Employment in five types of work: IELTS Task 1 answer #47, band 7.5
A student’s answer to this repeated IELTS question, shared without their name and marked by Axiom on the four criteria. Select a highlighted passage to see how it could be revised, and why.
209 words. Marked by Axiom on 4 January 2025. Estimated by AI. It isn’t an official IELTS score.
The bar chart this answer describes
Show the data
| 2001 | 2008 | |
|---|---|---|
| Sales | 155,000 | 165,000 |
| Accounting | 66,000 | 58,000 |
| Computing | 59,000 | 79,000 |
| Nursing | 56,000 | 60,000 |
| Farming | 29,000 | 19,000 |
Academic Task 1209 words
The chart below shows the number of people employed in five types of work on one region of Australia in 2001 and 2008.
The bar chart illustrates how many people were employed in five different work sectors, namely sales, accounting, computing, nursing, and farming in Australia between 2001 and 2008.
Overall, out of these five working fields, sales stand out as the most popular occupation among Australians in both years, employing considerably more people than other given employment sectors.
Coherence & cohesion
RevisedIn contrast, farming was the least common field, trailing behind accounting, computing, and nursing.
Rephrasing for clarity and coherence.
Computing experienced a similar increasing trend, from employing around 55,000 people in 2001 to approximately 80,000 by the second given year. In contrast, the employment growth rate in nursing was not as significant as in computing, rising from 50,000 to just under 60,000 within this timeframe.
Coherence & cohesion
RevisedIn 2001, just under 160,000 people were working in sales in Australia. This number then rose to slightly over 160,000 by 2008, consistently making it the most preferred type of work throughout the period.
Splitting the sentence improves readability and coherence.
In 2001, accounting employed about 60,000 individuals, which then declined just below its initial figure in 2008. Similarly, farming, which recruited the fewest number, also recorded a drop from just above 20,000 to slightly under the same figure over the period.
Coherence & cohesion
RevisedConversely, accounting and farming showed a downward trend, which could be attributed to the employment growth in the sectors mentioned above.
Clarifies the cause-and-effect relationship for better coherence.
Select a highlighted passage to see its suggested revision.
What Axiom wrote for each criterion: why the answer earned its band, and what to work on next.
Coherence & cohesion
Band 7.0/ 9
The essay is logically organized with clear paragraphing. There is a clear overall summary and the details are presented in a logical order.
Suggestions
- Ensure all comparisons are clearly linked to maintain coherence.
- Add more transitional phrases for smoother flow.
Sentence revisions 3
RevisedIn 2001, just under 160,000 people were working in sales in Australia. This number then rose to slightly over 160,000 by 2008, consistently making it the most preferred type of work throughout the period.
Splitting the sentence improves readability and coherence.
RevisedConversely, accounting and farming showed a downward trend, which could be attributed to the employment growth in the sectors mentioned above.
Clarifies the cause-and-effect relationship for better coherence.
RevisedIn contrast, farming was the least common field, trailing behind accounting, computing, and nursing.
Rephrasing for clarity and coherence.
Grammar & accuracy
Band 8.0/ 9
The essay demonstrates a good range of grammatical structures with frequent error-free sentences.
Sentence revisions 3
RevisedThis number then rose to slightly over 160,000 by 2008, making it the most preferred type of work throughout the period.
The sentence was a fragment; adding a subject ('This number') corrects it.
RevisedFarming, which employed the fewest people, also recorded a drop from just above 20,000 to slightly under the same figure over the period.
'Employed' is more appropriate than 'recruited' in this context.
RevisedThe employment growth rate in nursing was not as significant as that in computing, rising from 50,000 to just under 60,000 within this timeframe.
Added 'that' for grammatical correctness.
Lexical resource
Band 7.0/ 9
The essay uses a range of vocabulary with some flexibility and precision. There are occasional inaccuracies.
Sentence revisions 3
RevisedThe least common field was farming, which lagged behind accounting, computing, and nursing.
'Lagged behind' is a more precise expression.
RevisedComputing showed a similar upward trend.
'Upward trend' is a more precise term than 'increasing trend.'
RevisedConversely, accounting and farming exhibited a downward trend due to the employment growth in the aforementioned sectors.
'Exhibited' is a more formal choice than 'showed.'
Task achievement
Band 8.0/ 9
The essay effectively addresses the task, providing an overview and supporting details from the chart.
Suggestions
- Include more specific data points to strengthen the analysis.
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