Employment in five types of work: IELTS Task 1 answer #51, band 6.0
A student’s answer to this repeated IELTS question, shared without their name and marked by Axiom on the four criteria. Select a highlighted passage to see how it could be revised, and why.
181 words. Marked by Axiom on 30 January 2025. Estimated by AI. It isn’t an official IELTS score.
The bar chart this answer describes
Show the data
| 2001 | 2008 | |
|---|---|---|
| Sales | 155,000 | 165,000 |
| Accounting | 66,000 | 58,000 |
| Computing | 59,000 | 79,000 |
| Nursing | 56,000 | 60,000 |
| Farming | 29,000 | 19,000 |
Academic Task 1181 words
The chart below shows the number of people employed in five types of work on one region of Australia in 2001 and 2008
The chart gives us information about the number of workers in five different fields on one region of Australia in 2001 and 2008.
Grammar & accuracy
RevisedOverall, the sales field was the largest sector in 2001 and 2008, while the number of workers in the farming sector was the lowest in both years.
The revised sentence is more precise and uses a more appropriate comparative structure.
Coherence & cohesion
RevisedIn 2008, the number of workers in the sales field was slightly higher than in 2001, with figures of around 165,000 and 155,000 respectively.
The revised sentence is more concise and uses a more appropriate preposition.
Coherence & cohesion
RevisedAdditionally, the number of accounting workers in 2001 was around 65,000, which was slightly higher than the 2008 figure of about 60,000.
The revised sentence is more concise and uses a more appropriate comparative structure.
After that, there was a little difference in the nursing field in 2001 and 2008, with around 60,000 and approximately 65,000 people in turn. However, the field of farming showed the lowest number of people working there in 2001, it was about 35,000, which was higher than the number of farmers in 2008 by 15,000 workers.
Coherence & cohesion
RevisedIn 2008, there were about 80,000 people working in computing, a significant increase from the 2001 figure of about 60,000.
The revised sentence is more concise and uses a more appropriate comparative structure.
Select a highlighted passage to see its suggested revision.
What Axiom wrote for each criterion: why the answer earned its band, and what to work on next.
Coherence & cohesion
Band 6.0/ 9
The essay is logically organized and presents a clear overview. However, there are some issues with the flow of information and the use of cohesive devices.
Suggestions
- Use a variety of cohesive devices to improve the flow of information.
- Ensure that each paragraph has a clear central topic and that all sentences in the paragraph relate to this topic.
Sentence revisions 3
RevisedIn 2008, the number of workers in the sales field was slightly higher than in 2001, with figures of around 165,000 and 155,000 respectively.
The revised sentence is more concise and uses a more appropriate preposition.
RevisedAdditionally, the number of accounting workers in 2001 was around 65,000, which was slightly higher than the 2008 figure of about 60,000.
The revised sentence is more concise and uses a more appropriate comparative structure.
RevisedIn 2008, there were about 80,000 people working in computing, a significant increase from the 2001 figure of about 60,000.
The revised sentence is more concise and uses a more appropriate comparative structure.
Grammar & accuracy
Band 6.0/ 9
The essay uses a mix of simple and complex sentence forms, and the majority of sentences are error-free. However, there are a few minor errors.
Sentence revisions 3
RevisedThe chart provides information about the number of workers in five different fields in one region of Australia in 2001 and 2008.
The dollar sign at the beginning of the sentence is a typographical error. The revised sentence is more formal and appropriate for an academic context.
RevisedOverall, the sales field was the largest sector in 2001 and 2008, while the number of workers in the farming sector was the lowest in both years.
The revised sentence is more precise and uses a more appropriate comparative structure.
RevisedAdditionally, the number of accounting workers in 2001 was around 65,000, which was slightly higher than the 2008 figure of about 60,000.
The revised sentence is more precise and uses a more appropriate comparative structure.
Lexical resource
Band 6.0/ 9
The essay uses a range of vocabulary and there is some evidence of less common and idiomatic language. However, there are a few instances of awkward or incorrect word choice.
Sentence revisions 3
RevisedRegarding the number of workers in the sales field, the 2008 figures were slightly higher than those for 2001.
The revised sentence is more natural and uses more precise language.
RevisedSubsequently, the nursing field showed only a slight difference between the 2001 and 2008 figures.
The revised sentence is more natural and uses more precise language.
RevisedHowever, farming had the fewest workers in both 2001 and 2008.
The revised sentence is more natural and uses a more precise comparative structure.
Task achievement
Band 7.0/ 9
The essay addresses all parts of the task and presents a clear overview of the information. The essay also makes some comparisons where relevant. However, the essay could be improved by providing more detailed analysis and by making more specific comparisons.
Suggestions
- Provide more detailed analysis of the information presented in the chart.
- Make more specific comparisons between the different sectors and years.
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