Employment in five types of work: IELTS Task 1 answer #18, band 5.5
A student’s answer to this repeated IELTS question, shared without their name and marked by Axiom on the four criteria. Select a highlighted passage to see how it could be revised, and why.
154 words. Marked by Axiom on 30 November 2024. Estimated by AI. It isn’t an official IELTS score.
The bar chart this answer describes
Show the data
| 2001 | 2008 | |
|---|---|---|
| Sales | 155,000 | 165,000 |
| Accounting | 66,000 | 58,000 |
| Computing | 59,000 | 79,000 |
| Nursing | 56,000 | 60,000 |
| Farming | 29,000 | 19,000 |
Academic Task 1154 words
The chart below shows the number of people employed in five types of work in one region of Australia in 2001 and 2008.
The bar graph provides information about how many people who was employed in five types of work —sales , accounting, computing,nursing and ferming — between 2001 and 2008.
Overall, while the figures for sales , nursing and especially computing registered an upward trend, the reverse was true for accounting and ferming. Noteworthy is the fact that computing showed the highest figures in five types of work and ferming had the lowest.
In addition, the figures for accounting stood at about 65000 in 2001 but this was followed by a slight decrease to 40000 in 2008.
Lexical resource
RevisedStarting with the professions that experienced a decline, despite having the highest figures, the number of people employed in farming saw a drastic decrease, around 10,000.
The revision corrects the word choice ("decrease" instead of "dractic increse") and the grammatical error ("who was employed ferming" is corrected to "who were employed in farming").
The number of people sales saw a slight increase of about 5000 and reached 160000. The figures for nursing and especially computing a dractic increse.
Lexical resource
RevisedHowever, the figures for sales, nursing, and especially computing followed a different trend.
The revision provides a more accurate and formal expression.
Select a highlighted passage to see its suggested revision.
What Axiom wrote for each criterion: why the answer earned its band, and what to work on next.
Coherence & cohesion
Band 5.0/ 9
The essay is logically organized and presents a clear overview. However, there are some issues with the flow of information and the use of cohesive devices.
Suggestions
- Use a variety of cohesive devices to improve the flow of information.
- Ensure that each paragraph has a clear central topic and that all sentences in the paragraph relate to this topic.
Sentence revisions 3
RevisedThe bar graph provides information about the number of people employed in five different professions - sales, accounting, computing, nursing, and farming - between 2001 and 2008.
The revision corrects the grammatical error and improves the clarity of the sentence.
RevisedThe figures for sales, nursing, and especially computing defied the trend.
The revision provides a more accurate and formal expression.
RevisedThe figures for nursing and especially computing show a dramatic increase.
The revision corrects the spelling error and the awkward phrasing of the original sentence.
Grammar & accuracy
Band 5.0/ 9
The essay uses a mix of simple and complex sentence forms, and there is some evidence of a range of grammatical structures. However, there are several grammatical errors that can cause some difficulty for the reader.
Sentence revisions 2
Revised$The bar graph provides information about how many people were employed in five types of work —sales, accounting, computing, nursing, and farming—between 2001 and 2008.
The revision corrects the verb tense ("who was employed" is corrected to "were employed") and the spelling of "farming."
RevisedThe figures for sales, nursing, and especially computing bucked the trend.
The revision corrects the pluralization error ("figure" to "figures") and the awkward phrasing of the original sentence.
Lexical resource
Band 6.0/ 9
The essay uses a range of vocabulary and there is some evidence of an attempt to use less common and idiomatic language. However, there are some inaccuracies and informal expressions that should be avoided.
Sentence revisions 2
RevisedStarting with the professions that experienced a decline, despite having the highest figures, the number of people employed in farming saw a drastic decrease, around 10,000.
The revision corrects the word choice ("decrease" instead of "dractic increse") and the grammatical error ("who was employed ferming" is corrected to "who were employed in farming").
RevisedHowever, the figures for sales, nursing, and especially computing followed a different trend.
The revision provides a more accurate and formal expression.
Task achievement
Band 6.0/ 9
The essay addresses the task and provides a clear overview of the information presented in the graph. The essay also makes some comparisons and identifies some trends. However, the essay could be improved by providing more detailed information and by making more specific comparisons.
Suggestions
- Provide more detailed information and make more specific comparisons.
- Use a wider range of structures to discuss the data.
Check your own answer on this question
Write your answer and Axiom marks it the same way: a band for each criterion, and revisions for your own sentences. How the Task 1 checker works.
Check an essay free