Employment in five types of work: IELTS Task 1 answer #30, band 5.0
A student’s answer to this repeated IELTS question, shared without their name and marked by Axiom on the four criteria. Select a highlighted passage to see how it could be revised, and why.
142 words. Marked by Axiom on 30 November 2024. Estimated by AI. It isn’t an official IELTS score.
The bar chart this answer describes
Show the data
| 2001 | 2008 | |
|---|---|---|
| Sales | 155,000 | 165,000 |
| Accounting | 66,000 | 58,000 |
| Computing | 59,000 | 79,000 |
| Nursing | 56,000 | 60,000 |
| Farming | 29,000 | 19,000 |
Academic Task 1142 words
The chart below shows the number of people employed in five types of work in one region of Australia in 2001 and 2008.
The bar graph provides information about how many people employed in five types of - Sales, accounting, computing, nursing and farming - works in Australia between 2001 and 2008
Overall, while the figures for sales, nursing and especially computing significantly increased, those for Accounting and farming.
Coherence & cohesion
RevisedIt is worth noting that the changes in the Computing sector were more significant than the others.
The original sentence is grammatically incorrect and does not clearly convey the intended meaning.
The number of people employed computing significantly increased around 60000 to 80000 between 2001 to 2008. The number of people employed nursing increased shortly around 59000 to 60000 between 2001 to 2008.
Grammar & accuracy
RevisedThe number of people employed in the Sales sector increased slightly from around 158000 to 165000 between 2001 and 2008.
The sentence is grammatically incorrect and the use of the preposition 'in' before 'Sales' is necessary.
Coherence & cohesion
RevisedThe number of people employed in the Accounting sector decreased slightly from around 65000 to 59000 between 2001 and 2008.
The sentence is a bit awkward and could be more clearly expressed.
Lexical resource
RevisedThe number of people employed in the Farming sector experienced a slight decrease from around 30000 to 21000 between 2001 and 2008.
The sentence is a bit awkward and the phrase 'a number of people employed farming' should be rephrased for clarity.
Select a highlighted passage to see its suggested revision.
What Axiom wrote for each criterion: why the answer earned its band, and what to work on next.
Coherence & cohesion
Band 5.0/ 9
The essay is logically organized and presents a clear overview of the trends. However, there are some issues with the flow of information and the use of cohesive devices.
Suggestions
- Use a variety of cohesive devices to improve the flow of information.
- Ensure that each paragraph has a clear central topic and that all sentences in the paragraph relate to this topic.
Sentence revisions 3
RevisedThe bar graph provides information about the number of people employed in five different sectors - Sales, Accounting, Computing, Nursing, and Farming - in Australia between 2001 and 2008.
The sentence is a bit confusing and could be more clearly expressed.
RevisedIt is worth noting that the changes in the Computing sector were more significant than the others.
The original sentence is grammatically incorrect and does not clearly convey the intended meaning.
RevisedThe number of people employed in the Accounting sector decreased slightly from around 65000 to 59000 between 2001 and 2008.
The sentence is a bit awkward and could be more clearly expressed.
Grammar & accuracy
Band 5.0/ 9
The essay contains several grammatical errors and there are some issues with the use of punctuation.
Sentence revisions 3
RevisedThe bar graph provides information about how many people were employed in five types of jobs - Sales, Accounting, Computing, Nursing, and Farming - in Australia between 2001 and 2008.
The sentence contains a few grammatical errors and the use of the present tense is not consistent with the past tense of the study period.
RevisedThe number of people employed in Accounting decreased slightly from around 65000 to 59000 between 2001 and 2008.
The sentence is grammatically incorrect and the use of the definite article 'the' before 'Accounting' is necessary.
RevisedThe number of people employed in the Sales sector increased slightly from around 158000 to 165000 between 2001 and 2008.
The sentence is grammatically incorrect and the use of the preposition 'in' before 'Sales' is necessary.
Lexical resource
Band 5.0/ 9
The essay uses a limited range of vocabulary and there are some inaccuracies in the use of word forms and collocations.
Sentence revisions 3
RevisedIt is worth noting that the changes in the Computing sector were more significant than the others.
The sentence is a bit awkward and the word 'change' should be used in the plural form since it refers to multiple sectors.
RevisedThe number of people employed in the Accounting sector decreased slightly from around 65000 to 59000 between 2001 and 2008.
The sentence is a bit awkward and the word 'accounting' should be used in the plural form since it refers to the sector 'Accounting'.
RevisedThe number of people employed in the Farming sector experienced a slight decrease from around 30000 to 21000 between 2001 and 2008.
The sentence is a bit awkward and the phrase 'a number of people employed farming' should be rephrased for clarity.
Task achievement
Band 5.0/ 9
The essay provides an overview of the trends and makes some comparisons. However, the essay could be improved by providing more detailed information and by making more specific comparisons.
Suggestions
- Provide more detailed information about the trends and make more specific comparisons.
- Use a wider range of structures to discuss the data.
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