Employment in five types of work: IELTS Task 1 answer #34, band 5.5
A student’s answer to this repeated IELTS question, shared without their name and marked by Axiom on the four criteria. Select a highlighted passage to see how it could be revised, and why.
190 words. Marked by Axiom on 15 December 2024. Estimated by AI. It isn’t an official IELTS score.
The bar chart this answer describes
Show the data
| 2001 | 2008 | |
|---|---|---|
| Sales | 155,000 | 165,000 |
| Accounting | 66,000 | 58,000 |
| Computing | 59,000 | 79,000 |
| Nursing | 56,000 | 60,000 |
| Farming | 29,000 | 19,000 |
Academic Task 1190 words
The chart below shows the number of people employed in five types of work on one region of Australia in 2001 and 2008
The chart illustrates the number of people employed in five different types of work on one region of Australia in 2001 and 2008 periods.
In all sectors there were grow in workforce except of accounting and farming.
Coherence & cohesion
RevisedOverall, the workforce in the farming sector was the smallest compared to others, whereas the sales sector had the highest number of workers.
Revised for clarity and grammatical correctness.
Coherence & cohesion
RevisedIn detail, the sales sector saw a slight increase from 158,000 in 2001 to 163,000 in 2008, making it the only sector with more than 80,000 employees.
Improved sentence structure and clarity.
Lexical resource
RevisedThe computing field attracted 20,000 more workers over seven years, reaching 80,000 in 2008.
Improved precision and clarity.
Grammar & accuracy
RevisedFurthermore, there were only around 2,000 people interested in the nursing field, resulting in 60,000 staff working in nursing by 2008.
Corrected punctuation and improved sentence flow.
Coherence & cohesion
RevisedMoreover, the accounting sector experienced a noticeable decrease, with the workforce declining from around 63,000 to 59,000 employees.
Clarified sentence structure and improved coherence.
Grammar & accuracy
RevisedA similar downward trend was observed in the farming sector, which had around 24,000 employees in 2001 and lost about 4,000 workers by 2008, leaving 20,000 team members.
Improved grammatical accuracy and sentence clarity.
Select a highlighted passage to see its suggested revision.
What Axiom wrote for each criterion: why the answer earned its band, and what to work on next.
Coherence & cohesion
Band 5.0/ 9
The essay presents information in a logical order, but there are issues with cohesion and coherence due to abrupt transitions and lack of clear paragraphing.
Suggestions
- Use linking words to improve flow.
- Organize information into clear paragraphs.
- Provide a concise overview.
Sentence revisions 3
RevisedOverall, the workforce in the farming sector was the smallest compared to others, whereas the sales sector had the highest number of workers.
Revised for clarity and grammatical correctness.
RevisedIn detail, the sales sector saw a slight increase from 158,000 in 2001 to 163,000 in 2008, making it the only sector with more than 80,000 employees.
Improved sentence structure and clarity.
RevisedMoreover, the accounting sector experienced a noticeable decrease, with the workforce declining from around 63,000 to 59,000 employees.
Clarified sentence structure and improved coherence.
Grammar & accuracy
Band 5.0/ 9
There are several grammatical errors and awkward sentence structures that affect readability.
Sentence revisions 3
RevisedOverall, the workforce in the farming sector was the lowest compared to others, while the sales sector employed the highest number of workers.
Corrected grammatical errors and improved structure.
RevisedFurthermore, there were only around 2,000 people interested in the nursing field, resulting in 60,000 staff working in nursing by 2008.
Corrected punctuation and improved sentence flow.
RevisedA similar downward trend was observed in the farming sector, which had around 24,000 employees in 2001 and lost about 4,000 workers by 2008, leaving 20,000 team members.
Improved grammatical accuracy and sentence clarity.
Lexical resource
Band 6.0/ 9
The essay uses a range of vocabulary, but there are inaccuracies and repetitions.
Sentence revisions 3
RevisedOverall, the workforce in the farming sector was the smallest, whereas the sales sector employed the highest number of workers.
Revised for more precise vocabulary.
RevisedIn detail, the sales sector experienced a slight increase from 158,000 in 2001 to 163,000 by 2008.
Replaced 'unnoticeable' with 'slight' for accuracy.
RevisedThe computing field attracted 20,000 more workers over seven years, reaching 80,000 in 2008.
Improved precision and clarity.
Task achievement
Band 6.0/ 9
The essay addresses the task but lacks some detailed comparisons and clear data presentation.
Suggestions
- Include more specific data comparisons.
- Ensure all key features are covered.
Check your own answer on this question
Write your answer and Axiom marks it the same way: a band for each criterion, and revisions for your own sentences. How the Task 1 checker works.
Check an essay free