Employment in five types of work: IELTS Task 1 answer #2, band 7.0
A student’s answer to this repeated IELTS question, shared without their name and marked by Axiom on the four criteria. Select a highlighted passage to see how it could be revised, and why.
186 words. Marked by Axiom on 6 August 2024. Estimated by AI. It isn’t an official IELTS score.
The bar chart this answer describes
Show the data
| 2001 | 2008 | |
|---|---|---|
| Sales | 155,000 | 165,000 |
| Accounting | 66,000 | 58,000 |
| Computing | 59,000 | 79,000 |
| Nursing | 56,000 | 60,000 |
| Farming | 29,000 | 19,000 |
Academic Task 1186 words
The chart below shows the number of people employed in five types of work in one region of Australia in 2001 and 2008
The graph compares the number of people working in five various work domains in one of Australian region in 2001 and 2008.
Overall, the number of employees in sales and computing along with nursing followed upward trends over the period, reverse was true for the remaining categories. It is clear that the number of workers in sale was dominant in both years.
Focusing on increases first, the number of workers opted for sales were high in both 2001 and 2006, with the respective figure of almost 150 800 and 160200. As for computing and nursing, that figures were equal in the number of employees in initial year, with 50 500, after which that patterns saw a considerable rise to nearly 80 000 and 60 000 respectively in 2008.
Coherence & cohesion
RevisedOn the other hand, the number of workers in the accounting sector experienced a marginal decline from over 60,000 to 50,800 over the given period.
The revision provides a more formal and precise expression.
Lexical resource
RevisedIn the case of farming, the number of employees was relatively low in both years, starting at 27,000 in 2001 and decreasing slightly to 20,000 in 2008.
The revision provides a more clear and precise expression.
Select a highlighted passage to see its suggested revision.
What Axiom wrote for each criterion: why the answer earned its band, and what to work on next.
Coherence & cohesion
Band 7.0/ 9
The essay is logically organized and presents a clear overview. However, there are a few instances where the flow of information could be improved.
Suggestions
- Use a variety of cohesive devices to improve the flow of information.
- Ensure that each paragraph has a clear central topic.
Sentence revisions 3
RevisedThe graph illustrates the number of people employed in five different sectors in a region of Australia in 2001 and 2008.
The revision provides a more formal and precise introduction to the topic.
RevisedIn the case of computing and nursing, the number of employees in the initial year was the same, at 50 500.
The use of 'that figures' is unclear and the sentence is incomplete. The revision provides a more clear and formal expression.
RevisedOn the other hand, the number of workers in the accounting sector experienced a marginal decline from over 60,000 to 50,800 over the given period.
The revision provides a more formal and precise expression.
Grammar & accuracy
Band 7.0/ 9
The essay uses a mix of simple and complex sentence forms and there are very few grammatical errors. However, there are a few instances of awkward or incorrect sentence structure.
Sentence revisions 3
RevisedThe graph compares the number of people employed in five different industries in a region of Australia in 2001 and 2008.
The revision corrects some minor errors and awkward phrasing in the original sentence.
RevisedFor computing and nursing, the figures were the same in the initial year, with 50 500.
The revised sentence is grammatically correct and has a more natural structure.
RevisedOn the other hand, the number of workers in the accounting sector experienced a slight decline from over 60,000 to 50,800 over the same period.
The revised sentence is grammatically correct and has a more natural structure.
Lexical resource
Band 7.0/ 9
The essay uses a good range of vocabulary and there is evidence of less common and idiomatic language. However, there are a few instances of awkward or incorrect word choice.
Sentence revisions 3
RevisedThe graph compares the number of people employed in five different industries in a region of Australia in 2001 and 2008.
'Industries' is a more appropriate word to use here than 'work domains'.
RevisedFor computing and nursing, the figures were the same in the initial year, at 50 500.
'Figures' should be used instead of 'that figures' and the sentence is incomplete. The revision provides a more clear and precise expression.
RevisedIn the case of farming, the number of employees was relatively low in both years, starting at 27,000 in 2001 and decreasing slightly to 20,000 in 2008.
The revision provides a more clear and precise expression.
Task achievement
Band 7.0/ 9
The essay provides a clear overview of the information and makes appropriate comparisons. The essay also identifies trends and significant features in the data. However, the essay could be improved by providing more specific details and by making the language more formal.
Suggestions
- Provide more specific details in the essay.
- Make the language more formal.
- Avoid using symbols such as '$' in the essay.
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