, and the field of farming also showed a decline, with about 6000 fewer people in 2008 compared to 2001.
The original sentence is unclear and uses incorrect terminology. The revised sentence provides a more accurate and clear expression of the idea.
Task achievement
Band 6.0/ 9
The essay provides a clear overview of the information presented in the graph and makes some relevant comparisons. However, the essay could be improved by providing more detailed analysis and by making more specific comparisons.
Suggestions
- Provide a more detailed analysis of the information presented in the graph.
- Make more specific comparisons and try to explain the reasons for the trends shown in the graph.
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