Employment in five types of work: IELTS Task 1 answer #4, band 7.5
A student’s answer to this repeated IELTS question, shared without their name and marked by Axiom on the four criteria. Select a highlighted passage to see how it could be revised, and why.
166 words. Marked by Axiom on 30 November 2024. Estimated by AI. It isn’t an official IELTS score.
The bar chart this answer describes
Show the data
| 2001 | 2008 | |
|---|---|---|
| Sales | 155,000 | 165,000 |
| Accounting | 66,000 | 58,000 |
| Computing | 59,000 | 79,000 |
| Nursing | 56,000 | 60,000 |
| Farming | 29,000 | 19,000 |
Academic Task 1166 words
The chart below shows the number of people employed in five types of work in one region of Australia in 2001 and 2008.
The bar graph provides information about how many people were working in five fields – Sales, Accounting, Computing, Nursing and Farming – in Australia over a seven year-period, starting from 2001.
Coherence & cohesion
RevisedOverall, Nursing, Sales, and especially Computing showed an upward trend, whereas Accounting and Farming experienced declines.
Improved clarity and cohesion by rephrasing.
Coherence & cohesion
RevisedIt is noteworthy that Sales consistently recorded the highest figures each year, while Farming had the lowest.
Enhanced sentence structure for better coherence.
Focusing on increases first, in 2001 just below 160,000 Australians were working in sales, a figure which was then followed by a marked increase to about 170,000.
Grammar & accuracy
RevisedComputing and Nursing had nearly identical figures of about 60,000 in 2001; however, while Computing exhibited an increase of about 20,000 to reach 80,000 in 2008, Nursing saw only a marginal rise.
Avoided using 'former' and 'latter' for clarity.
Accounting and Farming bucked the trend.
Grammar & accuracy
RevisedThe number of people employed in these sectors decreased from approximately 65,000 and 30,000 to just below 60,000 and 20,000 by 2008.
Improved grammatical precision by rephrasing.
Select a highlighted passage to see its suggested revision.
What Axiom wrote for each criterion: why the answer earned its band, and what to work on next.
Coherence & cohesion
Band 7.0/ 9
The essay is well-structured with a clear overview and logical progression. However, some transitions could be smoother.
Suggestions
- Use more varied linking words to enhance flow.
- Ensure each paragraph focuses on a single main idea.
- Clarify comparisons between the sectors.
Sentence revisions 3
RevisedComputing and Nursing both had nearly identical figures of approximately 60,000 in 2001, but their trajectories differed.
Clarified the comparison between Computing and Nursing.
RevisedOverall, Nursing, Sales, and especially Computing showed an upward trend, whereas Accounting and Farming experienced declines.
Improved clarity and cohesion by rephrasing.
RevisedIt is noteworthy that Sales consistently recorded the highest figures each year, while Farming had the lowest.
Enhanced sentence structure for better coherence.
Grammar & accuracy
Band 8.0/ 9
The essay demonstrates a good range of grammatical structures with minor errors.
Sentence revisions 3
RevisedComputing and Nursing had nearly identical figures of about 60,000 in 2001; however, while Computing exhibited an increase of about 20,000 to reach 80,000 in 2008, Nursing saw only a marginal rise.
Avoided using 'former' and 'latter' for clarity.
RevisedThe number of people employed in these sectors decreased from approximately 65,000 and 30,000 to just below 60,000 and 20,000 by 2008.
Improved grammatical precision by rephrasing.
RevisedOverall, while the figures for Nursing, Sales, and especially Computing registered an upward trend, the reverse was true for Accounting and Farming.
Corrected article usage and capitalization for consistency.
Lexical resource
Band 7.0/ 9
The essay uses a range of vocabulary appropriately, though there is some repetition.
Sentence revisions 3
RevisedThe bar graph illustrates the number of individuals employed in five sectors.
Varied vocabulary by using 'illustrates' and 'sectors'.
RevisedInitially focusing on increases, in 2001, nearly 160,000 Australians were employed in Sales.
Used 'employed' to avoid repetition and improve lexical range.
RevisedComputing and Nursing displayed almost identical numbers.
Replaced 'figures' with 'numbers' for variety.
Task achievement
Band 8.0/ 9
The essay effectively addresses the task, providing a clear summary of the data with relevant details.
Suggestions
- Ensure all data points are accurately represented.
- Include more specific data comparisons between years.
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