Employment in five types of work: IELTS Task 1 answer #6, band 6.0
A student’s answer to this repeated IELTS question, shared without their name and marked by Axiom on the four criteria. Select a highlighted passage to see how it could be revised, and why.
136 words. Marked by Axiom on 30 November 2024. Estimated by AI. It isn’t an official IELTS score.
The bar chart this answer describes
Show the data
| 2001 | 2008 | |
|---|---|---|
| Sales | 155,000 | 165,000 |
| Accounting | 66,000 | 58,000 |
| Computing | 59,000 | 79,000 |
| Nursing | 56,000 | 60,000 |
| Farming | 29,000 | 19,000 |
Academic Task 1136 words
The chart below shows the number of people employed in five types of work in one region of Australia in 2001 and 2008.
The bar chart shows the number of who employed in Australia in five different jobs (Sales, Accounting, Computing, Nursing and Farming) between 2001 and 2008.
Overall, the total of individuals who employed in Sales job hold the highest figures in both years.
Lexical resource
RevisedHowever, the number of people who worked as farmers was fewer over a 7-year period.
The term 'a Farmer' should be pluralized to 'farmers' to be consistent and the word 'fewer' should be followed by a noun.
Turning to 2008 the figure for workers slightly rose to approximately 165.000. However, this trend increased to over 80.000 in 2008.
Coherence & cohesion
RevisedFocusing on the increases first, the number of people employed in the Sales job was under 155,000 in 2001.
The term 'amount of people who worked in the job of Sales' is awkward and can be rephrased for clarity.
Lexical resource
RevisedBy contrast, the number of people working in computing was around 60,000 in 2001.
The phrase 'amount of people worked in the job of Computing' is awkward and can be rephrased for clarity.
However these figures decreased slightly in 2008
Grammar & accuracy
RevisedTurning to the fields of Accounting, Nursing and Farming, the numbers were higher in the previous year.
The phrase 'Turning to the jobs of Accounting, Nursing and Farming was higher in the previous year' is grammatically incorrect and awkward. It should be 'Turning to the fields of Accounting, Nursing and Farming, the numbers were higher in the previous year.'
Select a highlighted passage to see its suggested revision.
What Axiom wrote for each criterion: why the answer earned its band, and what to work on next.
Coherence & cohesion
Band 6.0/ 9
The essay is logically organized and presents a clear overview. However, there are some issues with the flow of information and the use of cohesive devices.
Suggestions
- Use a variety of cohesive devices to improve the flow of information.
- Ensure that each paragraph has a clear central topic and that all sentences in the paragraph relate to this topic.
Sentence revisions 3
RevisedThe bar chart shows the number of people employed in Australia in five different jobs (Sales, Accounting, Computing, Nursing and Farming) between 2001 and 2008.
The phrase 'who employed' is not grammatically correct. It should be 'people employed'.
RevisedThe bar chart illustrates the number of people employed in five different professions (Sales, Accounting, Computing, Nursing and Farming) between 2001 and 2008.
The introduction can be more specific and engaging by using the word 'illustrates' and specifying the professions.
RevisedFocusing on the increases first, the number of people employed in the Sales job was under 155,000 in 2001.
The term 'amount of people who worked in the job of Sales' is awkward and can be rephrased for clarity.
Grammar & accuracy
Band 6.0/ 9
The essay makes use of a mix of simple and complex sentence forms, and the majority of sentences are free from grammatical errors. However, there are some errors that need to be addressed.
Sentence revisions 3
RevisedThe bar chart shows the number of people employed in Australia.
The phrase 'who employed' is not grammatically correct. It should be 'people employed'.
RevisedHowever, the number of people who worked as farmers was fewer over a 7-year period.
The term 'people who worked as a Farmer' is grammatically incorrect and should be in plural form 'people who worked as farmers'.
RevisedTurning to the fields of Accounting, Nursing and Farming, the numbers were higher in the previous year.
The phrase 'Turning to the jobs of Accounting, Nursing and Farming was higher in the previous year' is grammatically incorrect and awkward. It should be 'Turning to the fields of Accounting, Nursing and Farming, the numbers were higher in the previous year.'
Lexical resource
Band 6.0/ 9
The essay uses a range of vocabulary and there is some evidence of an attempt to use less common and more formal language. However, there are some inaccuracies and awkward phrases that need to be addressed.
Sentence revisions 3
RevisedThe bar chart shows the number of people employed in Australia.
The phrase 'who employed' is not complete and does not make sense. It should be 'people employed'.
RevisedHowever, the number of people who worked as farmers was fewer over a 7-year period.
The term 'a Farmer' should be pluralized to 'farmers' to be consistent and the word 'fewer' should be followed by a noun.
RevisedBy contrast, the number of people working in computing was around 60,000 in 2001.
The phrase 'amount of people worked in the job of Computing' is awkward and can be rephrased for clarity.
Task achievement
Band 6.0/ 9
The essay provides a clear overview of the information presented in the chart and makes some relevant comparisons. However, the essay could be improved by providing more detailed analysis and by making more specific comparisons.
Suggestions
- Provide a more detailed analysis of the information presented in the chart.
- Make more specific comparisons between the data points.
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