Employment in five types of work: IELTS Task 1 answer #22, band 6.0
A student’s answer to this repeated IELTS question, shared without their name and marked by Axiom on the four criteria. Select a highlighted passage to see how it could be revised, and why.
164 words. Marked by Axiom on 30 November 2024. Estimated by AI. It isn’t an official IELTS score.
The bar chart this answer describes
Show the data
| 2001 | 2008 | |
|---|---|---|
| Sales | 155,000 | 165,000 |
| Accounting | 66,000 | 58,000 |
| Computing | 59,000 | 79,000 |
| Nursing | 56,000 | 60,000 |
| Farming | 29,000 | 19,000 |
Academic Task 1164 words
The chart below shows the number of people employed in five types of work in one region of Australia in 2001 and 2008.
The bar chat shows how many people employed in five types of work- Sales, Accounting, Computing, Nursing and Farming in 2001 and 2008.
Coherence & cohesion
RevisedOverall, the figures for Sales, Nursing, and Computing show an upward trend, while the reverse is true for Accounting and Farming.
The sentence is revised to improve the clarity and formality of the sentence.
Coherence & cohesion
RevisedIt is noteworthy that Computing showed the highest employment figures over the years, while Accounting had the lowest.
The sentence is revised to improve the clarity and formality of the sentence.
, the figure for Sales went from 150.000 in 2001 to about 165.000 in 2008. The Computing workers went from 60.000 in 2001 to about 80.000 in 2008. The Nursing workers went from 58.000 to about 60.000 in 2001 and 2008.
Lexical resource
RevisedHowever, there was a significant increase in the employment figures for Sales, Computing, and Nursing, bucking the trend and showing the highest increases.
The sentence is revised to improve the clarity and formality of the sentence.
Farming workers decrease went from 25.000 to about 19.000 in 2001 and 2008.
Lexical resource
RevisedFocusing on the decreases, despite starting with the lowest figures in 2001 and 2008, the employment figures for accounting went from 65,000 to about 59,000.
The sentence is revised to improve the clarity and formality of the sentence.
Select a highlighted passage to see its suggested revision.
What Axiom wrote for each criterion: why the answer earned its band, and what to work on next.
Coherence & cohesion
Band 6.0/ 9
The essay is logically organized and presents a clear overview. However, there are some issues with the flow of information and the use of cohesive devices.
Suggestions
- Use a variety of cohesive devices to improve the flow of information.
- Ensure that each paragraph has a clear central topic and that all sentences in the paragraph relate to this topic.
Sentence revisions 3
RevisedThe bar chart shows the number of people employed in five different types of work - Sales, Accounting, Computing, Nursing, and Farming - in 2001 and 2008.
The sentence is revised to correct the spelling error ('chat' to 'chart') and to improve the clarity and formality of the sentence.
RevisedOverall, the figures for Sales, Nursing, and Computing show an upward trend, while the reverse is true for Accounting and Farming.
The sentence is revised to improve the clarity and formality of the sentence.
RevisedIt is noteworthy that Computing showed the highest employment figures over the years, while Accounting had the lowest.
The sentence is revised to improve the clarity and formality of the sentence.
Grammar & accuracy
Band 6.0/ 9
The essay uses a mix of simple and complex sentence forms and there are only minor errors. However, there are a few instances of awkward or incorrect sentence structure.
Sentence revisions 1
RevisedThe bar chart shows how many people were employed in five types of work - Sales, Accounting, Computing, Nursing, and Farming - in 2001 and 2008.
The sentence is revised to correct the verb tense ('employed' to 'were employed') and to improve the clarity and formality of the sentence.
Lexical resource
Band 6.0/ 9
The essay uses a range of vocabulary and there is some evidence of less common and idiomatic language. However, there are a few instances of awkward or incorrect word choice.
Sentence revisions 2
RevisedHowever, there was a significant increase in the employment figures for Sales, Computing, and Nursing, bucking the trend and showing the highest increases.
The sentence is revised to improve the clarity and formality of the sentence.
RevisedFocusing on the decreases, despite starting with the lowest figures in 2001 and 2008, the employment figures for accounting went from 65,000 to about 59,000.
The sentence is revised to improve the clarity and formality of the sentence.
Task achievement
Band 6.0/ 9
The essay provides a clear overview of the information presented in the chart and makes some relevant comparisons. However, the essay could be improved by providing more detailed analysis and by making more specific comparisons.
Suggestions
- Provide a more detailed analysis of the information presented in the chart.
- Make more specific comparisons and try to explain the reasons for the trends observed.
Check your own answer on this question
Write your answer and Axiom marks it the same way: a band for each criterion, and revisions for your own sentences. How the Task 1 checker works.
Check an essay free