Employment in five types of work: IELTS Task 1 answer #3, band 7.0
A student’s answer to this repeated IELTS question, shared without their name and marked by Axiom on the four criteria. Select a highlighted passage to see how it could be revised, and why.
190 words. Marked by Axiom on 20 August 2024. Estimated by AI. It isn’t an official IELTS score.
The bar chart this answer describes
Show the data
| 2001 | 2008 | |
|---|---|---|
| Sales | 155,000 | 165,000 |
| Accounting | 66,000 | 58,000 |
| Computing | 59,000 | 79,000 |
| Nursing | 56,000 | 60,000 |
| Farming | 29,000 | 19,000 |
Academic Task 1190 words
The chart below shows the number of people employed in five types of work in one region of Australia in 2001 and 2008. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant. Write at least 150 words. Number of people employed in five types of work 180,000 160,000 140,000 120,000 100,000 80,000 writer 60,000 40,000 20,000 0 Sales Accounting Computing Nursing Farming =2001 =2008
The bar chart compares the number of employed people in five different categories of work in one unspecified region of Australia in the years 2001 and 2008.
Coherence & cohesion
RevisedOverall, the commercial sector employed the majority of people, significantly more than any other sector, in both years.
This sentence is a bit confusing in terms of the flow of information. The revision provides a clearer and more logical presentation of the information.
Coherence & cohesion
RevisedAdditionally, the number of workers in the sales, computing, and nursing sectors increased, while the accounting and farming sectors saw a decrease in employee numbers.
The use of 'abandoned' in the original sentence is not quite accurate and doesn't fit well with the rest of the sentence. The revision provides a more accurate description.
In the initial year, nearly 160,000 people were working in trade sector, and this number increased, reaching about 165,000 in 2008. However, and reached 75,000 in 2008. In contrast, accounting sector saw a decline in the number of workers from around 65,000 to just under 60,000
Lexical resource
Revisedthe most significant growth was seen in the computing sector, which added 19,000 employees
Sectors don't grow, they add or lose employees. The correct terminology should be used.
Coherence & cohesion
RevisedIn both years, the number of farming employees remained very low, decreasing to approximately 27,000 from an initial figure of about 40,000.
The sentence in the original essay is confusing and inaccurate. The revision provides a clearer and more accurate presentation of the information.
Grammar & accuracy
RevisedThe last category, nursing, experienced an upward trend, with the number of employees increasing from 53,000 to about 55,000 in 2001 and 2008, respectively.
The use of the article 'a' is incorrect in this context. Also, it is more clear to specify the years directly rather than saying 'the years' followed by the dates.
Select a highlighted passage to see its suggested revision.
What Axiom wrote for each criterion: why the answer earned its band, and what to work on next.
Coherence & cohesion
Band 7.0/ 9
The essay is logically organized and presents a clear overview. The writer uses appropriate cohesive devices and paragraphing. However, there are a few instances where the flow of information could be improved.
Suggestions
- Ensure that each paragraph has a clear central topic.
- Use a variety of cohesive devices to improve the flow of information.
- Consider the overall structure of the essay to ensure a logical flow of information.
Sentence revisions 3
RevisedOverall, the commercial sector employed the majority of people, significantly more than any other sector, in both years.
This sentence is a bit confusing in terms of the flow of information. The revision provides a clearer and more logical presentation of the information.
RevisedAdditionally, the number of workers in the sales, computing, and nursing sectors increased, while the accounting and farming sectors saw a decrease in employee numbers.
The use of 'abandoned' in the original sentence is not quite accurate and doesn't fit well with the rest of the sentence. The revision provides a more accurate description.
RevisedIn both years, the number of farming employees remained very low, decreasing to approximately 27,000 from an initial figure of about 40,000.
The sentence in the original essay is confusing and inaccurate. The revision provides a clearer and more accurate presentation of the information.
Grammar & accuracy
Band 7.0/ 9
The essay has a mix of complex and simple sentences and the majority of sentences are error-free. However, there are a few grammatical errors that need to be addressed.
Sentence revisions 3
RevisedOverall, the majority of people were employed in the commercial sector, and the number of employees there was far higher than in any other type of work in both years.
The use of 'in' before 'the commercial sector' is necessary. Also, 'far more' should be changed to 'far higher' as we are talking about numbers instead of quantities.
RevisedIn both years, the number of people employed in farming was very low and decreased to approximately 27,000 from about 40,000 in the first year.
The verb 'decreased' correctly indicates a reduction in the quantity. Also, 'figure' is not an appropriate term to use in this context.
RevisedThe last category, nursing, experienced an upward trend, with the number of employees increasing from 53,000 to about 55,000 in 2001 and 2008, respectively.
The use of the article 'a' is incorrect in this context. Also, it is more clear to specify the years directly rather than saying 'the years' followed by the dates.
Lexical resource
Band 7.0/ 9
The writer uses a good range of vocabulary and there is evidence of less common and idiomatic language. However, there are a few instances of awkward or incorrect word choice.
Sentence revisions 3
Revisedthe majority of people were employed in the commercial sector
The preposition 'in' is needed to indicate being within a certain area, in this case, the commercial sector.
Revisedthe most significant growth was seen in the computing sector, which added 19,000 employees
Sectors don't grow, they add or lose employees. The correct terminology should be used.
Revisedthe number of people in the farming sector was very low and decreased to approximately 27,000 from an initial figure of about 40,000.
The use of 'figure' is not appropriate in this context. The revision provides a more accurate use of terminology.
Task achievement
Band 7.0/ 9
The essay provides a clear overview of the information and makes appropriate comparisons. However, the writer could provide more detailed analysis of the data and its significance.
Suggestions
- Include more specific data from the chart to support your comparisons and analysis.
- Consider the reasons behind the trends in the data and how they might be connected.
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