Employment in five types of work: IELTS Task 1 answer #23, band 6.0
A student’s answer to this repeated IELTS question, shared without their name and marked by Axiom on the four criteria. Select a highlighted passage to see how it could be revised, and why.
154 words. Marked by Axiom on 30 November 2024. Estimated by AI. It isn’t an official IELTS score.
The bar chart this answer describes
Show the data
| 2001 | 2008 | |
|---|---|---|
| Sales | 155,000 | 165,000 |
| Accounting | 66,000 | 58,000 |
| Computing | 59,000 | 79,000 |
| Nursing | 56,000 | 60,000 |
| Farming | 29,000 | 19,000 |
Academic Task 1154 words
The chart below shows the number of people employed in five types of work in one region of Australia in 2001 and 2008.
The bar graph provides information about how many people who was employed in five types of work —sales , accounting, computing,nursing and ferming — between 2001 and 2008.
Overall, while the figures for sales , nursing and especially computing registered an upward trend, the reverse was true for accounting and ferming. Noteworthy is the fact that computing showed the highest figures in five types of work while ferming had the lowest.
In addition, the figures for accounting stood at about 65000 in 2001 but this was followed by a slight decrease to 40000 in 2008.
Lexical resource
RevisedFocusing on the professions that saw decreases first, despite showing the highest figures, the number of people employed in farming saw a drastic decline of about 10,000.
The sentence is somewhat unclear and the word 'fermig' is a spelling error. The sentence can be revised for clarity and proper spelling.
The number of people sales saw a slight increase of about 5000 and reached 160000. The figures for nursing and especially computing a dractic increse.
Lexical resource
RevisedHowever, the figures for sales, nursing, and especially computing, bucked the trend.
The sentence is slightly awkward and the professions should be separated with commas for better clarity and cohesion.
Select a highlighted passage to see its suggested revision.
What Axiom wrote for each criterion: why the answer earned its band, and what to work on next.
Coherence & cohesion
Band 6.0/ 9
The essay is logically organized and presents a clear overview of the main trends. However, there are some issues with the flow of information and the use of cohesive devices.
Suggestions
- Use a variety of cohesive devices to improve the flow of information.
- Consider reorganizing the information to create a more logical and coherent argument.
Sentence revisions 3
RevisedThe bar graph provides information about the number of people employed in five different professions - sales, accounting, computing, nursing, and farming - between 2001 and 2008.
The sentence is slightly awkward and can be revised for clarity and cohesion.
RevisedThe figures for sales, nursing, and computing bucked the trend.
The professions should be separated with commas for better clarity and cohesion.
RevisedThe figures for nursing, and especially computing, showed a dramatic increase.
The sentence is incomplete and the word 'dractic' is a spelling error. The sentence should be revised for clarity and proper spelling.
Grammar & accuracy
Band 6.0/ 9
The essay uses a mix of simple and complex sentence forms, and the majority of sentences are grammatically correct. However, there are some errors in subject-verb agreement and tense consistency that could be addressed.
Sentence revisions 2
RevisedThe bar graph provides information about the number of people employed in five different professions - sales, accounting, computing, nursing, and farming - between 2001 and 2008.
The phrase 'who was employed' should agree with the plural subject 'people'. The correct verb form to use is 'were employed'.
RevisedHowever, the figures for sales, nursing, and especially computing, bucked the trend.
The sentence is missing a comma after 'sales' for proper punctuation. The professions should be separated with commas for better clarity and cohesion.
Lexical resource
Band 6.0/ 9
The essay uses a range of vocabulary and there is some evidence of less common and idiomatic language. However, there are some spelling errors and awkward phrases that could be improved.
Sentence revisions 3
RevisedThe bar graph provides information about the number of people employed in five different professions - sales, accounting, computing, nursing, and farming - between 2001 and 2008.
The sentence is slightly awkward and the word 'fermig' is a spelling error. The sentence can be revised for clarity and proper spelling.
RevisedHowever, the figures for sales, nursing, and especially computing, bucked the trend.
The sentence is slightly awkward and the professions should be separated with commas for better clarity and cohesion.
RevisedFocusing on the professions that saw decreases first, despite showing the highest figures, the number of people employed in farming saw a drastic decline of about 10,000.
The sentence is somewhat unclear and the word 'fermig' is a spelling error. The sentence can be revised for clarity and proper spelling.
Task achievement
Band 6.0/ 9
The essay provides a clear overview of the main trends and presents specific details to support the overview. However, the essay could be improved by providing more specific data and by making sure that all information is accurately reported.
Suggestions
- Provide more specific data to support your main points.
- Make sure that all information is accurately reported. There are several instances in the essay where the data is not accurately reported or the terminology is not used correctly.
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