Employment in five types of work: IELTS Task 1 answer #21, band 6.0
A student’s answer to this repeated IELTS question, shared without their name and marked by Axiom on the four criteria. Select a highlighted passage to see how it could be revised, and why.
163 words. Marked by Axiom on 30 November 2024. Estimated by AI. It isn’t an official IELTS score.
The bar chart this answer describes
Show the data
| 2001 | 2008 | |
|---|---|---|
| Sales | 155,000 | 165,000 |
| Accounting | 66,000 | 58,000 |
| Computing | 59,000 | 79,000 |
| Nursing | 56,000 | 60,000 |
| Farming | 29,000 | 19,000 |
Academic Task 1163 words
The chart below shows the number of people employed in five types of work in one region of Australia in 2001 and 2008.
The bar graph provides information about how many people employed in different type of the work — sales, computing, accounting, nursing and farming — in Australia from 2001 to 2008
Noteworthy is the fact that figure for sales showed the higest that for farming showed the lowest.
Grammar & accuracy
RevisedOverall, the figures for sales, nursing, and especially computing showed an upward trend, while the reverse was true for accounting and farming.
The revision corrects the structure of the list and the use of the preposition.
Focusing on increases first, the number of people employed in sales show increase just under the 160.000 in 2001 and that followed increase just over 160.000 in 2008. While figures for computing and nursing was nearly 60.000 in 2001 and reach to just 80.000 and exactly 60.000 in 2008 respectively.
The number of employees for accounting was 70.000 in 2001 and this decrease under 60.000 in 2008, as well as for farming experienced gradual decrease.
Coherence & cohesion
RevisedHowever, accounting and farming experienced a decrease.
The revision provides a clearer and more precise description of the trend.
Lexical resource
RevisedThe number was 30,000 in 2001 and it reduced to just under 20,000 in 2008.
The revision provides a more natural and fluent sentence structure and corrects the use of numbers.
Select a highlighted passage to see its suggested revision.
What Axiom wrote for each criterion: why the answer earned its band, and what to work on next.
Coherence & cohesion
Band 6.0/ 9
The essay is logically organized and presents a clear overview. However, there are some issues with the flow of information and the use of cohesive devices.
Suggestions
- Use a variety of cohesive devices to improve the flow of information.
- Ensure that each paragraph has a clear central topic and that all sentences in the paragraph relate to this topic.
Sentence revisions 3
RevisedThe bar graph provides information about the number of people employed in different types of work, such as sales, computing, accounting, nursing, and farming, in Australia from 2001 to 2008.
The revision provides a more natural and fluent sentence structure.
RevisedOverall, the figures for sales, nursing, and especially computing showed an upward trend, while the reverse was true for accounting and farming.
The revision provides a more natural and fluent sentence structure and clarifies the contrast between the two groups.
RevisedHowever, accounting and farming experienced a decrease.
The revision provides a clearer and more precise description of the trend.
Grammar & accuracy
Band 6.0/ 9
The essay uses a mix of simple and complex sentence forms, and the majority of sentences are grammatically correct. However, there are some errors in the use of articles, prepositions, and verb forms that could be improved.
Sentence revisions 3
RevisedThe bar graph provides information about how many people were employed in different types of work — sales, computing, accounting, nursing, and farming — in Australia from 2001 to 2008.
The revision corrects the verb form to match the tense of the sentence.
RevisedOverall, the figures for sales, nursing, and especially computing showed an upward trend, while the reverse was true for accounting and farming.
The revision corrects the structure of the list and the use of the preposition.
RevisedThe number of people employed in sales showed an increase just under 160,000 in 2001 and followed this increase just over 160,000 in 2008.
The revision corrects the verb form and the use of numbers.
Lexical resource
Band 6.0/ 9
The essay uses a range of vocabulary and there is some evidence of an attempt to use more complex language. However, there are some inaccuracies and awkward phrases that could be improved.
Sentence revisions 3
RevisedIt is noteworthy that the figure for sales was the highest, while the figure for farming was the lowest.
The revision provides a more natural and fluent sentence structure and corrects the word order.
RevisedFocusing on the increases first, the number of people employed in sales showed an increase just under 160,000 in 2001 and followed an increase just over 160,000 in 2008.
The revision provides a more natural and fluent sentence structure and corrects the use of numbers.
RevisedThe number was 30,000 in 2001 and it reduced to just under 20,000 in 2008.
The revision provides a more natural and fluent sentence structure and corrects the use of numbers.
Task achievement
Band 6.0/ 9
The essay provides a clear overview of the information presented in the graph and makes some relevant comparisons. However, the essay could be improved by providing more detailed explanations and by making more specific comparisons.
Suggestions
- Include more specific data to support your comparisons.
- Provide a more detailed analysis of the trends and patterns in the data.
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