Employment in five types of work: IELTS Task 1 answer #45, band 8.0
A student’s answer to this repeated IELTS question, shared without their name and marked by Axiom on the four criteria. Select a highlighted passage to see how it could be revised, and why.
199 words. Marked by Axiom on 19 December 2024. Estimated by AI. It isn’t an official IELTS score.
The bar chart this answer describes
Show the data
| 2001 | 2008 | |
|---|---|---|
| Sales | 155,000 | 165,000 |
| Accounting | 66,000 | 58,000 |
| Computing | 59,000 | 79,000 |
| Nursing | 56,000 | 60,000 |
| Farming | 29,000 | 19,000 |
Academic Task 1199 words
The chart below shows the number of people employed in 5 types of work on one region of Australia in 2001 and 2008
The bar chart illustrates the number of people employed in five sectors—Sales, Accounting, Computing, Nursing, and Farming—in a region of Australia in 2001 and 2008.
Over the period, employment in Computing and Nursing experienced significant growth, whereas the number of workers in Accounting and Farming declined slightly.
Coherence & cohesion
RevisedOverall, in both years, the sales sector employed the highest number of people, while farming accounted for the smallest workforce.
This revision helps to improve the flow and coherence of the sentence.
Computing, which initially employed around 60,000 workers in 2001, saw substantial growth, reaching 80,000 by 2008, making it the second-largest sector that year.
Coherence & cohesion
RevisedIn 2001, approximately 155,000 people were employed in the Sales sector, which made it the dominant sector.
The revision provides a more explicit connection between the subject and the verb, improving the clarity and coherence of the sentence.
Lexical resource
RevisedThis figure slightly increased to 160,000 in 2008.
The word 'slightly' is a more precise term to describe a small increase.
Grammar & accuracy
RevisedSimilarly, the number of people employed in Nursing rose significantly from 55,000 to 65,000, equaling the number of Accounting professionals in 2008.
The revision clarifies the subject and improves the sentence structure.
Farming saw the sharpest decrease, with employment dropping from 30,000 in 2001 to 20,000 in 2008, making it the smallest sector across both years.
Coherence & cohesion
RevisedOn the other hand, Accounting, with about 65,000 employees in 2001, experienced a slight decline to 60,000 in 2008.
This revision simplifies the sentence and improves its coherence.
Grammar & accuracy
RevisedIn summary, Sales remained the largest sector throughout the period, while Farming saw a marked decline, and Computing and Nursing significantly increased their workforce.
The revision provides a more accurate and clear summary of the trends.
Select a highlighted passage to see its suggested revision.
What Axiom wrote for each criterion: why the answer earned its band, and what to work on next.
Coherence & cohesion
Band 8.0/ 9
The essay is logically organized and ideas are connected well. The use of cohesive devices is effective, and the progression of the essay is smooth.
Suggestions
- Consider using a wider range of linking words or phrases to show more variety.
Sentence revisions 3
RevisedOverall, in both years, the sales sector employed the highest number of people, while farming accounted for the smallest workforce.
This revision helps to improve the flow and coherence of the sentence.
RevisedIn 2001, approximately 155,000 people were employed in the Sales sector, which made it the dominant sector.
The revision provides a more explicit connection between the subject and the verb, improving the clarity and coherence of the sentence.
RevisedOn the other hand, Accounting, with about 65,000 employees in 2001, experienced a slight decline to 60,000 in 2008.
This revision simplifies the sentence and improves its coherence.
Grammar & accuracy
Band 8.0/ 9
The essay uses a wide range of structures and there are few grammatical errors. Those that do occur do not impede communication.
Sentence revisions 2
RevisedSimilarly, the number of people employed in Nursing rose significantly from 55,000 to 65,000, equaling the number of Accounting professionals in 2008.
The revision clarifies the subject and improves the sentence structure.
RevisedIn summary, Sales remained the largest sector throughout the period, while Farming saw a marked decline, and Computing and Nursing significantly increased their workforce.
The revision provides a more accurate and clear summary of the trends.
Lexical resource
Band 8.0/ 9
The essay uses a wide range of vocabulary and there is evidence of less common and idiomatic language. The vocabulary is used appropriately with only occasional inaccuracies.
Sentence revisions 3
RevisedThis figure slightly increased to 160,000 in 2008.
The word 'slightly' is a more precise term to describe a small increase.
RevisedComputing, which initially had around 60,000 workers in 2001, experienced significant growth, reaching 80,000 by 2008.
The term 'experienced significant growth' is a more precise and descriptive way to express the idea.
RevisedFarming experienced the sharpest decrease, with employment dropping from 30,000 in 2001 to 20,000 in 2008.
The term 'experienced the sharpest decrease' is a more precise and descriptive way to express the idea.
Task achievement
Band 8.0/ 9
The essay addresses all parts of the task and presents a clear overview of the main trends, differences or stages. The information is accurately and appropriately selected and well supported.
Suggestions
- Make sure to accurately report and not to make up any data.
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