Employment in five types of work: IELTS Task 1 answer #31, band 7.0
A student’s answer to this repeated IELTS question, shared without their name and marked by Axiom on the four criteria. Select a highlighted passage to see how it could be revised, and why.
186 words. Marked by Axiom on 30 November 2024. Estimated by AI. It isn’t an official IELTS score.
The bar chart this answer describes
Show the data
| 2001 | 2008 | |
|---|---|---|
| Sales | 155,000 | 165,000 |
| Accounting | 66,000 | 58,000 |
| Computing | 59,000 | 79,000 |
| Nursing | 56,000 | 60,000 |
| Farming | 29,000 | 19,000 |
Academic Task 1186 words
The chart below shows the number of people employed in five types of work in one region of Australia in 2001 and 2008.
The bar graph provides information about the number of people employed in sales, accounting, computing, nursing and farming in Australia between 2001 and 2008.
Overall, the figures for sales, nursing and computing registered an upward trend, the reverse was true for accounting and farming.
Lexical resource
RevisedIt is noteworthy that the sales sector had the highest number of employees, while farming had the lowest.
This revision provides a more natural and accurate way to express the same idea.
Focusing on increases first, despite showing the highest figures in both years, the number of people in sales exhibited a gradually increase of about 150 thousand and reached just over 170 thousand in 2008 . The figure for computing exhibited a dramatic increase of just under 60 thousand and reached just over 80 thousand in 2008.
Lexical resource
RevisedThe number of employees in the nursing sector increased by just under 60 thousand from 2001 to 2008.
This revision provides a more natural and accurate way to express the same idea.
However, accounting and farming bucked the trend: showing the lowest number, the figure for farming declined from just over 40 thousand in 2001 to just under 40 thousand in 2008. The figure for accounting had a decrease of 70 thousand to decreased just under 50 thousand in 2008.
Select a highlighted passage to see its suggested revision.
What Axiom wrote for each criterion: why the answer earned its band, and what to work on next.
Coherence & cohesion
Band 7.0/ 9
The essay is logically organized and presents a clear overview. The information is sequenced in a way that makes it easy to follow the trends. However, there are a few areas where the use of cohesive devices could be improved.
Suggestions
- Use a variety of cohesive devices to make the relationships between ideas clearer.
- Ensure that each paragraph has a clear central topic.
Sentence revisions 3
RevisedThe bar graph provides information about the number of people employed in five different sectors in Australia: sales, accounting, computing, nursing, and farming, between 2001 and 2008.
This revision provides a more detailed and specific introduction to the topic.
RevisedOverall, the figures for sales, nursing, and computing show an upward trend, while the reverse is true for accounting and farming.
This revision provides a clearer contrast between the two sets of figures.
RevisedHowever, accounting and farming bucked the trend. Notably, the figure for accounting declined by 70 thousand, while the figure for farming decreased from just over 40 thousand in 2001 to just under 40 thousand in 2008.
This revision provides a clearer separation of the two ideas and makes the contrast more explicit.
Grammar & accuracy
Band 7.0/ 9
The essay uses a mix of simple and complex sentence forms and there are very few grammatical errors. However, there are a few instances where sentence structure could be improved.
Sentence revisions 3
RevisedThe bar graph provides information about the number of people employed in the fields of sales, accounting, computing, nursing, and farming in Australia, between 2001 and 2008.
This revision provides a more accurate and formal way to express the same idea.
RevisedOverall, the figures for sales, nursing, and computing show an upward trend, while the reverse is true for accounting and farming.
This revision corrects the use of the plural 'figures' in conjunction with a singular 'show' and makes the contrast between the two sets of figures clearer.
RevisedHowever, accounting and farming bucked the trend. The figure for accounting declined by 70 thousand, while the figure for farming decreased from just over 40 thousand in 2001 to just under 40 thousand in 2008.
This revision provides a more accurate and clear way to express the same idea.
Lexical resource
Band 7.0/ 9
The essay uses a good range of vocabulary and there is evidence of less common and idiomatic language. However, there are a few instances where word choice could be improved.
Sentence revisions 3
RevisedIt is noteworthy that the sales sector had the highest number of employees, while farming had the lowest.
This revision provides a more natural and accurate way to express the same idea.
RevisedThe number of employees in the computing sector increased dramatically, by just under 60 thousand, reaching just over 80 thousand in 2008.
This revision provides a more natural and accurate way to express the same idea.
RevisedThe number of employees in the nursing sector increased by just under 60 thousand from 2001 to 2008.
This revision provides a more natural and accurate way to express the same idea.
Task achievement
Band 7.0/ 9
The essay provides a clear overview of the information and presents key features and trends. The information is accurately and appropriately selected and well supported.
Suggestions
- Ensure that all parts of the task are fully addressed and that the information is presented in a fully coherent and logical manner.
Check your own answer on this question
Write your answer and Axiom marks it the same way: a band for each criterion, and revisions for your own sentences. How the Task 1 checker works.
Check an essay free