Employment in five types of work: IELTS Task 1 answer #43, band 6.0
A student’s answer to this repeated IELTS question, shared without their name and marked by Axiom on the four criteria. Select a highlighted passage to see how it could be revised, and why.
185 words. Marked by Axiom on 18 December 2024. Estimated by AI. It isn’t an official IELTS score.
The bar chart this answer describes
Show the data
| 2001 | 2008 | |
|---|---|---|
| Sales | 155,000 | 165,000 |
| Accounting | 66,000 | 58,000 |
| Computing | 59,000 | 79,000 |
| Nursing | 56,000 | 60,000 |
| Farming | 29,000 | 19,000 |
Academic Task 1185 words
The chart below shows the number of people employed in five types of work in one region of Australia in 2001 and 2008.
The bar chart illustrates the number of Australian employees worked in five different jobs in one particular area in 2001 and 2008.
Overall, Commercial workers stood at the highest in both of the years, while Farming did not see as high as the rest of the four fields. However, Computing occupation involved more workers compared to the previous year. Finance and Nursing were not ensuring vacancies for the comparable number of people in both years.
In 2001, Commercial employees were more than the number of workers in four fields. The sales figure, which showed about 160000 worker, was more than 100000 employees compared to the following jobs, accounting, IT { Information Technology}, and nursing. In addition to these, agricultural sectors were the least engaged in providing work opportunities among the rest of four fields, with approximately 25.000 workers in that employment.
By 2008, over 160.000 people, who worked in trade sector, were a moderately growth compared to the statistics in 2001. IT and Nursing involved more employees. While Finance targeted less workers with solid 60.000 work force. Nevertheless, the tiniest vacancies were given by farming.
No passages are highlighted in this essay.
What Axiom wrote for each criterion: why the answer earned its band, and what to work on next.
Coherence & cohesion
Band 6.0/ 9
The essay is logically organized and presents a clear overview. However, there are some issues with the flow of information and the use of cohesive devices.
Suggestions
- Use a variety of cohesive devices to improve the flow of information.
- Ensure that each paragraph has a clear central topic and that all sentences in the paragraph relate to this topic.
Sentence revisions 3
RevisedThe bar chart illustrates the number of Australian employees working in five different jobs in a specific region in 2001 and 2008.
The verb tense should be consistent, so 'worked' should be 'working'.
RevisedThe sales figure, which stood at about 160000 workers, was higher than the employee numbers in the following sectors: accounting, IT, and nursing.
The revised sentence is more concise and uses the appropriate terminology.
RevisedIn addition, the agricultural sector had the fewest job opportunities among the other four fields, with approximately 25000 workers.
The revised sentence is simpler and clearer, and it uses the correct terminology.
Grammar & accuracy
Band 6.0/ 9
The essay uses a mix of simple and complex sentence forms, and the majority of sentences are free from grammatical errors. However, there are a few instances of incorrect verb forms and word forms.
Sentence revisions 3
RevisedThe sales figure, which was about 160000 workers, was more than the 100000 employees in the following fields: accounting, IT, and nursing.
The revised sentence uses the correct verb form and is more natural.
RevisedIn 2001, the number of commercial employees was higher than the number of workers in the four other fields.
The revised sentence is more natural and uses the correct verb form.
RevisedFinance and nursing did not have a comparable number of vacancies in both years.
The revised sentence is more natural and uses the correct verb form.
Lexical resource
Band 6.0/ 9
The essay uses a range of vocabulary and there is some evidence of less common and idiomatic language. However, there are a few instances of awkward or incorrect word choice.
Sentence revisions 3
RevisedThe number of workers in the commercial sector was the highest in both years, while the farming sector did not reach the same levels as the other four fields.
The revised sentence is more natural and uses the correct terminology.
RevisedBy 2008, the number of people working in the trade sector had moderately increased compared to the 2001 figures.
The revised sentence is more natural and uses the correct terminology.
RevisedNevertheless, farming had the fewest job vacancies.
The revised sentence is more natural and uses the correct terminology.
Task achievement
Band 6.0/ 9
The essay addresses all parts of the task and presents a clear overview of the main trends, differences or stages. However, the essay could be improved by providing more specific details and by avoiding some of the more general statements.
Suggestions
- Provide more specific details and examples to support your main points.
- Avoid using overly general statements.
Check your own answer on this question
Write your answer and Axiom marks it the same way: a band for each criterion, and revisions for your own sentences. How the Task 1 checker works.
Check an essay free