Employment in five types of work: IELTS Task 1 answer #44, band 6.0
A student’s answer to this repeated IELTS question, shared without their name and marked by Axiom on the four criteria. Select a highlighted passage to see how it could be revised, and why.
212 words. Marked by Axiom on 19 December 2024. Estimated by AI. It isn’t an official IELTS score.
The bar chart this answer describes
Show the data
| 2001 | 2008 | |
|---|---|---|
| Sales | 155,000 | 165,000 |
| Accounting | 66,000 | 58,000 |
| Computing | 59,000 | 79,000 |
| Nursing | 56,000 | 60,000 |
| Farming | 29,000 | 19,000 |
Academic Task 1212 words
The chart below shows the number of people employed in 5 types of work on one region of Australia in 2001 and 2008
The graph illustrates the amount of people who are worker in 5 main type of work in australia in 2 different years. Overall, In 2001, people employed in sales works constituted nearly 155 000 and it was by far the most predominant figure among other work types. Also, sales sector comprised 160 000 workers in 2008, it was double of that people who were workers in computing.
and it was a little lesser with compared to the amount of seller in 2008. Accountants were another biggest sector which comprised nearly 65 000 people in one year. But in 2008, the amount of people decreased slightly, reaching 60 000 people exactly. which was equal to the amount of accountants in 2008. in 2008, approximately 80 000 workers in this sector employed, was the second highest sector by covering workers in 2008. , it was equal to accountants in 2008, workers in computing sector in 2001. , it constituted nearly 30 000 and 20 000 workers in 2001 and 2007 respectively.
Coherence & cohesion
RevisedIn sales, nearly 160 thousand people were employed in this sector
The sentence should be revised to correct the grammatical errors and to make the information more precise and clear.
Coherence & cohesion
RevisedIn the computing sector, the number of workers was about 60,000
The sentence should be revised to correct the grammatical errors and to make the information more precise and clear.
Lexical resource
RevisedAlthough there were 55,000 people employed as nurses, the number had increased markedly
The sentence should be revised to make the information more precise and clear, and to remove the unnecessary words 'who were'.
Lexical resource
RevisedFarming was the smallest sector, with approximately 30,000 workers.
The sentence should be revised to make the information more precise and clear, and to remove the unnecessary words 'last and'.
Select a highlighted passage to see its suggested revision.
What Axiom wrote for each criterion: why the answer earned its band, and what to work on next.
Coherence & cohesion
Band 6.0/ 9
The essay is logically organized and presents a clear overview. However, there are some issues with the flow of information and the use of cohesive devices.
Suggestions
- Use a variety of cohesive devices to improve the flow of information.
- Ensure that each paragraph has a clear central topic and that all sentences in the paragraph relate to this topic.
Sentence revisions 3
RevisedThe graph illustrates the number of people employed in five different types of jobs in Australia in the years 2001 and 2008.
The sentence should be revised to correct the grammatical errors and to make the information more precise and clear.
RevisedIn sales, nearly 160 thousand people were employed in this sector
The sentence should be revised to correct the grammatical errors and to make the information more precise and clear.
RevisedIn the computing sector, the number of workers was about 60,000
The sentence should be revised to correct the grammatical errors and to make the information more precise and clear.
Grammar & accuracy
Band 6.0/ 9
The essay uses a mix of simple and complex sentence forms, and the majority of sentences are grammatically correct. However, there are some errors that reduce the overall clarity and effectiveness of the essay.
Sentence revisions 1
Revised$ The graph illustrates the number of people employed in five main types of work in Australia in two different years.
The sentence should be revised to correct the grammatical errors and to make the information more precise and clear.
Lexical resource
Band 6.0/ 9
The essay uses a range of vocabulary and there is some evidence of an attempt to use less common and more formal language. However, there are some inaccuracies and awkward phrases that reduce the overall effectiveness of the essay.
Sentence revisions 3
Revised$The graph illustrates the number of people employed in five different types of jobs in Australia in two different years.
The sentence should be revised to correct the grammatical errors and to make the information more precise and clear.
RevisedFarming was the smallest sector, with approximately 30,000 workers.
The sentence should be revised to make the information more precise and clear, and to remove the unnecessary words 'last and'.
RevisedAlthough there were 55,000 people employed as nurses, the number had increased markedly
The sentence should be revised to make the information more precise and clear, and to remove the unnecessary words 'who were'.
Task achievement
Band 6.0/ 9
The essay provides a detailed and accurate description of the information presented in the graph. The essay meets the task requirements and the majority of the information is relevant and appropriately detailed. However, the essay could be improved by providing a more thorough analysis of the data and by making more specific comparisons.
Suggestions
- Provide a more thorough analysis of the data and make more specific comparisons.
- Use a wider range of structures to discuss the data.
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