Employment in five types of work: IELTS Task 1 answer #46, band 7.5
A student’s answer to this repeated IELTS question, shared without their name and marked by Axiom on the four criteria. Select a highlighted passage to see how it could be revised, and why.
164 words. Marked by Axiom on 26 December 2024. Estimated by AI. It isn’t an official IELTS score.
The bar chart this answer describes
Show the data
| 2001 | 2008 | |
|---|---|---|
| Sales | 155,000 | 165,000 |
| Accounting | 66,000 | 58,000 |
| Computing | 59,000 | 79,000 |
| Nursing | 56,000 | 60,000 |
| Farming | 29,000 | 19,000 |
Academic Task 1164 words
The chart below shows the number of people employed in five types of work on one region of Australia in 2001 and 2008.
The bar chart shows the number of people employed in five different jobs, namely sales, accounting, computing, nursing, and farming, in a certain Australian region between 2001 and 2008.
Coherence & cohesion
RevisedOverall, the number of employees in three categories (sales, computing, and nursing) increased, whereas accounting and farming saw a decline.
Improved sentence structure for better clarity.
Lexical resource
RevisedAdditionally, sales were the most popular field, while farming was the least favored.
Varied vocabulary for better expression.
Both computing and nursing had been employed by the same amount of people( approximately 55,000) in the initial year and underwent a slight growth to about 80,000 and 60,000, respectively, at the end of the span.
Coherence & cohesion
RevisedIn terms of increased figures, sales had around 158,000 workers in 2001, growing to over 160,000 by 2008.
Slight rephrasing for smoother flow.
Accounting stood at 63,000 workers in 2001, which saw a slight decrease of 5,000 in 2008.
Coherence & cohesion
RevisedConversely, the remaining categories showed a decline.
Improved cohesion by using a clearer contrasting phrase.
Grammar & accuracy
RevisedOnly about 23,000 people worked in the farming industry in 2001, and this figure declined to just under 20,000 by 2008.
Added a comma for correct punctuation.
Select a highlighted passage to see its suggested revision.
What Axiom wrote for each criterion: why the answer earned its band, and what to work on next.
Coherence & cohesion
Band 7.0/ 9
The essay is logically organized with clear paragraphing. Transitions between sentences and ideas are mostly smooth, though some parts could be more cohesive.
Suggestions
- Use more linking words to enhance flow.
- Ensure consistent use of tense.
- Clarify comparison points for better understanding.
Sentence revisions 3
RevisedOverall, the number of employees in three categories (sales, computing, and nursing) increased, whereas accounting and farming saw a decline.
Improved sentence structure for better clarity.
RevisedIn terms of increased figures, sales had around 158,000 workers in 2001, growing to over 160,000 by 2008.
Slight rephrasing for smoother flow.
RevisedConversely, the remaining categories showed a decline.
Improved cohesion by using a clearer contrasting phrase.
Grammar & accuracy
Band 8.0/ 9
The essay demonstrates a good range of grammatical structures with minor errors.
Sentence revisions 3
RevisedOverall, the number of employees in three categories (sales, computing, and nursing) increased, while the opposite occurred for accounting and farming.
Improved parallel structure.
RevisedLooking closely at the figures, sales had around 158,000 workers in 2001, which grew to over 160,000 in 2008.
Removed unnecessary word for grammatical precision.
RevisedOnly about 23,000 people worked in the farming industry in 2001, and this figure declined to just under 20,000 by 2008.
Added a comma for correct punctuation.
Lexical resource
Band 7.0/ 9
The essay uses a good range of vocabulary appropriate for the task. However, some phrases could be more precise or varied.
Sentence revisions 3
RevisedAdditionally, sales were the most popular field, while farming was the least favored.
Varied vocabulary for better expression.
RevisedBoth computing and nursing employed approximately 55,000 people in the initial year.
Simplified expression for clarity.
RevisedThe remaining categories experienced a decline in the number of employees.
Used more precise vocabulary to describe the trend.
Task achievement
Band 8.0/ 9
The essay successfully addresses the task, providing a clear overview and supporting details from the chart.
Suggestions
- Ensure all data points are accurately reflected from the chart.
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