Employment in five types of work: IELTS Task 1 answer #42, band 6.0
A student’s answer to this repeated IELTS question, shared without their name and marked by Axiom on the four criteria. Select a highlighted passage to see how it could be revised, and why.
160 words. Marked by Axiom on 18 December 2024. Estimated by AI. It isn’t an official IELTS score.
The bar chart this answer describes
Show the data
| 2001 | 2008 | |
|---|---|---|
| Sales | 155,000 | 165,000 |
| Accounting | 66,000 | 58,000 |
| Computing | 59,000 | 79,000 |
| Nursing | 56,000 | 60,000 |
| Farming | 29,000 | 19,000 |
Academic Task 1160 words
The chart below shows the number of people employed in five types of work on one region of Australia in 2001 and 2008.
The table shows changes in five categories of work namely sales, accounting, computing, nursing and farming in two separate years namely 2001 and 2008.
Coherence & cohesion
RevisedOverall, the number of people working in sales, nursing, and computing increased, while accounting and farming saw a decline.
Improved sentence flow and clarity by correcting punctuation and grammar.
Coherence & cohesion
RevisedFocusing on increases, the figure for sales started at about 158k and slightly increased to around 162k over the period.
Added a comma for better sentence structure and clarity.
Coherence & cohesion
RevisedThe figures for computing and nursing exhibited similar patterns, both starting at about 58k, then climbing to 78k and 59k respectively.
Clarified sentence structure and improved parallelism.
The figure for accounting started at 61k after which experienced negligible drop to 59k. All changes occured from 2001 to 2008.
Lexical resource
RevisedIn contrast, the figures for accounting and farming showed a downward trend.
Used more precise vocabulary to describe trends.
Grammar & accuracy
RevisedStarting at 22k, the number of people working in farming dropped slightly to 19k, making it the smallest figure in the graph.
Corrected grammatical errors and clarified the sentence.
Select a highlighted passage to see its suggested revision.
What Axiom wrote for each criterion: why the answer earned its band, and what to work on next.
Coherence & cohesion
Band 6.0/ 9
The essay presents information logically but lacks clear paragraphing and some transitions are abrupt.
Suggestions
- Use more cohesive devices to connect ideas.
- Separate the essay into clear paragraphs for each section.
- Improve transitions between sentences.
Sentence revisions 3
RevisedOverall, the number of people working in sales, nursing, and computing increased, while accounting and farming saw a decline.
Improved sentence flow and clarity by correcting punctuation and grammar.
RevisedFocusing on increases, the figure for sales started at about 158k and slightly increased to around 162k over the period.
Added a comma for better sentence structure and clarity.
RevisedThe figures for computing and nursing exhibited similar patterns, both starting at about 58k, then climbing to 78k and 59k respectively.
Clarified sentence structure and improved parallelism.
Grammar & accuracy
Band 6.0/ 9
The essay contains some grammatical errors and lacks complex structures.
Sentence revisions 3
RevisedOverall, the number of people working in sales, nursing, and computing increased, while accounting and farming saw a decrease.
Corrected grammatical errors and improved sentence structure.
RevisedStarting at 22k, the number of people working in farming dropped slightly to 19k, making it the smallest figure in the graph.
Corrected grammatical errors and clarified the sentence.
RevisedThe figures for computing and nursing exhibited similar patterns, both starting at about 58k, then climbing to 78k and 59k respectively.
Corrected grammatical errors and improved clarity.
Lexical resource
Band 6.0/ 9
The vocabulary is adequate but lacks variety and precision.
Sentence revisions 3
RevisedOverall, the number of people employed in sales, nursing, and computing increased, while accounting and farming saw a decline.
Used more precise vocabulary for clarity.
RevisedInitially, the number of people in sales began at approximately 158k, followed by a slight increase to around 162k over the period.
Improved lexical variety and precision.
RevisedIn contrast, the figures for accounting and farming showed a downward trend.
Used more precise vocabulary to describe trends.
Task achievement
Band 7.0/ 9
The essay addresses the task but lacks detailed analysis and some data is inaccurately presented.
Suggestions
- Include more precise data from the chart.
- Provide more detailed comparisons and analysis.
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