Employment in five types of work: IELTS Task 1 answer #20, band 5.0
A student’s answer to this repeated IELTS question, shared without their name and marked by Axiom on the four criteria. Select a highlighted passage to see how it could be revised, and why.
127 words. Marked by Axiom on 30 November 2024. Estimated by AI. It isn’t an official IELTS score.
The bar chart this answer describes
Show the data
| 2001 | 2008 | |
|---|---|---|
| Sales | 155,000 | 165,000 |
| Accounting | 66,000 | 58,000 |
| Computing | 59,000 | 79,000 |
| Nursing | 56,000 | 60,000 |
| Farming | 29,000 | 19,000 |
Academic Task 1127 words
The chart below shows the number of people employed in five types of work in one region of Australia in 2001 and 2008.
in five types of work— sales, accounting, computing, nursing and, farming—in Australia between the years 2001 and 2008.
Lexical resource
RevisedThe bar graph provides information about the number of people employed...
'Humans' is too informal for this context; 'people' is more appropriate.
in both years but accounting showed the lowest.
Coherence & cohesion
RevisedOverall, computing and nursing saw an increase in employment, while sales, accounting, and farming experienced a decline.
The original sentence was contradictory regarding sales trends.
Lexical resource
RevisedIt is noteworthy that sales had the highest figures...
Simplified the sentence structure for clarity.
of about one thousand in 2008.
Coherence & cohesion
RevisedFocusing on decreases first, the number of sales employees dropped significantly, although sales still had the highest employment figures in both years.
Clarified the statement about sales employment.
Lexical resource
RevisedAccounting and farming both had similar figures...
Removed unnecessary punctuation for clarity.
Coherence & cohesion
RevisedConversely, employment in computing and nursing increased, while sales decreased.
Corrected the misunderstanding about sales.
Select a highlighted passage to see its suggested revision.
What Axiom wrote for each criterion: why the answer earned its band, and what to work on next.
Coherence & cohesion
Band 5.0/ 9
The essay lacks clarity and logical flow. Some information is contradictory, and the overall structure is confusing.
Suggestions
- Clarify trends for each job category.
- Ensure logical flow between sentences.
- Avoid contradictory statements.
Sentence revisions 3
RevisedOverall, computing and nursing saw an increase in employment, while sales, accounting, and farming experienced a decline.
The original sentence was contradictory regarding sales trends.
RevisedFocusing on decreases first, the number of sales employees dropped significantly, although sales still had the highest employment figures in both years.
Clarified the statement about sales employment.
RevisedConversely, employment in computing and nursing increased, while sales decreased.
Corrected the misunderstanding about sales.
Grammar & accuracy
Band 5.0/ 9
The essay contains several grammatical errors and awkward sentence structures.
Sentence revisions 3
RevisedAccounting and farming both had similar figures...
Corrected punctuation and sentence structure.
Revised...despite having the highest number of employees in sales, there was a dramatic drop...
Adjusted sentence structure for clarity.
RevisedConversely, employment in computing and nursing increased, while sales decreased.
Corrected grammatical errors and clarified meaning.
Lexical resource
Band 6.0/ 9
The vocabulary is adequate but lacks variety and precision. Some terms are used inappropriately.
Sentence revisions 3
RevisedThe bar graph provides information about the number of people employed...
'Humans' is too informal for this context; 'people' is more appropriate.
RevisedIt is noteworthy that sales had the highest figures...
Simplified the sentence structure for clarity.
RevisedAccounting and farming both had similar figures...
Removed unnecessary punctuation for clarity.
Task achievement
Band 5.0/ 9
The essay does not fully address the task requirements. Some data is misrepresented, and key details are missing.
Suggestions
- Accurately describe trends for each employment category.
- Include specific data points where relevant.
- Ensure descriptions match the data shown in the graph.
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