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Employment in five types of work: IELTS Task 1 answer #5, band 5.5

A student’s answer to this repeated IELTS question, shared without their name and marked by Axiom on the four criteria. Select a highlighted passage to see how it could be revised, and why.

160 words. Marked by Axiom on 30 November 2024. Estimated by AI. It isn’t an official IELTS score.

The bar chart this answer describes

Employment in five types of work (IELTS Task 1 bar chart)2001, 2008 for Sales, Accounting, Computing, Nursing, Farming, in people. Values are approximate, read from the original chart.050,000100,000150,000200,000SalesAccountingComputingNursingFarming
Employment in five types of work (IELTS Task 1 bar chart)2001, 2008 for Sales, Accounting, Computing, Nursing, Farming, in people. Values are approximate, read from the original chart.050,000100,000150,000200,000SalesAccountingComputingNursingFarming
Values in people. Values approximate: read from the original chart, not printed on it.
Show the data
Employment in five types of work (IELTS Task 1 bar chart) (people)
20012008
Sales155,000165,000
Accounting66,00058,000
Computing59,00079,000
Nursing56,00060,000
Farming29,00019,000

Academic Task 1160 words

The chart below shows the number of people employed in five types of work in one region of Australia in 2001 and 2008.

The bar chart provides information with how many people employed in five types of work - sales, accounting, computing, nursing and farming - between 2001 and 2008 in Australia.

However, the reverse was true for farming had the lowest figures of manpower each period.

  1. Coherence & cohesion

    RevisedOverall, the number of workers in sales was the highest in both 2001 and 2008.

    Simplified the sentence for clarity and coherence.

Also, number of workers who employed computing and nursing showed a significant growth in 2008.

  1. Coherence & cohesion

    RevisedSales, computing, and nursing experienced significant increases between 2001 and 2008.

    Removed redundancy and improved sentence flow.

  2. Lexical resource

    RevisedThe number of people employed in sales increased by over 10,000 in 2008 compared to 2001.

    Corrected word choice for clarity.

It is clear that the number of employees decreased almost 10,000 in 2008 rather than 2001.

  1. Coherence & cohesion

    RevisedIn contrast, employment in accounting and farming decreased noticeably during the same period.

    Clarified the contrast and improved sentence structure.

Select a highlighted passage to see its suggested revision.

Estimated by AI. It isn’t an official IELTS score.

What Axiom wrote for each criterion: why the answer earned its band, and what to work on next.

Coherence & cohesion

Band 6.0/ 9

The essay generally follows a logical structure but lacks clear linking phrases and transitions between ideas.

Suggestions

  • Use more linking words to connect ideas.
  • Ensure each paragraph has a clear central idea.
  • Avoid abrupt transitions.

Sentence revisions 3

  • RevisedOverall, the number of workers in sales was the highest in both 2001 and 2008.

    Simplified the sentence for clarity and coherence.

  • RevisedSales, computing, and nursing experienced significant increases between 2001 and 2008.

    Removed redundancy and improved sentence flow.

  • RevisedIn contrast, employment in accounting and farming decreased noticeably during the same period.

    Clarified the contrast and improved sentence structure.

Grammar & accuracy

Band 5.0/ 9

There are frequent grammatical errors that affect clarity.

Sentence revisions 3

  • RevisedThe number of people employed in sales increased by over 10,000 in 2008 compared to 2001.

    Corrected passive voice usage.

  • RevisedAlso, the number of workers employed in computing and nursing showed significant growth.

    Corrected article usage and verb form.

  • RevisedHowever, the figures for those employed in accounting and farming experienced a noticeable decline.

    Corrected passive voice usage.

Lexical resource

Band 6.0/ 9

The vocabulary is adequate but lacks variety and precision.

Sentence revisions 3

  • RevisedThe bar chart illustrates the number of people employed in five different types of work.

    Improved precision and variety of vocabulary.

  • RevisedIt is noticeable that sales, computing, and nursing saw a significant increase.

    Used more appropriate vocabulary for the context.

  • RevisedThe number of people employed in sales increased by over 10,000 in 2008 compared to 2001.

    Corrected word choice for clarity.

Task achievement

Band 6.0/ 9

The essay addresses the task but lacks detailed analysis and specific data.

Suggestions

  • Include specific data from the chart to support statements.
  • Provide a more detailed analysis of trends and comparisons.

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