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Employment in five types of work: IELTS Task 1 answer #50, band 6.0

A student’s answer to this repeated IELTS question, shared without their name and marked by Axiom on the four criteria. Select a highlighted passage to see how it could be revised, and why.

216 words. Marked by Axiom on 23 January 2025. Estimated by AI. It isn’t an official IELTS score.

The bar chart this answer describes

Employment in five types of work (IELTS Task 1 bar chart)2001, 2008 for Sales, Accounting, Computing, Nursing, Farming, in people. Values are approximate, read from the original chart.050,000100,000150,000200,000SalesAccountingComputingNursingFarming
Employment in five types of work (IELTS Task 1 bar chart)2001, 2008 for Sales, Accounting, Computing, Nursing, Farming, in people. Values are approximate, read from the original chart.050,000100,000150,000200,000SalesAccountingComputingNursingFarming
Values in people. Values approximate: read from the original chart, not printed on it.
Show the data
Employment in five types of work (IELTS Task 1 bar chart) (people)
20012008
Sales155,000165,000
Accounting66,00058,000
Computing59,00079,000
Nursing56,00060,000
Farming29,00019,000

Academic Task 1216 words

: The chart below shows the number of people employed in five types of work on one region of Australia in 2001 and 2008.

  1. Coherence & cohesion

    RevisedThe bar chart illustrates the number of individuals employed in five different job sectors in 2001 and 2008.

    Simplified the sentence and used 'illustrates' for variety.

  1. Coherence & cohesion

    RevisedOverall, employment in sales, computing, and nursing increased, whereas accounting and farming saw declines.

    Condensed the sentence for clarity and coherence.

Initially it was about 155000 people , after it was approximately 165000 . Additionally, individuals who have worked in computing dramatically went up from approximately 55000 almost to 80000 while the number of people who have worked as nurses increased slightly. At the beginning, it was 45000 and at the end 55000.

  1. Grammar & accuracy

    RevisedFocusing on larger numbers first, the figures for those in sales, computing, and nursing showed an upward trend.

    Corrected the verb agreement and simplified the sentence.

  2. Lexical resource

    RevisedThe number of individuals employed in sales experienced a slight rise.

    Used 'experienced' and 'rise' for variety.

Accounting became less popular among people over the years. Approximately 65000 people were employed in 2001 , but in 2008 it was accounted for roughly 58000 . People who have worked in farming , however, were roughly 22000 in 2001 , but in 2008 it was about 18000.

  1. Coherence & cohesion

    RevisedIn contrast, the number of people employed in accounting and farming decreased.

    Corrected the job types and simplified the sentence.

Select a highlighted passage to see its suggested revision.

Estimated by AI. It isn’t an official IELTS score.

What Axiom wrote for each criterion: why the answer earned its band, and what to work on next.

Coherence & cohesion

Band 6.0/ 9

The essay presents information in a logical order, but some transitions between ideas could be smoother. Some repetition of sentence structures is present.

Suggestions

  • Use more varied linking words to connect ideas.
  • Avoid repetitive sentence structures.
  • Ensure each paragraph clearly links to the next.

Sentence revisions 3

  • RevisedThe bar chart illustrates the number of individuals employed in five different job sectors in 2001 and 2008.

    Simplified the sentence and used 'illustrates' for variety.

  • RevisedOverall, employment in sales, computing, and nursing increased, whereas accounting and farming saw declines.

    Condensed the sentence for clarity and coherence.

  • RevisedIn contrast, the number of people employed in accounting and farming decreased.

    Corrected the job types and simplified the sentence.

Grammar & accuracy

Band 6.0/ 9

The essay demonstrates a good range of grammatical structures, but there are occasional errors in verb tense and agreement.

Sentence revisions 3

  • RevisedFocusing on larger numbers first, the figures for those in sales, computing, and nursing showed an upward trend.

    Corrected the verb agreement and simplified the sentence.

  • RevisedThe number of people employed in sales showed a slight increase.

    Removed unnecessary 'are' for correct tense usage.

  • RevisedIn contrast, the number of people employed in accounting and farming witnessed a downward trend.

    Corrected the job types and verb tense.

Lexical resource

Band 6.0/ 9

The essay uses a range of vocabulary, but some word choices are repetitive. There is an attempt to use less common vocabulary.

Sentence revisions 3

  • RevisedThe number of individuals employed in sales experienced a slight rise.

    Used 'experienced' and 'rise' for variety.

  • RevisedAdditionally, the number of individuals in computing surged from around 55,000 to nearly 80,000.

    Replaced 'dramatically went up' with 'surged' for more precise vocabulary.

  • Revised...but by 2008, it had decreased to roughly 58,000.

    Used 'decreased' for clarity and precision.

Task achievement

Band 7.0/ 9

The essay addresses the task effectively, providing a clear overview and supporting details. However, some inaccuracies in data interpretation need correction.

Suggestions

  • Ensure accurate data interpretation from the chart.
  • Provide more specific examples from the chart to support claims.

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