Employment in five types of work: IELTS Task 1 answer #19, band 6.0
A student’s answer to this repeated IELTS question, shared without their name and marked by Axiom on the four criteria. Select a highlighted passage to see how it could be revised, and why.
127 words. Marked by Axiom on 30 November 2024. Estimated by AI. It isn’t an official IELTS score.
The bar chart this answer describes
Show the data
| 2001 | 2008 | |
|---|---|---|
| Sales | 155,000 | 165,000 |
| Accounting | 66,000 | 58,000 |
| Computing | 59,000 | 79,000 |
| Nursing | 56,000 | 60,000 |
| Farming | 29,000 | 19,000 |
Academic Task 1127 words
The chart below shows the number of people employed in five types of work in one region of Australia in 2001 and 2008.
The bar graph shows information about the number of people employed in five types of work in 2001 and 2008.
Overall, while figures for accounting and farming experience a downward trend, the reverse was true for sales, computing and nursing.
Coherence & cohesion
RevisedSales figures were the highest, while farming figures were the lowest.
This revision provides a clearer and more formal expression of the ideas.
Secondly, the figures for computing increased sharply about 59000 to 79000 between 2001 and 2008 , and nursing shows one of the increased number about 49000 to 50000 between 2001 and 2008 in Australia .
Coherence & cohesion
RevisedFirstly, although the number of sales people increased from 155000 to 165000, the figures for sales saw a decline by 10000.
This revision clarifies the sentence and improves the use of cohesive devices.
Coherence & cohesion
RevisedAccounting decreased slightly from 70000 to 59000, and farming decreased by about 30000 from 30000 to 19000 between 2001 and 2008.
This revision provides a clearer and more formal expression of the ideas.
Select a highlighted passage to see its suggested revision.
What Axiom wrote for each criterion: why the answer earned its band, and what to work on next.
Coherence & cohesion
Band 6.0/ 9
The essay is logically organized and presents a clear overview. However, there are some issues with the flow of information and the use of cohesive devices.
Suggestions
- Use a variety of cohesive devices to improve the flow of information.
- Ensure that each paragraph has a clear central topic and that all sentences in the paragraph relate to this topic.
Sentence revisions 3
RevisedSales figures were the highest, while farming figures were the lowest.
This revision provides a clearer and more formal expression of the ideas.
RevisedFirstly, although the number of sales people increased from 155000 to 165000, the figures for sales saw a decline by 10000.
This revision clarifies the sentence and improves the use of cohesive devices.
RevisedAccounting decreased slightly from 70000 to 59000, and farming decreased by about 30000 from 30000 to 19000 between 2001 and 2008.
This revision provides a clearer and more formal expression of the ideas.
Grammar & accuracy
Band 6.0/ 9
The essay uses a mix of simple and complex sentence forms, and the majority of sentences are free from grammatical errors. However, there are some grammatical errors and the use of grammar could be improved.
Sentence revisions 3
RevisedSales figures were the highest, while farming figures were the lowest.
This revision corrects the grammatical error and provides a more accurate expression of the ideas.
RevisedFirstly, although the number of sales people increased from 155000 to 165000, the figures for sales saw a decline by 10000.
This revision corrects the grammatical error and provides a more accurate expression of the ideas.
RevisedAccounting decreased slightly from 70000 to 59000, and farming decreased by about 30000 from 30000 to 19000 between 2001 and 2008.
This revision corrects the grammatical error and provides a more accurate expression of the ideas.
Lexical resource
Band 6.0/ 9
The essay uses a range of vocabulary and there is some evidence of less common and idiomatic language. However, there are some inaccuracies and the use of vocabulary could be more varied.
Sentence revisions 3
RevisedSales figures were the highest, while farming figures were the lowest.
This revision provides a more accurate and formal expression of the ideas.
RevisedFirstly, although the number of sales people increased from 155000 to 165000, the figures for sales saw a decline by 10000.
This revision provides a more accurate expression of the ideas.
RevisedAccounting decreased slightly from 70000 to 59000, and farming decreased by about 30000 from 30000 to 19000 between 2001 and 2008.
This revision provides a more accurate expression of the ideas.
Task achievement
Band 6.0/ 9
The essay addresses all parts of the task and presents a clear overview of the main trends, differences or stages. However, the essay could be improved by providing more specific details and by avoiding the use of symbols such as $.
Suggestions
- Provide more specific details to support your main points.
- Avoid the use of symbols such as $ and use the actual numbers instead.
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