Employment in five types of work: IELTS Task 1 answer #27, band 5.0
A student’s answer to this repeated IELTS question, shared without their name and marked by Axiom on the four criteria. Select a highlighted passage to see how it could be revised, and why.
170 words. Marked by Axiom on 30 November 2024. Estimated by AI. It isn’t an official IELTS score.
The bar chart this answer describes
Show the data
| 2001 | 2008 | |
|---|---|---|
| Sales | 155,000 | 165,000 |
| Accounting | 66,000 | 58,000 |
| Computing | 59,000 | 79,000 |
| Nursing | 56,000 | 60,000 |
| Farming | 29,000 | 19,000 |
Academic Task 1170 words
The chart below shows the number of people employed in five types of work in one region of Australia in 2001 and 2008.
The bar graph provides information about amount of people worked in five different types of work in Australia from 2001 to 2008
Overall while the figures for a type of work such as sales , computing, and nursing experienced an upward trend the reverse was true true for accounting and farming .
Lexical resource
RevisedNotably, farming had the lowest figure in each year, while sales had the highest.
The sentence is a bit awkward and could be made more clear and precise.
The figures for number of people worked as a seller in Australia showed the increase about 4000 people in 2001 and reached to 162000 people in 2008 . Also the charts for the amount of workers as a computing experienced a upward about 7000 people in 2001 and stood at 79000 in 2008 and also nursing experienced increase about 1000 people in 2008 if we compare with 2001
Coherence & cohesion
RevisedDespite focusing on increases, let us first address the decrease trends.
The sentence is a bit confusing. It's better to state the information in a more straightforward manner.
Grammar & accuracy
RevisedIf we focus on the decreases for the jobs that people worked in Australia, accounting experienced a decline of about 4000 people. Farming also showed a decline of about 6000 people in 2008 compared with 2001.
The sentence is grammatically incorrect and unclear. It has been revised for clarity and accuracy.
Select a highlighted passage to see its suggested revision.
What Axiom wrote for each criterion: why the answer earned its band, and what to work on next.
Coherence & cohesion
Band 5.0/ 9
The essay has a clear overall structure and presents information in a logical order. However, there are some issues with the flow of information and the use of cohesive devices.
Suggestions
- Use a variety of cohesive devices to improve the flow of information.
- Ensure that each paragraph has a clear central topic and that all sentences in the paragraph relate to this topic.
Sentence revisions 2
RevisedDespite focusing on increases, let us first address the decrease trends.
The sentence is a bit confusing. It's better to state the information in a more straightforward manner.
RevisedAdditionally, the number of people employed in computing increased by about 7000 from 2001 to 2008, while the number of nurses employed also increased by approximately 1000 in the same period.
The original sentence is long and confusing. Breaking it up and using more precise language can improve clarity.
Grammar & accuracy
Band 5.0/ 9
The essay makes use of a mix of simple and complex sentence forms, and there is some attempt to use a range of grammatical structures. However, there are several grammatical errors and some sentences are unclear.
Sentence revisions 3
RevisedThe bar graph provides information about the number of people employed in five different types of work in Australia from 2001 to 2008.
The phrase 'amount of people worked' is grammatically incorrect. It should be 'number of people employed'.
RevisedAlso, the charts for the number of workers in computing experienced an increase of about 7000 people in 2001 and reached 79000 in 2008. Nursing also saw an increase of about 1000 people in 2008 compared to 2001.
The sentence is grammatically incorrect and unclear. It has been revised for clarity and accuracy.
RevisedIf we focus on the decreases for the jobs that people worked in Australia, accounting experienced a decline of about 4000 people. Farming also showed a decline of about 6000 people in 2008 compared with 2001.
The sentence is grammatically incorrect and unclear. It has been revised for clarity and accuracy.
Lexical resource
Band 5.0/ 9
The essay uses a range of vocabulary and there is some evidence of an attempt to use less common and/or more complex vocabulary. However, there are some inaccuracies and the use of some words is a bit awkward.
Sentence revisions 3
RevisedThe bar graph provides information about the number of people employed in five different types of work in Australia from 2001 to 2008.
The verb 'worked' should be replaced with 'employed' to be more precise.
RevisedNotably, farming had the lowest figure in each year, while sales had the highest.
The sentence is a bit awkward and could be made more clear and precise.
RevisedIf we focus on the decreases for the jobs for which people worked in Australia, accounting experienced a decline of about 4000 people
The original sentence is unclear. It's important to specify what you are talking about.
Task achievement
Band 6.0/ 9
The essay addresses all parts of the task and presents a clear overview of the main trends, differences or stages. However, the essay could be improved by providing more specific details and by making more precise comparisons.
Suggestions
- Provide more specific details and make more precise comparisons.
- Try to fully explain all parts of the graph, rather than just focusing on the most significant parts.
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