Employment in five types of work: IELTS Task 1 answer #49, band 8.0
A student’s answer to this repeated IELTS question, shared without their name and marked by Axiom on the four criteria. Select a highlighted passage to see how it could be revised, and why.
179 words. Marked by Axiom on 12 January 2025. Estimated by AI. It isn’t an official IELTS score.
The bar chart this answer describes
Show the data
| 2001 | 2008 | |
|---|---|---|
| Sales | 155,000 | 165,000 |
| Accounting | 66,000 | 58,000 |
| Computing | 59,000 | 79,000 |
| Nursing | 56,000 | 60,000 |
| Farming | 29,000 | 19,000 |
Academic Task 1179 words
The chart below shows the number of people employed in five types of work on one region of Australia in 2001 and 2008.
Lexical resource
RevisedThe bar chart compares five employment sectors concerning the number of people employed in an Australian region in two separate years: 2001 and 2008.
Replaced 'in terms of how many people were employed' with 'concerning the number of people employed' for conciseness.
Coherence & cohesion
RevisedIn general, sales consistently emerged as the dominant employment sector across both years, while farming accounted for the smallest portion of the workforce.
Added a comma for better readability.
Coherence & cohesion
RevisedNotably, there were increases in employment figures for sales, computing, and nursing, while accounting and farming experienced declines over the given period.
Replaced 'whereas' with 'while' for consistency in parallel structure.
Grammar & accuracy
RevisedIn 2001, the sales sector employed approximately 160,000 people, which made it the most significant area of work.
Added 'which' to clarify the cause-effect relationship.
Lexical resource
RevisedThis figure increased marginally to around 170,000 in 2008, reinforcing its dominance.
Replaced 'rose slightly' with 'increased marginally' for more precise expression.
Grammar & accuracy
RevisedSimilarly, the computing and nursing sectors showed notable growth, with computing increasing from roughly 50,000 to 80,000, and nursing rising steadily from about 90,000 to over 100,000.
Added a comma for better separation of clauses.
Accounting also saw a modest drop in employment numbers, falling from around 70,000 in 2001 to approximately 60,000 in 2008.
Coherence & cohesion
RevisedIn contrast, farming experienced the most substantial decline, with its workforce shrinking from 30,000 in 2001 to just over 10,000 in 2008, making it the smallest sector by the end of the period.
Replaced 'By contrast' with 'In contrast' for improved clarity.
Select a highlighted passage to see its suggested revision.
What Axiom wrote for each criterion: why the answer earned its band, and what to work on next.
Coherence & cohesion
Band 8.0/ 9
The essay is well-organized with a clear introduction and logical progression of ideas. Each paragraph focuses on different aspects of the data, maintaining a coherent structure.
Suggestions
- Ensure each paragraph has a clear topic sentence.
- Use more varied linking words to enhance cohesion.
Sentence revisions 3
RevisedIn general, sales consistently emerged as the dominant employment sector across both years, while farming accounted for the smallest portion of the workforce.
Added a comma for better readability.
RevisedIn contrast, farming experienced the most substantial decline, with its workforce shrinking from 30,000 in 2001 to just over 10,000 in 2008, making it the smallest sector by the end of the period.
Replaced 'By contrast' with 'In contrast' for improved clarity.
RevisedNotably, there were increases in employment figures for sales, computing, and nursing, while accounting and farming experienced declines over the given period.
Replaced 'whereas' with 'while' for consistency in parallel structure.
Grammar & accuracy
Band 9.0/ 9
The essay demonstrates a high level of grammatical accuracy and variety. Complex structures are used effectively.
Sentence revisions 3
RevisedIn 2001, the sales sector employed approximately 160,000 people, which made it the most significant area of work.
Added 'which' to clarify the cause-effect relationship.
RevisedSimilarly, the computing and nursing sectors showed notable growth, with computing increasing from roughly 50,000 to 80,000, and nursing rising steadily from about 90,000 to over 100,000.
Added a comma for better separation of clauses.
RevisedIn contrast, farming experienced the most substantial decline, with its workforce shrinking from 30,000 in 2001 to just over 10,000 in 2008, making it the smallest sector by the end of the period.
Corrected 'By contrast' to 'In contrast' for grammatical accuracy.
Lexical resource
Band 8.0/ 9
The essay uses a range of vocabulary accurately and appropriately. There is some effective use of less common vocabulary.
Sentence revisions 3
RevisedSignificantly, there were increases in employment figures for sales, computing, and nursing, while accounting and farming experienced declines over the given period.
Replaced 'Notably' with 'Significantly' to vary vocabulary.
RevisedThis figure increased marginally to around 170,000 in 2008, reinforcing its dominance.
Replaced 'rose slightly' with 'increased marginally' for more precise expression.
RevisedThe bar chart compares five employment sectors concerning the number of people employed in an Australian region in two separate years: 2001 and 2008.
Replaced 'in terms of how many people were employed' with 'concerning the number of people employed' for conciseness.
Task achievement
Band 8.0/ 9
The essay successfully addresses all parts of the task, providing a clear overview and supporting details.
Suggestions
- Include more detailed comparisons between sectors to enhance analysis.
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