Employment in five types of work: IELTS Task 1 answer #17, band 6.0
A student’s answer to this repeated IELTS question, shared without their name and marked by Axiom on the four criteria. Select a highlighted passage to see how it could be revised, and why.
153 words. Marked by Axiom on 30 November 2024. Estimated by AI. It isn’t an official IELTS score.
The bar chart this answer describes
Show the data
| 2001 | 2008 | |
|---|---|---|
| Sales | 155,000 | 165,000 |
| Accounting | 66,000 | 58,000 |
| Computing | 59,000 | 79,000 |
| Nursing | 56,000 | 60,000 |
| Farming | 29,000 | 19,000 |
Academic Task 1153 words
The chart below shows the number of people employed in five types of work in one region of Australia in 2001 and 2008.
The bar graph provides information about how many people were employed in five types of work-sales, accounting, computing, nursing, farming- between 2001 and 2008 in Australia.
Coherence & cohesion
RevisedOverall, while the figures for sales, computing, and nursing increased slightly, accounting and farming decreased significantly from 2001 to 2008.
Combining sentences for better flow.
Coherence & cohesion
RevisedIt is noteworthy that sales showed the highest figures each year, while farming had the lowest.
Improving sentence structure for clarity.
Focusing on decreases first, accounting showed slight decrease of about 60 thousand and reached just under 60 thousand in between 2001 and 2008. Farming stood at about 40 thousand and decreased to about 20 thousand from 2001 to 2008.
The number of employees of computing increased from about 60 thousand to about 80 thousand from 2001 to 2008.
Coherence & cohesion
RevisedSales, computing, and nursing bucked the trend, showing slight increases. For instance, sales figures rose from about 160 thousand in 2001 to about 170 thousand in 2008.
Clarifying and improving sentence structure.
Select a highlighted passage to see its suggested revision.
What Axiom wrote for each criterion: why the answer earned its band, and what to work on next.
Coherence & cohesion
Band 6.0/ 9
The essay presents information in a logical order but lacks smooth transitions between ideas.
Suggestions
- Use more linking words to connect ideas.
- Avoid using 'but' at the beginning of sentences.
- Ensure each paragraph focuses on a single idea.
Sentence revisions 3
RevisedOverall, while the figures for sales, computing, and nursing increased slightly, accounting and farming decreased significantly from 2001 to 2008.
Combining sentences for better flow.
RevisedIt is noteworthy that sales showed the highest figures each year, while farming had the lowest.
Improving sentence structure for clarity.
RevisedSales, computing, and nursing bucked the trend, showing slight increases. For instance, sales figures rose from about 160 thousand in 2001 to about 170 thousand in 2008.
Clarifying and improving sentence structure.
Grammar & accuracy
Band 6.0/ 9
The essay demonstrates a basic range of grammatical structures with some errors.
Sentence revisions 3
RevisedOverall, while the figures for sales, computing, and nursing increased slightly, accounting and farming decreased significantly from 2001 to 2008.
Correcting sentence fragment by combining sentences.
RevisedFarming was at about 40 thousand and decreased to approximately 20 thousand from 2001 to 2008.
Using past tense consistently.
RevisedSales, computing, and nursing bucked the trend, with sales figures rising from about 160 thousand in 2001 to approximately 170 thousand in 2008.
Correcting grammatical errors and improving sentence structure.
Lexical resource
Band 6.0/ 9
The essay uses a range of vocabulary, but some word choices are awkward or repetitive.
Sentence revisions 3
RevisedIt is notable that sales had the highest figures each year, whereas farming had the lowest.
Replacing 'noteworthy is the fact that' with 'it is notable' for conciseness.
RevisedFarming started at about 40 thousand and decreased to approximately 20 thousand from 2001 to 2008.
Using 'started' and 'approximately' for variety and precision.
RevisedSales, computing, and nursing bucked the trend, with sales figures rising from about 160 thousand in 2001 to approximately 170 thousand in 2008.
Improving vocabulary and sentence structure.
Task achievement
Band 7.0/ 9
The essay addresses the task and summarizes the main trends accurately but lacks detailed analysis.
Suggestions
- Provide more detailed comparisons between the categories.
- Include more specific figures for all categories.
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