Employment in five types of work: IELTS Task 1 answer #37, band 8.0
A student’s answer to this repeated IELTS question, shared without their name and marked by Axiom on the four criteria. Select a highlighted passage to see how it could be revised, and why.
196 words. Marked by Axiom on 16 December 2024. Estimated by AI. It isn’t an official IELTS score.
The bar chart this answer describes
Show the data
| 2001 | 2008 | |
|---|---|---|
| Sales | 155,000 | 165,000 |
| Accounting | 66,000 | 58,000 |
| Computing | 59,000 | 79,000 |
| Nursing | 56,000 | 60,000 |
| Farming | 29,000 | 19,000 |
Academic Task 1196 words
The chart below shows the number of people employed in five types of work on one region of Australia in 2001 and 2008.
The bar chart shows the figure for people working in five different types of jobs in one region of Australia in the years of 2001 and 2008. Notably,
Coherence & cohesion
RevisedOverall, there was an increase in people employed in sales, computing, and nursing over the years, while a decrease was seen in accounting and farming.
This revision provides a different sentence structure, which can help to improve the variety and coherence of the writing.
Lexical resource
RevisedSales consistently outperformed other occupations, with higher figures in both years.
The revision provides a more dynamic and precise way to express the same idea, using more specific vocabulary to describe the comparison.
Starting at about 156000 in 2001, the number of people employed in sale rose negligibly to just above 160000 in 2008. Notably, the highest growth was observed in the figure of people working in computing, rising from 55000 to 75000 between 2001 and 2008. Similarly, the number of people working in nursing witnessed a slight growth from 54000 to 58000 in 2008.
Coherence & cohesion
RevisedThere was an increase in the number of employees in sales, computing, and nursing sectors.
This revision provides an alternative way to express the same idea, improving the variety of sentence structures.
Accounting and farming, on the other hand, bucked the trend. The figure for people working in accounting declined minimally, from roughly 65000 to 57000 in the years of 2001 and 2008. It is worth mentioning that, farming which was the least common type of work throughout the period experienced a slight decline from about 23000 to 19000 in 2008.
Select a highlighted passage to see its suggested revision.
What Axiom wrote for each criterion: why the answer earned its band, and what to work on next.
Coherence & cohesion
Band 8.0/ 9
The essay is logically organized and presents a clear overview of the main trends. The information is sequenced in a way that makes the comparison between the different job types and time periods easy to follow. The use of cohesive devices is effective, with appropriate use of referencing and linking words that help to connect ideas and sentences.
Suggestions
- Consider using a wider range of linking words and phrases to further improve the flow of your writing.
Sentence revisions 3
RevisedThere was an increase in the number of employees in sales, computing, and nursing sectors.
This revision provides an alternative way to express the same idea, improving the variety of sentence structures.
RevisedNotably, the sector with the highest growth was computing.
This revision simplifies the sentence and makes it more direct, which can improve clarity and coherence.
RevisedOverall, there was an increase in people employed in sales, computing, and nursing over the years, while a decrease was seen in accounting and farming.
This revision provides a different sentence structure, which can help to improve the variety and coherence of the writing.
Grammar & accuracy
Band 8.0/ 9
The essay demonstrates a good command of grammar and sentence structure. The writer uses a variety of sentence types effectively, with a high level of grammatical accuracy. There are a few minor errors, but these do not significantly detract from the overall clarity or readability of the essay.
Sentence revisions 3
RevisedThere was an increase in the number of employees in sales, computing, and nursing sectors.
This revision provides an alternative sentence structure, which can help to improve the sentence's complexity and range.
RevisedNotably, the sector with the highest growth was computing.
This revision simplifies the sentence and provides a more direct and clear way to express the same idea.
RevisedIt is worth noting that farming, which was the least common type of work throughout the period, experienced a slight decline.
The revision corrects the punctuation and provides a more natural way to express the same idea, improving the sentence's complexity and range.
Lexical resource
Band 8.0/ 9
The essay demonstrates a good range of vocabulary, with appropriate use of academic and job-specific terms. The writer uses a variety of words and phrases to describe trends and make comparisons. There are a few minor errors and awkward phrasings, but these do not significantly detract from the overall clarity or effectiveness of the writing.
Sentence revisions 3
RevisedSales consistently outperformed other occupations, with higher figures in both years.
The revision provides a more dynamic and precise way to express the same idea, using more specific vocabulary to describe the comparison.
RevisedThere was a minimal decline in the number of people working in accounting.
This revision provides a more natural and concise way to express the same idea, improving the clarity and precision of the language.
RevisedIt is worth noting that farming, which was the least common type of work throughout the period, experienced a slight decline.
The revision corrects the punctuation and provides a more natural way to express the same idea, improving the accuracy and fluency of the language.
Task achievement
Band 8.0/ 9
The essay provides a detailed and accurate description of the information presented in the chart. The writer identifies the main trends and makes relevant comparisons between the different job types and time periods. The essay is well-organized and the information is sequenced in a logical and coherent manner. The writer's focus on the key features of the data is clear and effective.
Suggestions
- Ensure that all parts of the prompt are fully addressed and that the writing is as detailed and specific as possible. This will help to further enhance the quality of the writing and the overall task response.
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