Employment in five types of work: IELTS Task 1 answer #26, band 6.0

A student’s answer to this repeated IELTS question, shared without their name and marked by Axiom on the four criteria. Select a highlighted passage to see how it could be revised, and why.

150 words. Marked by Axiom on 30 November 2024. Estimated by AI. It isn’t an official IELTS score.

The bar chart this answer describes

Values in people. Values approximate: read from the original chart, not printed on it.

Show the data

Employment in five types of work (IELTS Task 1 bar chart) (people)
	2001	2008
Sales	155,000	165,000
Accounting	66,000	58,000
Computing	59,000	79,000
Nursing	56,000	60,000
Farming	29,000	19,000

Academic Task 1150 words

The chart below shows the number of people employed in five types of work in one region of Australia in 2001 and 2008.

The bar chart provides information about how much people employed in five types of work in Australia between 2001 and 2008.

Grammar & accuracy
Close revision note
RevisedThe bar chart provides information about the number of people employed in five types of work in Australia between 2001 and 2008.
Corrected noun phrase for clarity.

Overall, while the figures for Sales ,Nursing and especially computing registered a upward trend ,the reverse was true accounting and farming. Noteworthy is the fact that, Computing showed the highest figures over the seven-year period and Farming had the lowest.

Coherence & cohesion
Close revision note
RevisedOverall, while the figures for Sales, Nursing, and especially Computing registered an upward trend, the opposite was true for Accounting and Farming.
Corrected punctuation and improved clarity.
Lexical resource
Close revision note
RevisedIt is noteworthy that Computing showed the highest figures over the seven-year period, while Farming had the lowest.
Improved sentence structure and word choice.

Focusing on increases first , employment in sales rose significantly from around 140,000 in 2001 to 160,000 in 2008 .Similarly, the number of people employed in Computing increased sharply, from approximately 70,000 to 90,000. Nursing also saw a slightly rise, with employment figures reached from about 60,000 to nearly 70,000 over the same period.

Grammar & accuracy
Close revision note
RevisedComputing employment increased sharply, from approximately 70,000 to 90,000.
Clarified subject of the sentence.
Lexical resource
Close revision note
RevisedNursing also saw a slight rise, with employment figures reaching from about 60,000 to nearly 70,000 over the same period.
Corrected word choice and verb form.

However accounting and farming declined. Employement in accounting dropped roughly from 60,000 in 2001 to just over 40,000 in 2008. Farming saw the steepest decrease, halving from 40,000 in 2001 to about 20,000 by 2008.

Coherence & cohesion
Close revision note
RevisedHowever, Accounting and Farming both experienced declines.
Added a linking word and corrected capitalization.
Lexical resource
Close revision note
RevisedEmployment in Accounting dropped from approximately 60,000 in 2001 to just over 40,000 in 2008.
Corrected spelling and refined word choice.
Grammar & accuracy
Close revision note
RevisedFarming experienced the steepest decrease, halving from 40,000 in 2001 to about 20,000 by 2008.
Improved verb choice for precision.

Select a highlighted passage to see its suggested revision.

Estimated by AI. It isn’t an official IELTS score.

What Axiom wrote for each criterion: why the answer earned its band, and what to work on next.

Coherence & cohesion

Band 6.0/ 9

The essay presents information in a logical order, but there are some issues with paragraphing and linking words.

Suggestions

Use more linking words to enhance flow.
Ensure consistent paragraph structure.
Clarify comparisons between categories.

Sentence revisions 3

RevisedOverall, while the figures for Sales, Nursing, and especially Computing registered an upward trend, the opposite was true for Accounting and Farming.
Corrected punctuation and improved clarity.
RevisedFocusing first on increases, employment in Sales rose significantly from around 140,000 in 2001 to 160,000 in 2008.
Improved sentence flow and punctuation.
RevisedHowever, Accounting and Farming both experienced declines.
Added a linking word and corrected capitalization.

Grammar & accuracy

Band 5.0/ 9

There are noticeable grammatical errors, particularly in verb forms and punctuation.

Sentence revisions 3

RevisedThe bar chart provides information about the number of people employed in five types of work in Australia between 2001 and 2008.
Corrected noun phrase for clarity.
RevisedComputing employment increased sharply, from approximately 70,000 to 90,000.
Clarified subject of the sentence.
RevisedFarming experienced the steepest decrease, halving from 40,000 in 2001 to about 20,000 by 2008.
Improved verb choice for precision.

Lexical resource

Band 6.0/ 9

The vocabulary is adequate but lacks variety. Some word choices are repetitive or incorrect.

Sentence revisions 3

RevisedIt is noteworthy that Computing showed the highest figures over the seven-year period, while Farming had the lowest.
Improved sentence structure and word choice.
RevisedNursing also saw a slight rise, with employment figures reaching from about 60,000 to nearly 70,000 over the same period.
Corrected word choice and verb form.
RevisedEmployment in Accounting dropped from approximately 60,000 in 2001 to just over 40,000 in 2008.
Corrected spelling and refined word choice.

Task achievement

Band 7.0/ 9

The essay addresses the task and includes relevant data, but some details are inaccurately presented.

Suggestions

Ensure data accuracy.
Include more detailed comparisons.

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