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Employment in five types of work: IELTS Task 1 answer #33, band 5.5

A student’s answer to this repeated IELTS question, shared without their name and marked by Axiom on the four criteria. Select a highlighted passage to see how it could be revised, and why.

193 words. Marked by Axiom on 14 December 2024. Estimated by AI. It isn’t an official IELTS score.

The bar chart this answer describes

Employment in five types of work (IELTS Task 1 bar chart)2001, 2008 for Sales, Accounting, Computing, Nursing, Farming, in people. Values are approximate, read from the original chart.050,000100,000150,000200,000SalesAccountingComputingNursingFarming
Employment in five types of work (IELTS Task 1 bar chart)2001, 2008 for Sales, Accounting, Computing, Nursing, Farming, in people. Values are approximate, read from the original chart.050,000100,000150,000200,000SalesAccountingComputingNursingFarming
Values in people. Values approximate: read from the original chart, not printed on it.
Show the data
Employment in five types of work (IELTS Task 1 bar chart) (people)
20012008
Sales155,000165,000
Accounting66,00058,000
Computing59,00079,000
Nursing56,00060,000
Farming29,00019,000

Academic Task 1193 words

The bar chart below shows the number of people employed in five types of work on one region of Australia in 2001 and 2008

The bar chart compares the number of people in terms five different jobs they worked in over the years 2001 and 2008.

  1. Coherence & cohesion

    RevisedIt is clear that in both years, the majority of people worked as salespersons, while the fewest were farmers.

    Added commas for clarity and corrected plural forms.

  2. Lexical resource

    RevisedIt is also noticeable that the figures for sales, computing, and nursing showed an upward trend during the period in question.

    Improved word choice and punctuation.

  1. Coherence & cohesion

    RevisedIn detail, in 2001, 150,000 Australians were employed in sales, which was three times higher than any other type of job.

    Improved sentence structure and clarity.

  2. Grammar & accuracy

    RevisedMeanwhile, there were approximately 60,000 accountants, computer professionals, and nurses each, which was only half the number of employees working in agriculture.

    Corrected vocabulary and sentence structure.

Starting with sales, number of workers slightly increased from 165 000 to 175 000 in Australia this,At the same time, 20 000 new computer professionals were hired, making it second most spread job over the country.Finally, farming attracted only 20 000 individuals by 2008.

  1. Coherence & cohesion

    RevisedBy 2008, the figures for three types of professions—sales, computing, and nursing—had increased.

    Corrected grammatical errors and improved clarity.

  2. Lexical resource

    Revised...maintaining its position as the most popular job.

    Replaced 'favourable' with 'popular' for better precision.

  3. Grammar & accuracy

    RevisedWhile the number of accountants decreased and nurses increased, both ended the year with the same total of 55,000 workers.

    Corrected spelling and sentence structure.

Select a highlighted passage to see its suggested revision.

Estimated by AI. It isn’t an official IELTS score.

What Axiom wrote for each criterion: why the answer earned its band, and what to work on next.

Coherence & cohesion

Band 6.0/ 9

The essay generally follows a logical structure, but there are some issues with clarity and flow.

Suggestions

  • Use linking words to improve flow.
  • Clarify comparisons between the two years.
  • Ensure each paragraph focuses on a single idea.

Sentence revisions 3

  • RevisedIt is clear that in both years, the majority of people worked as salespersons, while the fewest were farmers.

    Added commas for clarity and corrected plural forms.

  • RevisedIn detail, in 2001, 150,000 Australians were employed in sales, which was three times higher than any other type of job.

    Improved sentence structure and clarity.

  • RevisedBy 2008, the figures for three types of professions—sales, computing, and nursing—had increased.

    Corrected grammatical errors and improved clarity.

Grammar & accuracy

Band 5.0/ 9

The essay contains several grammatical errors and awkward sentence structures.

Sentence revisions 3

  • RevisedIt is clear that in both years, most people worked as salespersons, while the fewest worked as farmers.

    Corrected subject-verb agreement and sentence structure.

  • RevisedMeanwhile, there were approximately 60,000 accountants, computer professionals, and nurses each, which was only half the number of employees working in agriculture.

    Corrected vocabulary and sentence structure.

  • RevisedWhile the number of accountants decreased and nurses increased, both ended the year with the same total of 55,000 workers.

    Corrected spelling and sentence structure.

Lexical resource

Band 6.0/ 9

The vocabulary is adequate but lacks variety and precision.

Sentence revisions 3

  • RevisedIt is also noticeable that the figures for sales, computing, and nursing showed an upward trend during the period in question.

    Improved word choice and punctuation.

  • Revised...maintaining its position as the most popular job.

    Replaced 'favourable' with 'popular' for better precision.

  • RevisedFinally, farming attracted only 20,000 individuals by 2008.

    Added comma for numerical clarity.

Task achievement

Band 6.0/ 9

The essay addresses the task but lacks some details and precision.

Suggestions

  • Include more specific data points from the chart.
  • Ensure all job categories are discussed equally.

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