Employment in five types of work: IELTS Task 1 answer #36, band 6.5
A student’s answer to this repeated IELTS question, shared without their name and marked by Axiom on the four criteria. Select a highlighted passage to see how it could be revised, and why.
154 words. Marked by Axiom on 15 December 2024. Estimated by AI. It isn’t an official IELTS score.
The bar chart this answer describes
Show the data
| 2001 | 2008 | |
|---|---|---|
| Sales | 155,000 | 165,000 |
| Accounting | 66,000 | 58,000 |
| Computing | 59,000 | 79,000 |
| Nursing | 56,000 | 60,000 |
| Farming | 29,000 | 19,000 |
Academic Task 1154 words
The chart below shows the number of people employed in five types of work on one region of Australia in 2001 and 2008.
The diagram compares the number of people employed in five works(sales, accounting, computing, nursing, and farming) in one region of Australia in 2001 and 2008.
Farming remained static and Computing, accounting, and nursing were at almost the same level in 2001.
Coherence & cohesion
RevisedOverall, it is clear that more people were employed in the field of sales in both 2001 and 2008 compared to other fields, with sales dominating the entire period.
The original sentence is a bit misleading. It is not clear that it is the number of people employed in sales that is being referred to.
Observing the table in more detail, the population employed was 160,000 in 2008 and roughly 52,000 in 2001 at sales. In 2001 and 2008, it was responsible for 60,000 and 58,000, respectively.
Lexical resource
RevisedIn the case of Accounting, there was a marginal drop over the seven year period.
The original sentence is not clear. It would be more precise to refer to a 'seven year period'.
In contrast to the last job, Nursing remained stable between 2001 and 2008 at 60.000.
Coherence & cohesion
RevisedIn the case of Computing, the number of people employed rose from 60,000 to 80,000 from 2001 to 2008, experiencing strong and steady growth over the entire period.
The revised sentence provides a clearer and more detailed explanation.
Select a highlighted passage to see its suggested revision.
What Axiom wrote for each criterion: why the answer earned its band, and what to work on next.
Coherence & cohesion
Band 6.0/ 9
The essay is logically organized and presents a clear overview. However, there are some issues with the flow of information and the use of cohesive devices.
Suggestions
- Use a variety of cohesive devices to improve the flow of information.
- Ensure that each paragraph has a clear central topic and that all sentences in the paragraph relate to this topic.
Sentence revisions 3
RevisedThe diagram compares the number of people employed in five different fields (sales, accounting, computing, nursing, and farming) in one region of Australia in 2001 and 2008.
The sentence is a bit confusing, and the use of 'works' is not correct. It would be clearer to use 'fields'.
RevisedOverall, it is clear that more people were employed in the field of sales in both 2001 and 2008 compared to other fields, with sales dominating the entire period.
The original sentence is a bit misleading. It is not clear that it is the number of people employed in sales that is being referred to.
RevisedIn the case of Computing, the number of people employed rose from 60,000 to 80,000 from 2001 to 2008, experiencing strong and steady growth over the entire period.
The revised sentence provides a clearer and more detailed explanation.
Grammar & accuracy
Band 7.0/ 9
The essay uses a mix of simple and complex sentence forms and there are very few grammatical errors. However, there are a few instances of awkward or incorrect sentence structure.
Sentence revisions 1
RevisedThe diagram compares the number of people employed in five different fields (sales, accounting, computing, nursing, and farming) in one region of Australia in 2001 and 2008.
The sentence is a bit awkward and the use of 'works' is not correct. It would be clearer to use 'fields'.
Lexical resource
Band 7.0/ 9
The essay uses a good range of vocabulary and there is evidence of less common and idiomatic language. However, there are a few instances of awkward or incorrect word choice.
Sentence revisions 3
RevisedThe diagram compares the number of people employed in five different professions (sales, accounting, computing, nursing, and farming) in one region of Australia in 2001 and 2008.
The word 'works' is not appropriate in this context. 'Professions' would be a more suitable choice.
RevisedIn the case of Accounting, there was a marginal drop over the seven year period.
The original sentence is not clear. It would be more precise to refer to a 'seven year period'.
RevisedIn the case of Computing, the number of people employed rose from 60,000 to 80,000 from 2001 to 2008, and the sector has experienced steady growth over the entire period.
The revised sentence provides a clearer and more detailed explanation.
Task achievement
Band 7.0/ 9
The essay addresses all parts of the task and presents a clear overview of the main trends, differences or stages. The essay also provides specific details and examples to support the main points.
Suggestions
- Make sure to accurately interpret the data and provide a clear and detailed analysis.
- Consider comparing and contrasting the data more systematically to provide a clearer and more comprehensive analysis.
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