Employment in five types of work: IELTS Task 1 answer #35, band 6.0
A student’s answer to this repeated IELTS question, shared without their name and marked by Axiom on the four criteria. Select a highlighted passage to see how it could be revised, and why.
166 words. Marked by Axiom on 15 December 2024. Estimated by AI. It isn’t an official IELTS score.
The bar chart this answer describes
Show the data
| 2001 | 2008 | |
|---|---|---|
| Sales | 155,000 | 165,000 |
| Accounting | 66,000 | 58,000 |
| Computing | 59,000 | 79,000 |
| Nursing | 56,000 | 60,000 |
| Farming | 29,000 | 19,000 |
Academic Task 1166 words
The chart below shows the number of people employed in five types of work on one region of Australia in 2001 and 2008
Lexical resource
RevisedThe chart illustrates the employment figures for five different job sectors in a region of Australia during the years 2001 and 2008.
Improved lexical choice and precision.
Coherence & cohesion
RevisedOverall, the farming sector had the lowest number of employees, whereas the sales sector employed the highest number.
Clarified the comparison for better coherence.
The computing field attracted 20.000 more workers over seven years, reaching 80.000 in 2008.
Coherence & cohesion
RevisedIn detail, the sales sector experienced a slight increase from 158,000 in 2001 to 163,000 by 2008. Notably, it was the only sector with a significant increase of more than 80,000 employees.
Separated ideas for improved clarity and coherence.
Lexical resource
RevisedFurthermore, there were only about 2,000 people interested in the nursing field, resulting in a total of 60,000 staff by 2008.
Corrected numerical expression and improved clarity.
Coherence & cohesion
RevisedMoreover, the accounting sector saw a noticeable decrease, with the number of employees dropping from around 63,000 to approximately 59,000.
Improved sentence structure and clarity.
Lexical resource
RevisedA similar downward trend was observed in the farming sector, which had approximately 24,000 employees in 2001 and lost about 4,000 workers by 2008, leaving 20,000 employees.
Corrected numerical expression and improved word choice.
Select a highlighted passage to see its suggested revision.
What Axiom wrote for each criterion: why the answer earned its band, and what to work on next.
Coherence & cohesion
Band 6.0/ 9
The essay generally follows a logical structure with a clear introduction, body, and conclusion. However, there are some issues with the flow and connection between ideas.
Suggestions
- Use more linking words to improve the flow between sentences.
- Ensure each paragraph focuses on a single idea or comparison.
- Clarify the comparison between different sectors.
Sentence revisions 3
RevisedOverall, the farming sector had the lowest number of employees, whereas the sales sector employed the highest number.
Clarified the comparison for better coherence.
RevisedIn detail, the sales sector experienced a slight increase from 158,000 in 2001 to 163,000 by 2008. Notably, it was the only sector with a significant increase of more than 80,000 employees.
Separated ideas for improved clarity and coherence.
RevisedMoreover, the accounting sector saw a noticeable decrease, with the number of employees dropping from around 63,000 to approximately 59,000.
Improved sentence structure and clarity.
Grammar & accuracy
Band 6.0/ 9
The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of grammatical structures, but there are errors in punctuation and sentence structure.
Sentence revisions 3
RevisedThe chart illustrates the number of people employed in five different types of work in a region of Australia during the years 2001 and 2008.
Corrected preposition usage and sentence structure.
RevisedIn detail, the sales sector experienced a slight increase from 158,000 in 2001 to 163,000 by 2008; however, this sector was the only one with an increase of more than 80,000 employees.
Corrected punctuation and sentence structure.
RevisedMoreover, the accounting sector had a noticeable decrease, with around 63,000 employees declining to approximately 59,000.
Corrected article usage and sentence structure.
Lexical resource
Band 6.0/ 9
The vocabulary used is appropriate but lacks variety. Some phrases are repetitive, and there are minor errors in word choice.
Sentence revisions 3
RevisedThe chart illustrates the employment figures for five different job sectors in a region of Australia during the years 2001 and 2008.
Improved lexical choice and precision.
RevisedFurthermore, there were only about 2,000 people interested in the nursing field, resulting in a total of 60,000 staff by 2008.
Corrected numerical expression and improved clarity.
RevisedA similar downward trend was observed in the farming sector, which had approximately 24,000 employees in 2001 and lost about 4,000 workers by 2008, leaving 20,000 employees.
Corrected numerical expression and improved word choice.
Task achievement
Band 7.0/ 9
The essay addresses the task requirements by summarizing the main features and providing comparisons. However, some details are misrepresented or unclear.
Suggestions
- Ensure accurate representation of data from the chart.
- Clarify comparisons between different sectors.
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