Employment in five types of work: IELTS Task 1 answer #32, band 6.0
A student’s answer to this repeated IELTS question, shared without their name and marked by Axiom on the four criteria. Select a highlighted passage to see how it could be revised, and why.
184 words. Marked by Axiom on 14 December 2024. Estimated by AI. It isn’t an official IELTS score.
The bar chart this answer describes
Show the data
| 2001 | 2008 | |
|---|---|---|
| Sales | 155,000 | 165,000 |
| Accounting | 66,000 | 58,000 |
| Computing | 59,000 | 79,000 |
| Nursing | 56,000 | 60,000 |
| Farming | 29,000 | 19,000 |
Academic Task 1184 words
The chart below shows the number of people employed in five types of work on one region of Australia in 2001 and 2008. Summarize the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparison where relevant.
The bar chart compares the number of employed people in five different works on Australia's particular region between 2001 and 2008.
Coherence & cohesion
RevisedOverall, there was an upward trend in sales, computing and nursing, while the reverse was true for accounting and farming.
The phrase 'an general upward trends' is not grammatically correct. It is more accurate to say 'an upward trend'.
Coherence & cohesion
RevisedIt is also worth noting that sales stood out as the most popular job choice, whereas the lowest figure was in farming.
The phrase 'the most popular chosen job' is not grammatically correct. It is more accurate to say 'the most popular job choice'.
Starting with increasing patterns, sales dominated among others in both two years. It accounted for around 150,000 people in 2001, then reached its high peak of staggering 170, 000 in 2008. As for computing and nursing, both had starting points at almost 50,000 in the initial year shown, after which discrepancy between both bkm significant, the figure for the former rising to 80,000 and that for the latter amounting to 60,000.
Starting at 60,000 in 2001, accounting declined to around 57,000 in the final year.
Lexical resource
RevisedIn contrast, a different picture can be observed in the remaining fields.
The phrase 'the different picture' is not clear. It is more accurate to say 'a different picture'.
Grammar & accuracy
RevisedFarming was the least popular job, starting at approximately 22,000 in 2001 and falling by 20,000 by 2008.
The phrase 'this was followed by drop of 20,000 in 2008' is not grammatically correct. The revised sentence is grammatically accurate and more coherent.
Select a highlighted passage to see its suggested revision.
What Axiom wrote for each criterion: why the answer earned its band, and what to work on next.
Coherence & cohesion
Band 6.0/ 9
The essay is logically organized and presents a clear overview. However, there are some issues with the flow of information and the use of cohesive devices.
Suggestions
- Use a variety of cohesive devices to improve the flow of information.
- Ensure that each paragraph has a clear central topic and that all sentences in the paragraph relate to this topic.
Sentence revisions 3
RevisedThe bar chart compares the number of people employed in five different fields in a particular region of Australia between 2001 and 2008.
The term 'works' is not appropriate in this context. It is more accurate to use 'fields' or 'professions'.
RevisedOverall, there was an upward trend in sales, computing and nursing, while the reverse was true for accounting and farming.
The phrase 'an general upward trends' is not grammatically correct. It is more accurate to say 'an upward trend'.
RevisedIt is also worth noting that sales stood out as the most popular job choice, whereas the lowest figure was in farming.
The phrase 'the most popular chosen job' is not grammatically correct. It is more accurate to say 'the most popular job choice'.
Grammar & accuracy
Band 6.0/ 9
The essay makes use of a variety of complex structures, and the majority of sentences are error-free. However, there are a few grammatical errors that need to be addressed.
Sentence revisions 2
RevisedBoth had starting points at almost 50,000 in the initial year, after which there was a significant discrepancy between the two, with the figure for the former rising to 80,000 and the latter increasing to 60,000.
The original sentence is grammatically incorrect. The revised sentence is grammatically accurate and more coherent.
RevisedFarming was the least popular job, starting at approximately 22,000 in 2001 and falling by 20,000 by 2008.
The phrase 'this was followed by drop of 20,000 in 2008' is not grammatically correct. The revised sentence is grammatically accurate and more coherent.
Lexical resource
Band 6.0/ 9
The essay uses a range of vocabulary and there is some evidence of less common and idiomatic language. However, there are a few instances of awkward or incorrect word choice.
Sentence revisions 3
RevisedSales dominated the other fields in both years.
The phrase 'among others' is too vague in this context. It is more appropriate to specify 'the other fields'.
RevisedAfter which, there was a significant discrepancy between the two, with the figure for sales rising to 80,000 and that for nursing amounting to 60,000.
The original sentence is unclear. The revised sentence makes it clear which fields the figures pertain to.
RevisedIn contrast, a different picture can be observed in the remaining fields.
The phrase 'the different picture' is not clear. It is more accurate to say 'a different picture'.
Task achievement
Band 6.0/ 9
The essay provides a clear overview of the information presented in the chart and makes relevant comparisons. However, the essay could be improved by providing more detailed analysis and by making more specific comparisons.
Suggestions
- Provide a more detailed analysis of the information presented in the chart.
- Make more specific comparisons between the data points.
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