Employment in five types of work: IELTS Task 1 answer #1, band 7.0
A student’s answer to this repeated IELTS question, shared without their name and marked by Axiom on the four criteria. Select a highlighted passage to see how it could be revised, and why.
201 words. Marked by Axiom on 3 August 2024. Estimated by AI. It isn’t an official IELTS score.
The bar chart this answer describes
Show the data
| 2001 | 2008 | |
|---|---|---|
| Sales | 155,000 | 165,000 |
| Accounting | 66,000 | 58,000 |
| Computing | 59,000 | 79,000 |
| Nursing | 56,000 | 60,000 |
| Farming | 29,000 | 19,000 |
Academic Task 1201 words
The chart below shows the number of people employed in five types of work on one region of Australia in 2001 and 2008
The bar chart compares the number of Australian people in one region working in five different jobs in 2001 and 2008. Overall, all types of employee figures increased in the next year while the farming industry and accounting exhibited a drop pattern. It is also clear that the number of shop assistants was predominant in both years.
In 2001, the shop assistant was apparently popular compared to the other remaining staff. In the former year, it accounted for 60000 and it continued to grow to 80000 workers. Although the figure for nursing recorded the same number with computing in the initial year, it almost remained unchanged in 2008.
Coherence & cohesion
RevisedIt had a substantial count of around 155,000 in 2001, which saw a modest increase to 165,000 by 2008.
The revised sentence is more coherent and uses more precise language to describe the data.
Lexical resource
RevisedIn the case of the computing sector, it also displayed a significant upward trend.
The revision uses more precise language to describe the trend.
Although , the quantity of workers in this realm decreased slightly and it was 60000. The figure for agriculture was declining type of worker number in both years with 30000 in 2001 and it further exhibited a decrease in chart with 20000 employees.
Coherence & cohesion
RevisedIn contrast, the fields of accounting and farming showed a decreasing trend.
The revised sentence is more coherent and uses more precise language to describe the trends.
Grammar & accuracy
Revisedthe accounting sector held the second highest position with 65000 workers in 2001
The revised sentence is more grammatically accurate and provides a clearer expression of the ideas.
Select a highlighted passage to see its suggested revision.
What Axiom wrote for each criterion: why the answer earned its band, and what to work on next.
Coherence & cohesion
Band 7.0/ 9
The essay is logically organized and presents a clear overview. However, there are a few areas where the flow of information could be improved.
Suggestions
- Use a variety of cohesive devices to improve the flow of information.
- Consider using more complex sentence structures to provide a more detailed analysis.
Sentence revisions 3
RevisedThe given bar chart illustrates the number of people employed in five different sectors in a region of Australia during the years 2001 and 2008.
The revision provides a more formal and precise introduction to the topic.
RevisedIt had a substantial count of around 155,000 in 2001, which saw a modest increase to 165,000 by 2008.
The revised sentence is more coherent and uses more precise language to describe the data.
RevisedIn contrast, the fields of accounting and farming showed a decreasing trend.
The revised sentence is more coherent and uses more precise language to describe the trends.
Grammar & accuracy
Band 7.0/ 9
The essay uses a mix of simple and complex sentence forms and there are very few grammatical errors. However, there are a few areas where the grammar could be improved.
Sentence revisions 3
RevisedThe bar chart compares the number of people of various nationalities working in five different jobs within one region of Australia in 2001 and 2008.
The revision provides a more grammatically accurate introduction to the topic.
RevisedIt presented a substantial figure of around 155,000 in 2001 and experienced a modest growth to 165,000 in 2008.
The revised sentence is more grammatically accurate and provides a clearer expression of the ideas.
Revisedthe accounting sector held the second highest position with 65000 workers in 2001
The revised sentence is more grammatically accurate and provides a clearer expression of the ideas.
Lexical resource
Band 7.0/ 9
The essay uses a good range of vocabulary and there is evidence of less common and idiomatic language. However, some words and phrases could be used more accurately.
Sentence revisions 3
RevisedThe bar chart compares the number of individuals working in five different sectors in a region of Australia during 2001 and 2008.
The revision uses more precise language to describe the data.
RevisedIt had a substantial count of around 155,000 in 2001, escalating to 165,000 by 2008.
The revision uses more precise and academic language to describe the data.
RevisedIn the case of the computing sector, it also displayed a significant upward trend.
The revision uses more precise language to describe the trend.
Task achievement
Band 7.0/ 9
The essay provides a clear overview of the information and makes relevant comparisons. However, the essay could be improved by providing more detailed analysis and by making more specific comparisons.
Suggestions
- Provide a more detailed analysis of the data and make more specific comparisons.
- Use a wider range of structures to discuss the data.
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